18 years of homelessness

I celebrated this miserable day simply this year with only a bag of cassava chips and a cup of bubble tea. Normally I would go for something more extravagant like expensive restaurant or ice cream but I decided to just settle with bubble tea this year since I really do not want to go beyond 60kg.

Honestly, I feel quite different this year. I do not think I am as emo as in other years. Perhaps I am slowly accepting to this life. It does not matter whether it is in a positive sense (i.e. God's way) or in a negative sense (i.e. I am tired of fighting anymore). Another reason could be the aftermath of the eRetreat over the weekend and the end of Landings run yesterday. In fact, my group had an online rosary just now. My past self would just come up with an excuse so that we would have it on another day as I just would like to drown myself in sorrows on 28 October. Anyway, I did not really feel good with a group rosary and I prefer to have a private time when I am praying.

Yesterday was the conclusion of the Landings run and the concluding sharing reminded me that I am not a junk. I should not be too harsh with myself and learn to look at things from God's perspective. I am meant to have this current life, with all the goods and the bads. I just come to realise that the message in my perpetual calendar for 27 October reads: May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. What an apt message since I always associate 28 October as a day when my life turned to shit 18 years ago. I only realised about this coincidence now since in previous years, I am not diligent in reading the perpetual calendar daily.

One interesting thing was after my visual rosary, some of my group members thought I was very good with prayers or leading prayers. Ooops... Leading prayer is my big weakness since I am never really taught on how to pray. Sometimes I also think in my native language when I pray so saying a proper prayer in English is very awkward for me. Well it was good to clear the misunderstanding as it meant to give credits to the deserving Ones. The credits obviously go to God and Mother Mary. With tonnes of rosary videos in Youtube, it is divine providence that I could find the one that I used in the end and others found the images and music in that video powerful.

Currently what makes me emo is my right back pain. Huhuhu... I did swings for the very first time on Monday and I was worried if I did something wrong as my back and the back of my thighs felt more sore than usual. Today what I feel with my back is pain. Bleah.. It reminds me of the back pain that required physiotherapy previously. Maybe something is indeed injured there since a few years ago and now it happens again at the same spot. I hope it gets better tonight and I am already prepared to skip gym tomorrow if the pain still persists.

Anyway looking back at my old posts, I am quite surprised to realise that I actually did not post emo stuff on 28 October every year. I thought it would be like end of year review or birthday post that I will remember not to skip. Haha.. Maybe it is true that I am getting numb and already sort of accept this life as it is.