I have been pretty quiet with my posts for June and it is considered unusual because usually I tend to post (and vent) when things are going down the hill in my life. My life has been terrible for the past one month and it was SO TERRIBLE that I cannot even organise my thoughts to vent about it. There is a small part of 'self control' too as I worry that I may write something so bad that I may end up regretting in the future.
The reason why I am writing today is because I just had my appraisal yesterday. Obviously it was upsetting and the reason why I force myself to write about it today is to record down my feelings and thoughts for future references.
I know expecting too much will result in too much disappointment and that exactly what happened. I was hoping with me doing SEA Games and Paragames last year, this maybe my only chance getting an 'outstanding' grade. I did not and I wondered what exactly is the ruler to judge the performance if I cannot even get an 'outstanding' from doing events at this multi-national levels. Sigh.. I really think everything is rigged. When the time (for promotion) comes, they will just give a better grade to justify the promotion. At any other time, it will always be good regardless of what is being done. So yeah, those better grades are perhaps 'reserved' for the promotions only.
I acknowledge my weaknesses and I am not upset that those are being pointed out. What I am upset about is how achieving KPIs is being taken for granted. I am also upset about all the assumptions. While I am emotional and tend to be negative (and hence people may see me as being negative), I am actually okay with my colleagues. I always inform them in advance that I tend to behave that way in high stress situations but in general I am okay. At least I am making conscious effort to be friends with them as compared to others who totally cannot be bothered.
Well, points taken. It is tiring to be strict. So if you want me to be more flexible, to be more tolerant to mistakes, to be 'friendlier', and not too hard up on KPIs and SOPs, I will give you what you want. Next time when problem arises, don't look for me to find reason or to solve since that is what you want. I will take a step back (more like many steps back) since there is no point sacrificing that much for work. Don't find me when KPIs are deteriorating, when things are falling apart, when emails go unreplied, and when I seem cannot be bothered.
It has been made clear that if I don't want to change (to soften my PR skills), I will stagnant. Well, in return, I have made it clear that I am not going to be a pawn to fill in leadership positions as well. Go find and groom someone else that fits better to your mould but you will not also not get my task-orientedness. After all, it does not matter whether I do or I don't do, it will always be good.
At the end of the day, while I am feeling angry, upset, and disappointed, I have no regrets with what I have done or I have not done as I am staying true to myself. So yeah, I will play by your rules but I will play the game 'my way'.