Friday, October 4, 2013


Jealousy is such a negative and destructive emotion. It clouds your mind and blinds you from all blessings which God has given you. And that is what exactly happening to me when I hear that my sister is going to be sent over to Germany by her company while here I am being a loser and a sucker at my job! Sigh.. I am not jealous of her but of the situation. I am happy that she is able to go, not that I want her not to go, but I am jealous that I don't even have such opportunity with what I am currently doing.

Now now.. honestly.. which is better
1) Able to stay at own home with family, drive your own car to work, get paid by company for overseas assignments occasionally, but earn a little to be able to afford things that you desire
2)  Living overseas at rental place with no family, take public transport to work, be a loser at losers' workplace, but earn a lot to be able to afford things that you desire until you have a headache trying to find storage space.

My sister is number 1 while I am number 2. If I can choose, I want to stay at home with my family, earn a lot so that I am able to buy a lot of toys and display them at my own room at home without having to think about where to store and what happen if I have to move house etc. Unfortunately, there is no such option.. which means, no matter what happens, I will just be an ungrateful brat constantly cursing God for my own life bla bla bla..

But honestly, deep in my heart, I prefer staying with family. Yes, it's cool to have these expensive toys but I can live without having them. I used not to have them when I was a kid anyway. If I don't have enough money, I would not even think of owning them as perhaps I will just be glad admiring them on the internet or on the shop displays. Money is not necessarily a good thing. The fact that I have money now is the one making me feel obliged to spend them. It makes me desperate to look at nice things for me to buy. If I buy, I will then be stressed over where to store them. If I don't buy, I will keep thinking about them. After all, what's the point of just keeping the money in the bank? I don't have a fetish and get excited by watching the numbers in my bank book increase every month. So ultimately, what is happiness for me? What is the purpose of my life? I am simply lost on this earth. And every night, I can only cry and pray for forgiveness.. for my ungratefulness.. for my constant complaints despite all the good things God has given me.

Yesterday there was JCI internal audit at my workplace. As a junior pharmacist, I honestly did not expect to be questioned but that was not what happened. Somehow, I got arrowed for "interrogation". The experience made me realise that I still have a looooong way to be promoted to be a senior pharmacist. Sigh.. There are still a lot of things I am not sure/familiar with. There again.. thinking about promotion and more money bla bla bla.. Money is really the root of all evil sia!!

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