Now I understand how people can just snap and become crazy. I am feeling okay physically but drained mentally. It is very miserable to feel like this day in and day out. So many repressed negativities and I am not sure I am going mad because of my attempt to repress them or I am already at my limit and all hell will break loose soon.
I never say I like my job. It is bearable and the reason I survive this long is because of the people. But people come and go.. and when the good ones have left, I am left with nothing to keep me going. I have no positive reinforcements to keep me going and everyday I keep repeating the same negative reinforcements: work is unfair, I am overworked but under appreciated, why is it me who get arrowed again, etc. I am so sick of everything! I can't multitask and I can't stand having outstanding jobs so I try to clear as soon as possible. People think I am free and I am very efficient and continuously giving me more things to do / vet / review. What's the point??
If I do not believe in God, perhaps I already end my life right now. I really wonder what His purpose is for me in this world. I see no place for me in this world and I see nothing I can contribute to this world as a human. I am pretty happy and satisfied with my life experience so far and I am okay to die now. I mean I am not looking forward to a lot of money to go around the world, I am not looking forward to find a wife and start a family, I am not looking forward to growing old and dealing with health problems. Sigh.. am I mad? Perhaps the other way to look at it is that God has been very kind to me to give me everything that makes me able to feel that I have accomplished enough with my earthly life.
It looks like that on top of patience and humility and strength to go through everyday, I have to start praying for a purpose in life :(