Saturday, October 31, 2015


28 October is a day of bitter celebration for me. That was the day in 2002 when I left my home for the first time to a foreign land. Until today, I don't know if it is a correct decision (not as if it was my decision) and if I left my home for the better and not for the worse. It is bitter celebration because usually I just give myself a treat to forget all the bad things that have been happening to me. This year, I was so tired and I did not actually eat out or treat myself.

13 years on, the same question always comes and I will always feel emo when I start to keep tabs of all the + and - of coming here and find justification that everything is worth it. Something different happened this year. I have a daily calendar with a daily quote from calendar or from Saints. I am not a holy person so I may not read 1 quote everyday. On the 28th, I happened to read the quote for the 27th October. It is from St Teresa of Avila:
"May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinte possibilities that are born of faith."

That quote struck me a like a lightning and it stopped me from feeling emo to compare about all the good and bad things that happened so far.

I was approached by strangers twice in the past 3 days. I am not a holy person and usually I hate to donate when strangers approach me because the reason of my donation is either to shoo the person away or just to help that person, instead of helping the actual people that the organisations are helping. Sometimes I wonder if there is a point of donating grudgingly.. Bleah.. It is completely different feeling when I donate voluntarily during the times when I am not in the dark side.

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