Thursday, August 13, 2015

Passion vs Reason

I just completed a course this afternoon and it is the most useful course that I have ever attended. Before the course started, I felt so duh with all the pre-course assignments to be completed before the course. Who knows that the assignments were directly related to the course itself, were used during the course, and could be used to track my own development by comparing my work before and after the course.

The other wow factor is how the practical session was really practical and useful. Today, everyone was given a chance to conduct a small teaching session for about 7 minutes. The session was recorded so that the person could also review it. It is my very first time ever doing so and despite the initial reservation of seeing a recording of myself, I have to say it is very useful to see my very self 'in action'. There are obviously good and bad things haha... The first good thing I noticed is that although I felt that I was stuttering and rushing through my delivery, my pace was actually okay. I watched my own video and I could follow it quite well. This was agreed by others too. Yay!! Haha... The other good thing was that I always thought I sound quite fierce and serious. I actually did not look or sound as fierce as I imagined and others thought I was quite friendly. Lol..

Sadly I am not perfect and I have more negatives than positives. I totally hate the way I moved my wrist. Bleah.. Very gay.. I better be more conscious about. No wonder my friends always teased me being sissy during school time wor... I also hate my face! My pimples are really beyond hope =X Of course noone would mention these things as my weaknesses and this is just me being vain. But I appreciate the session as I never realised that I used so much "so" and "lah!" for my presentation!! Waleaw... Aiyo.. that means my Singlish is very bad loo.. I guess that is another thing I have to watch out. In my preference to make things less informal and more light-hearted, I can be totally not formal and not appropriate for formal occasions.

Teaching is not as easy as I imagine but I think my passion still lies there. At my current state of disillusionment with the company, I can't help but think if I should follow my passion and be a lecturer or I should stay with my current job. I fear that jealousy and pride have driven me mad and obscured my own judgment. But I really feel that I am simply taken for granted. I am not boasting (because I am telling a fact) that not many with my qualification will choose to come to this company and yet my pay is not fantastic and my career progression is also not fantastic. It is not as if I am lazying around. I produce work and I keep being arrowed with so many things but I don't feel anything from the company to reciprocate that. I am quite sad to see my friends in other places already promoted earlier, get the chance to do higher studies etc. I can't clique well with my bosses and it seems that my career goal is not the same as the company. After this year's appraisal, I don't even expect that there is a chance for me to get funding for some further studies with this company.

No matter what I will have to wait and have about 1 year to think about this as currently I am bonded. Bond is like a promise and I don't like to break the bond even though there is a teaching opportunity offered to me if I am willing to give it a try. Things may not be as flowery as I imagine but I guess when I like the work (I am referring to teach), even if the other factors remain as shitty as my current condition, I will still feel better because I have some passion towards the work.. Should I just follow my passion and not try to think about things so much? Haiz.. I am bad when it comes to this kind of thing. I guess I have to pray about this daily and let God guide me.

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