Sunday, October 7, 2012

Too hard on myself..

God works in wondrous ways. My JC roommate who left to Australia after JC is currently back here for a 6 week elective. It is still a peculiarity to me that he would choose to be back to this sucky place. Anyhow, by hook or by crook, he happened to be attached to the same hospital and the same ward as another friend (who was his roommate in secondary school). No plan for them to meet or to contact each other but if God destines them to meet, it happens. So ya, with that, a reunion was arranged yesterday with the last remaining few of my fellow secondary school scholars who still remain here. It was a bit early but it became like our reunion to celebrate 10 years of our friendship, laughter, and sorrow in this foreign land.

After a bit of catching up, we realise that we hardly change since 10 years ago. One remains as sarcastic and as nasty as ever (that's me!). One remains as idealistic as ever. One remains as weird as ever.. and so on. I realise that I am too hard and too critical on myself. I was told that my face is so smooth now. When I see myself in front of the mirror, I think I still have a lot of pimples. Yeah, to me smooth means something like a photoshopped picture. I was told that my youthful look still remains but everytime I see myself in the mirror, I think I have wrinkles here and there. Oh well =x

I should be grateful with what I have instead of focusing on things which I am lacking when I compare myself with others. Now I am contemplating whether I should start a relationship or I should still wait. Sigh.. Again, I am too critical and too hard on myself. I always think that there are 1001 guys out there who would make a better boyfriend or husband for that girl and yada yada.. I keep telling myself that if that person is indeed my soulmate, then she will also not be taken. If she is taken, then perhaps that would be better for her. Haiz.. I am really confused.

Today, I felt so sad at church. I saw a girl with a crooked leg that she could not walk normally. Initially, I felt pity.. I asked why God would allow such a young person to be created that way. I wonder if someone would marry her someday, after all she was quite pretty. However, what amazed me was her expression. She looked happy.. I think she may be a happier person than I am. I was also touched with the love shown by her brother (or father? I can't tell) who supported her by her shoulder from behind as she was walking towards the Holy Communion.

I think that despite the many things I hate with myself and my life, there are tonnes other things which could have been worse. For that, I know I should be more grateful, kinder, and more Godly etc. Easier said than done :( Especially with the types of people I see everyday at work.. Sigh.. Emo...

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