Farewell, Godpa

My father passed away last year and this year I lost an uncle who has been a father figure for me while I am in Singapore. I am alone here and the only person with familial tie is my aunt who is now my godmother. I have been calling him as uncle and only when I visited him earlier this year during his hospitalisation, my godma told me that I should tell people that he is my godfather instead of my uncle. I am glad that I was able to visit him twice this year at the hospital. I visited him at home once after he was discharged but I did not manage to see him as he was napping then. Unfortunately, I was not able to visit in his last hospitalisation due to COVID restrictions.

I went to the wake on Friday and stayed for the whole day. I initially wanted to leave around dinner time but my godma asked me to stay. My godma only has 2 nieces and me as relatives here as the rest of our family in Indonesia could not come. My 2 cousins are already mothers so I am the only one without commitment and stayed on to accompany her. Her daughter is stuck in Australia and could not fly back. I know how it felt not able to fly back for father's funeral as it happened to me last year. I looked at this as perhaps God's way to allow me to experience something which I could not do to my own father and family last year.

Due to COVID restrictions, only 20 people were allowed at any time at the wake. That was the reason for me to choose Friday. Anyway I still have plenty of annual leave to clear so I might as well take leave to attend on Friday and leave the weekends for others to attend. I took leave again yesterday for the funeral mass followed with the cremation. It was my first time going to Mandai and I am impressed. It looks even more amazing than the crematorium in Jakarta which I thought was already very atas. I also learn that here we collect the ashes on the following day. From my previous experience in Jakarta, we usually wait for ~2 hours and then we will collect the bones which will then be ground to the ashes.

I helped with some readings during the Mass. Thanks to COVID, mic sharing was not allowed so I ended up having to read the first reading, psalm, second reading and general intercessions. With only 20 attendants, everyone was helping in one way or another. Honestly I was very self-conscious with my readings and my accent. I was so useless with other things so helping to read was the only thing that I could do. I am happy that they said my reading was alright and my accent was not too bad. At the same time, I cannot help to think perhaps it was just a pleasantry. Anyway whatever it is, I know it is wrong to be self-centered and thinking about myself. I should actually feel honoured and privileged to read in a Mass considering how sinful and unworthy I am.

Farewell, Godpa/Uncle. I will always remember and treasure my first encounter with you in 2003. Although we had not met before and you would not know how I looked like, you waited for me at the carpark when I went to your house for the very first time to store my barang-barang as I had to move hostel from secondary school to JC. I worried about how I would be able to identify you or your block since it was my first time visiting. It turned out that I had nothing to worry about as you approached me first when you saw me unloading my boxes from the taxi. I also remember how you carried my heaviest box which contained my textbooks and files while I was pushing the rest on a trolley. Back then, there was no lift directly to your floor so we still had to carry the things manually for one floor. You also helped me similarly when subsequently I had to move to my new hostel.

At times when I visited and my aunt was not home yet, it was never awkward to talk to you although technically we are not related by blood. Thank you for allowing me to have a home-like and family-like experience every time I visit. That really means a lot to me considering my actual state of homelessness and being all by myself here. I pray that you are no longer in pain and are happy in Heaven now. I even visualise that my dad would also welcome you and thank you for everything you did for me.

Cranky

The exchange of stopping junk food for Genshin Impact BP is working very well. After I bought BP, I became cranky and of course succumbed to getting potato chips again not to 1 but to 3 bags. Sigh.. I am upset because my weight does not seem to be dropping despite only eating one proper meal daily, cutting of all the junk food as well as sweet drinks at lunch. I do not mind the 'suffering' if I can see any benefits. I know maybe I am too impatient since it is just barely 2 weeks.

Addiction is scary. When I deprive myself, I get cranky and crave for my potato chips. Yet after fulfilling my cravings, I always end up feeling sad and regret which is not worth the 10-15 minutes of the joyful eating. Initially I was thinking of resuming my sweet drinks again as I do not feel sadness or regret as compared to potato chips. Ironically I read an article about sugar content and after checking the amount of sugar in each bottle, it becomes very easy to decide that I will stop the sweet drinks. Hahaha... Occasional treat during the weekends may be okay but I am definitely not tempted to have one bottle daily anymore. After all sugar is the number 1 enemy vs losing weight.

After all these food denial, the next thing that drives me crazy is: what is the point of living if I cannot enjoy my life? I cannot seem to lose weight despite eating only one proper meal so how would I able to squeeze in sinful food as one pleasure in life. I am not really a foodie but during this COVID time, there is nothing else that can really make me happy. Gaming does not give me as much joy as when I was younger and I am getting bored of watching dramas. My sleep time and slack time are often ruined by the fucking maid in the house. Bleah...

The only obvious benefit from restraining myself from all the junk food and food delivery is the money saved. Then again, what is the point of earning money if only to keep them in the bank? Having said that, the dividends for my POSB Invest Saver came in this week. Upon checking how much I have, I am considering to withdraw all and re-use that amount for investment with my financial consultant. The capital I have put in is not growing and it has been almost 6 years since I started. Based on the dividends alone, POSB Invest Saver gives around 3% return annually while the investment with my financial consultant is giving me about 10% per year. Of course 3% is better than normal deposit insurance and I do not regret because previously I cannot fork out a lump sum for the investment product. Now that I have enough for the lump sum, naturally I am inclined for the one with higher return. Aiya... see la.. thinking about money also makes me cranky.

Unsung Cinderella: Midori, The Hospital Pharmacist

Synopsis:

Midori Aoi is a passionate hospital pharmacist who goes the extra mile for her patients by understanding their lives in order to empower them with regards to their own medications and medical conditions.

My opinion:

Yep, my synopsis is just a sentence as this dorama basically depicts the daily life of a hospital pharmacist. As a drama, it is boring. Each episode follows the same formula and it is just a matter of different patients, diseases, medications as well various lifestyles or patients' circumstances which may affect their treatment. There is hardly an overarching plot and the supposedly climax of the drama with Seno's cancer treatment is so abruptly weird between episode 10 and the last episode 11. Character development is almost non-existent. Ironically, character development happens with the side characters namely Aihara (the newly practising pharmacist) and Onozuka (the jaded pharmacist who eventually rediscovers his passion). Of course, I may be biased because I am a pharmacist myself and thus I feel like watching my daily life on screen rather than watching a fictional series.

This dorama successfully covers many aspects of pharmacy: training, prescription intervention, packing and dispensing, medication error, narcotics/controlled drug audit, rude patients, rude doctors, nice patients, nice doctors, team-based care, different perception between retail vs hospital pharmacist, drug interactions, home care, waiting time, perpetually understaffed and very busy pharmacy, night shift, clinical trial, different types of pharmacists, robots, and many more.

Most of them are depicted quite realistically. However, I do have some criticisms. First is the imbalance between the nice and rude patients/doctors. Almost all the doctors and the patients here are rude but in reality the proportion of nice vs rude is not as imbalanced as what this dorama shows. Second is the unrealistically positive pharmacy environment. This will not happen in real life given the understaffing situation. They are also missing the slackers, the backstabbers and the MC fakers among the staff to add to the drama. Haha..

Nevertheless, I think they have done the best with what is available because unfortunately, most parts of pharmacy life is indeed boring. I mean how dramatic can we dramatise about reviewing prescriptions, packing drugs and dispensing which form majority of pharmacists' tasks. 

My afterthoughts:

Pharmacists are usually depicted in bad light in media e.g. misusing drugs from crimes so Unsung Cinderella is really a unique gem. Not only it does not put pharmacists in bad light, this is the first medical series which focuses on pharmacists. Usually medical series will have doctors as the main character. This dorama portrays the roles of pharmacists and life in a pharmacy quite realistically. It does not exaggerate the roles of pharmacists just because they are the main focus of the series. Those who find that the roles of pharmacists here being exaggerated are those who think that all pharmacists do is packing medicines. Yes, even helping to transfer patients in the emergency room is something that all medical professional can perform in a team-based care settings provided they are trained for it. Thus it is not an exaggeration.

After watching this, I conclude that pharmacy and pharmacist life is generally the same everywhere. Although I am heartened to watch this, it still does not inspire me to return to front line. Hehe.. I will just keep those memories in my heart.

By the way, the promotional image seems to be done much earlier before the shooting because the first guy from the left is not in the dorama. Haha.. I am not sure if that is meant to be Onozuka but he does not look like that in the actual dorama. Lastly, I am quite amazed that this is the first J-drama I watched and I posted in more than 4 years! Wew... My last one was for Tokyo DOGS in January 2017.

Pride vs Sensibility

My bad mood continues this week and was worsened by mid-year review. It got me to the point of thinking that I should resign to show my boss for real if my contribution is significant or not. I have to remind myself that no job is perfect and whether at least the current flexibility and work-life balance are good enough to trump all the bad sides. Bosses everywhere area also the same. They only know to point out things which are not done or not completed yet but never appreciate what has been completed. They never see if I have to complete those things criticised 'not done' then those done would be the ones not completed. Anyway what irk me the most is that even if I do things, the credits go to others but when KPIs are not met then it becomes my problem.

I was emo until Thursday night to the point that I was angry and could not concentrate for prayer. I told God that I would just be reciting for that day just to fulfill my daily promise instead of properly praying as I was really not in the mood. Surprise surprise.. My mood was sort of back to normal on Friday. I do not know what happened. Was it God's miracle? Or my mood swing simply just ended.

I am happy that I managed to get a Mass booking for today. I woke up at 515am and it was still drizzling. I hesitated so hard to just sleep since usually I tell myself that I will skip if it is raining. It had been raining since last night so I told myself that perhaps the rain would already stop in an hour time. It did not but miraculously I finished all my morning routines by 630am. Thus I could take the bus and if the rain was still heavy, at least I only needed my umbrella from the bus stop. It was really a blessing for me because now the Mass is at the main church even for the 50 people Mass. Now they are starting few timeslots for 250 people Mass for those who have been vaccinated so might as well hold all the Masses at the main church. Hehe..

I have been very patient and tolerant but this week I finally complained to my landlady about the fucking maid. She cooked I don't know what shit until the whole house was smelly on Thursday. I cannot understand how she can eat such food when they smell really like a rubbish bin. The landlord was also not happy about it so when my landlady asked me about it on Friday, I basically ranted. I don't mind her cooking but the problem is her food is always fucking pungent. When she cooks, I cannot even go to the toilet or throw rubbish. Just for that short exposure, my clothes would already stink. Plus she cooks for few hours and not as if it is for my landlord and landlady. She is also lazy about cleaning the kitchen after using. It is as if she is treating the whole house as her house. I even have to adjust my laundry schedule according to her because she will wash and leave her laundry hanging for few days or she will cook and make the clothes smell. The fridge is 3/4 full of her stuff. Although I do not use the fridge and the kitchen, it is just irritating to have her so inconsiderate. What if I actually also like to cook?

My landlady falling down is like a daily affair now. I tell myself that I treat her as my mum so I don't mind helping her. But now I am slowly getting irritated although I know that is not the right thing to feel. I am not irritated with having to help her but I am more irritated because she cannot even control the maid. Please lah. I am not your maid or caregiver and I am helping is already a very good thing. At least you help me to control the fucking maid. Plus if I am not working from home or staying at home most of the time, who would help her when she falls? Sigh.. I really feel being taken for granted. At the same time, I am also worried if I get kicked out. Haiz... Sad life of being a hobo.

Moving on to the happy things, I am quite lucky with Genshin Impact this week. I won my 50/50 and got Kazuha. 30 pulls later I got Jean which means my next 5 star will be guaranteed. Although I did not get any Rosario, I am quite happy to stop until the next version. Despite still being underbuilt, Kazuha helped me to clear Spiral Abyss for the very first time. Hohoho.. I even got full stars for level 10 and 11 this round even though I did not manage to get full stars in the previous cycle.

Thanks to the in-game good luck streak, I am reconsidering if I really should skip the BP this patch. Hehe.. I have been telling myself to skip this round to wean off my addiction as it is a waste of time to spend money on gacha. Realising that I usually mindlessly spend on food, I decide that if I can avoid fast food, junk food, sweet drinks, bubble tea and food delivery until near the end of this patch, I will buy the BP.  If I am able to cut down on these, I would save more than the $15 I intend to spend for the BP and hopefully can cut down my addiction on these fattening stuff as well. I survived the first weekend so lets see if I can tahan for another 2 weekends. Huhuhu,

Sensitive

I am not sure what is happening with me this week. I am irritated with every little things that happen in my life. Even things which are supposedly good still end up upsetting me. Let me start with diet which goes out of the window this week. After having McD BTS meal on Tuesday, I had KFC Triple Down on Friday. I am not even interested in Double Down anymore so I don't know why I was so eager to try Triple Down. Definitely it is for the sake of novelty and yet I could not resist. My bubble tea woes last week has been replaced with potato chips this week. Yep... 4 cups of bubble tea was replaced with 4 bags of potato chips.

At the start of the June, I gave up about hitting $500 spending. Thanks to the indiscriminate spending on all the junk food in these past two weeks, I was at $440 yesterday so getting $50 interest for this month is still within reach. I was so stressed thinking of what I should spend on last night. I managed to remain sane and not to take risk with in game purchase for Genshin Impact since I do not know when Apple will bill me. Thank goodness I decided to replenish my eye supplement as my current stock will only last for a month or so. At least I am not wasting money since it is just a matter of time for me to replenish. I remained emo after ordering because I realised that I was missing an item from my previous order. There was no invoice or list of items in the box so I only relied on memory when I was checking the package two weeks ago. I only noticed yesterday after seeing the purchase history online. I don't know if two weeks is too late and I still sent an enquiry. It is just a $1 soap (discounted price) and is not a big deal but yet I was so worked up about that. Jeez...

I reactivated my gym membership on Tuesday but only overcome my laziness by Thursday. It is now required to still keep the mask on during the warm up and I find it uncomfortable and lame. Lucky I suspended for the past 3 weeks when the gym only offered mask on exercises. Seriously no matter how low the intensity, an exercise is an exercise and it is really difficult to have the mask on. There was pull up which means I still have to rest for the past 2 days since I still can feel the muscle soreness. I hope tomorrow I am good to exercise again. One good thing is that it seems that many are still not comfortable to return to gym yet and the competition to book slots is not as bad as usual.

Vaccination discrimination is slowly ramping up. I am not an anti-vaxxer but everything is about risk vs benefit. I am not comfortable with mRNA technology. Two weeks ago I was sort of decided to get vaccination and bam! the news about pericarditis risk in young men appeared. Today I saw the news that FDA has added warning of pericarditis and myocarditis. I heard my sister's friend died two days after receiving Astra Zeneca so even the non-mRNA is not that safe either. Bleah.. I am even thinking of Sinovac despite the poorer efficacy if this whole vaccination discrimination becomes more pervasive. There is news of the prospect of Novavax before the year end and now I am inclined for this. Hopefully there is nothing bad about this. The funny thing is that I am worrying so much about this when it is not even my turn yet to register, even if I want the mRNA vaccines. Lol. Perhaps the most ridiculous thing is that if they allow vaccinated people to be mask-free, then I don't care about the side effect risk already. Haha... That benefit is enough for me.

I finished watching a Thai drama titled Happy Birthday. Ironically, it is not exactly a happy affair as it tackles suicide theme. My goodness.. I thought nothing could beat 1 Litre of Tears but I cried even at the supposedly normal or not sad scenes. I could not even finish the last episode in one sitting. The last episode ran for more than 2 hours and my eyes were sore from all the tears. After experiencing the death of my father, I think now I know that death is still sadder than sickness.

Watching this reminded me that suicide is never caused by one person or one factor. It is always everything goes wrong before a person decides that even death is better than such life. A more sinister thought is that suicide is the sweetest revenge as the people left behind will be affected and may not ever overcome the guilt. I am not gonna lie that if I am not a Catholic, I would already be dead now. The only thing that keeps my passive suicidal self to become active is the knowledge that I will definitely go to hell if I kill myself.

Dear God. Everyday I pray for the strength and grace to defend myself from all these evil thoughts. In the past, my demon was mainly with my homelessness. With the death of my father, there goes all my dream: to eventually have a house here which my parents can treat as their holiday home when they already retire. I am grateful that this is just an unrealised dream rather than a regret. Still, it makes my life feel even more useless. Sigh.. scratch my first line. Dear God, I pray that you call me to your presence instead because living is too painful for me, even with Your grace :( I am tired.

BTS McD

Finally BTS Meal from McDonald's arrived here since Monday. As expected, I did not manage to order it on Monday. In Grab, my nearest McD was listed as closed or out of delivery area for the whole Monday.  Hehe.. I decided to forgo the free tea time delivery just for the sake of trying this asap and I managed to order it on Tuesday. I am not a BTS fan so I really tried this just out of FOMO. Lol. The cajun sauce is normal while the sweet chili sauce is meh. The drink cannot be changed and the worst part is I did not find the meal filling at all even after the additional blueberry cheesepie that I ordered on top of this BTS meal.

Did not take photo of the fries since it did not have the special purple packaging

This week has been atrocious for me so far. I was planning to return to gym yesterday but I felt very sleepy so I skipped. I told myself to finish my cup noodle stock last night so that I ran out of food tonight and I had no excuse to skip today. I ended up with stomachache today, overate and overdrank  with lunch delivery and hence ended up skipping gym again today. Haiz... It is really difficult to overcome the inertia.

I hope my willpower is strong enough to overcome the inertia (aka laziness) tomorrow. Based on previous experience, I know once I start going gym again I would actually enjoy it.

Happy days are ending

This is a picture taken at Plaza Singapura yesterday at around 1115am after my blood donation. I am honestly surprised that majority would be guai guai to stay at home during this period. Hehe.. After all, I find Junction 8 is forever crowded, regardless of what phase. I guess that is the main difference between a shopping mall for window shopping vs a shopping mall for necessity of residents.

I went exactly at 10am, the supposed opening hours of the blood bank, and I was already the fifth people in the queue. It is heartening to see that people are still eager to donate during this period. I was contemplating between going home straight away vs checking out Plaza Sing. I decided to do the latter since the last time I went there was probably when I cut my hair before CNY. It is interesting to see the impact of COVID with fewer people, shops opening at later time (my guess since there were still many unopened shop when I was there) and more shops being hoarded which means out of business. No wonder CB is out of the question as I think more businesses will not be able to tahan. Haiz.. Happy quiet days like this are ending and will not happen again. I will miss it although I also never go out during this period. Hahaha... Yesterday was specially going out just for the blood donation.

After so long not buying any toys or stressing over toys, yesterday was my first time feeling happy for splurging for a statue. I pre-order Tsume Ikigai Gemini Saga. I could not get their original Gemini Saga, which I am still emo until now, so even though this one is the evil version, I just have to get it to have a Gemini gold saint. With 1/6 scale, the height is comparable with the previous Gemini Saga and will still be comparable to the other Saint Seiya HQS I own.

Now I hope Tsume will just create Saint Seiya statues under this Ikigai line since their HQS is just getting more and more ridiculous. I want the character to be centerpiece, not the effects. With their HQS, now the effects overpower the character just to increase the size and the price of the statues. The prices for their latest Saint Seiya HQS (Camus as well as Hyoga) are double of this Ikigai. It is as if paying for Camus+Aquarius lady or Hyoga+swan while at the same price, it should have been Camus vs Hyoga under this Ikigai line. Bleah.. I am still emo with the decision to skip Hyoga since it means I won't have a complete collection. Haiz.. yup and then my emoness will lead to me thinking about my pathetic state of life that I don't even have the space for these toys even though I have the money. Saga's opponent is Siegfried which is an easy pass for me because Asgard Arc is not exactly memorable. I don't even know or remember much about the Asgard Arc. In addition, Siegfried's pose is a bad design for display purpose as his lightning balls are directly in front of his face. Although the face is not obscured, overall it is a bad pose from front view. But that's okay since bad design means no temptation to buy. No need to buy means no need to emo over money and display space.

Red alert

I am very irritable these past few days. I continuously get interrupted to do another thing by my boss which means I have to stop the task on my hand. Today I also blew my fuse when she interrupted me with the thing that she was supposed to do. Aaargh... Okay I managed to hold it because as much as I felt irritated, the bulk of it came from myself. My boss never said that I had to do those things right here and right now. It is me who wanted to clear it as soon as possible so that I could move on to what I was in the midst of doing. It is me who hates the feeling of still having something incomplete at the back of my mind.

This makes me thing how on earth I survived in my previous job for 7 years. No wonder I was continously angsty as I had to multi-task all the way. It is not that I cannot multi-task. In fact, I can do it quite well. It is just that naturally I am not a multi-tasker so having to multi-task requires much more effort, energy, and patience I suppose.

While the weather still continues to be uncomfortably warm, the biggest downer to my mood this week is the realisation that I have not lost any weight. Then what is the point of me holding my desire for good food and junk food? This leads to the endless cycle of self-harm: I end up keep ordering bubble tea delivery (2 cups at one go today and on Tuesday) and I am still not exercising. Those bubble teas made it difficult to fall asleep which aggravated my bad mood in the mornings 

I planned to cut my hair last Sunday. I thought I reached early enough but there were already 4 people in the queue. I gave it a miss and until now I am still irritated with my own hair. My mind keeps telling me of this pending task which irritates me further. Bleah... As I was thinking of a good day and good place to cut, I remembered that it had been almost 2 weeks past the time when I can donate my blood again. I could not get any appointment slot so I shall walk in this Saturday and then have my hair cut after that. I hope this plan will go smoothly or else I will be damn pissed again.

My income tax statement arrived this week and FML. I will be paying double of what I am currently paying now. It is not as if I had a pay rise or big bonus. There is no rebate despite last year was COVID year. I feel even more emo after calculating that my pathetic pay rise this year is not even enough to pay the higher income tax that I have to pay now. It makes me want to change job but seeing that I hardly see a matching job within my expected pay from the daily email from Jobstreet, perhaps I am already considered 'overpaid'. I was so excited when I saw a job ad within my expected range and was thinking of applying. After I calmed down a little bit, I decided that I still value the flexibility and relatively low stress at where I am now.

I was so happy to receive my Kinokuniya book order today but that turned into anger as Kinokuniya sent me damaged books with dent hard cover for one while the other has shrivelled and bent cover plus torn spine. Clearly noone will buy books with such conditions in store so it is kinda obvious that they are just sending the junk stocks for online. Grr... I had to waste my time to take photos and send email. Not to mention that the voucher they promised to send me from two weeks ago still has not arrived. I don't even know if they have sent it out.

I saw a post that Tsume will be announcing another Saint Seiya figures (yes, plural because I think it will be a pair in battle) tomorrow. Instead of excitement, I feel more stressed instead. What if they are nice? That means I will have to spend and then I will have to think about space problems. So ironic to think about money when I have been splurging on bubble teas like mad for the past two weeks without guilt. Now looking back, I don't think when spending for food but I get emo over spending for online games. It is not the money, it is not the item, I think it is just my hormones and mood swings. How can it be that everything that happened to me this week only made me angry? Haiz just let me die is better.

Tobit

The first readings from daily Masses that I followed this week were taken from the Book of Tobit. Prior to this, I only know about Archangel Raphael treating Tobit's blindness. I finally became more interested after the priest shared a bit more about the whole book and recommended it for reading as it is not that long and yet there are few good learning points. I finished reading it this morning. I woke up earlier than usual as I had to pee. I decided to try reading it for awhile before continuing my sleep. Initially I wanted to stop at chapter 3, then chapter 7 and in the end I finished the whole 14 chapters at one go. Hehe.

I find it like reading an adventure story with a good pacing to cover the story of Tobit as well as Tobias (his son). I don't find it preachy or too cheem like the usual expectations of reading the Bible. I no longer feel that bad of wanting and praying for death as I find my life meaningless since that is also something that holy people in the Bible lamented. Tobit is an example. Ultimately that is the the most meaningful takeaway from me. I am reminded yet again to be patient and to trust God for His plan according to His time.

My diet woes still continue. Yesterday I bought $7.55 for two bags of Kettle potato chips. I finished eating both as dinner earlier and that was a good decision. I was thinking of buying again when I go for groceries tomorrow or on Monday but after two bags at one go, I am kind of sick and I no longer have the intention to buy again. Yesterday I had indigestion and gastric discomfort again after buying Burger King on top of my lunch. Although I pre-ordered my lunch for self-collection, it was not ready after my groceries shopping. While waiting, I saw that Burger King's current new menu is kakiage burger. I was only interested in trying the kakiage but sadly the Bento Box which has only the kakiage+chicken nuggets+fries is not available for delivery. That was why I decided to buy it although I already had a lunch pre-ordered.

Not sure if it was because I overate or kakiage is just not suitable for my stomach. My gastric is usually also acting up after eating kakiage from Teppei Shokudo and I always think that perhaps it is too oily. But now after another kakiage not from Teppei Shokudo, maybe it is not about the oil but somehow my stomach just cannot tolerate battered fried vegetables.

Defenses breached

On the first June, I finally decided to give up on my bubble tea abstinence. The withdrawal from potato chips really tilted the temptations to bubble tea. The final straw was when I weighed myself. I did not lose any weight since the current WFH arrangement restarted about 3 weeks ago. So what is the point of all this 'suffering' since I do not reap any benefit. I skip exercising for this week as well.

I felt like an addict. Instead of getting my favourite drink from KOI, I tried to find whatever available options from Grab free tea time delivery which ended up in regrets. I ordered from iTea which I never tried before. Not one but two cups at one go since I had to meet the minimum amount. As feared, once I succumbed, everything would just go downhill. Today I ordered another 2 cups and this time was from BoberTea. Although I don't know I can follow through, I promise that I will stop all these bubble teas again. After 4 cups which failed to spark joy, I should just stick to my potato chips. Either way it is a failure for me but at least potato chips will give me more 'high'. Wow.. I really speak like an addict.

My mood is currently very imbalanced again. The lack of purpose makes me feel very negative with my life. Yesterday I received $10 voucher from Kinokuniya which will expire on 15 July. I should be happy but it makes me more stressed because currently there is nothing that I intend to buy. After randomly searching, I found Legend of Final Fantasy IX which is recently published. I enjoyed this series of books for FF VI to VIII but I decided not to buy since I thought the price was expensive. After checking how the prices of the previous books which I bought, I realised that the price is about the same. So I should not feel that it is expensive at all. Sigh.. what's the point of having money if not to bring happiness?

Currently Genshin Impact is near the end of the patch so there is nothing much to do. I have more time and I attempt to revive my abandoned commitment of daily rosary plus either daily mass or chaplet of St Michael. I succeeded on Tuesday but failed yesterday. Today I managed to do all three. Yet I feel that I am overkilling it and I worry if it will just bring me spiritual boredom instead. Haiz.. The thing is despite doing this, I don't feel closer to God and perhaps I am just doing for the sake my own commitment. Aaargh.. I have to remind myself that it is better to still pray even if I don't feel like it than not praying at all.

As ungrateful as I am, God is still kind and today's homily reminds me that God wants me to do my best with what He has given me. That is a reminder to be grateful with what I have and see the best that I can do with those rather than focusing on what I do not have and what I cannot achieve because I do not have those. Of course, this is easier said (or 'typed') than done. Inside me, I still feel full of shit right now.