Broken things

Haiz.. I could not sleep until close to 3 am yesterday. As much as I am able to accept what come may with my stomach, deep within me still has some worry with the pain of the surgery. I am praying for a miracle and yet I am also being realistic. With the bulge remaining, I know the problem is still there. My sleep is also affected physically because I usually sleep on my sides but now either on the left or right is uncomfortable. Plus last night I started to notice a bit of painful sensation inside which made me think perhaps there is an injury or a cut inside. Maybe the net last time is partially torn. Bleah..

I still cannot control all the passive suicidal thoughts even though I know they are wrong. My mum is not helping. I find her messages to be irritating instead of calming me. I sort of can empathise with my sisters. It is a skill to be able to say soothing words to someone worrying or suffering. I do not think it is something I am good at all so usually I will keep quiet and pray that God will grant what the person needs instead of me saying the wrong thing. My mum should learn that.

I have also been dreaming of my dad. On Sunday, it was about family dinner with the conversation topic of my sister damaging my dad's film camera or photos (the details are fuzzy now). Perhaps that comes about from me always scolding her for taking ugly photos when we travel together. Yesterday, it was about my dad screaming in pain and asking my mum for his ketorolac. They were trying to hide the fact that he was in pain from my sisters and I but we were outside the room and we could hear. Then we asked mum if she would urge him to see doctor. I don't know how ketorolac specifically came into the dream (I was not even reviewing ketorolac at work) but the rest is similar to the situation with my dad before his hospitalisation. He was in pain for so many months and yet refused to seek help until very jialat.

The most recent dream that woke me up from my evening nap was even more random. Initially I was with 2 friends and I told them I would bring them to eat koi peng. I still vividly remember the specific of me explaining I do not know what the food is called but in Teo Chew, my dad's side of the family calls it koi peng. The scene changed and when we were walking through the shop houses and there was a boy and his dad sitting on the floor while playing guitar. My shortcut to reach the koi peng place was through someone else's house which happened to be locked. I decided not to take the shortcut but the uncle sitting on the floor earlier called for the maid to open the house gate so I could pass through. Somehow this maid was an elderly lady who was close to my family. When seeing her, I cried and hugged her asking if she already heard that  my dad recently passed away. She then looked for my mum who was behind me (suddenly I was no longer with the 2 friends earlier) and she told me 'Lucky I still have my mum'. Alamak... I woke up with tears dripping. I thought the drama I finished last week is exaggerating when the main characters often have tears dripping because of their dreams. Now it happened to me. Haha... I was trying to remember who this elderly lady was before realising that she actually looked like my grandma. Aiih!! Anyway now my memory of her face in the dream is already fuzzy.

Hmm.. maybe these are signs that I will join my dad soon since I have been saying that I want to just die peacefully on the operating table. Haiz.. again and again.. I just cannot run away from such passive suicidal thoughts.

Ok let's talk about reality now. I am quite emo to realise cracks with the spectacles I am wearing while working from home. I bought it in 2014 (the bottom right in the first photo which I notice to be blur now) and only started wearing it from this February. This one has the blue light filter and I have been putting it aside is because I use the superhero goggles one, which also has blue light filter, at work. So although technically it is almost 6 years old now, it sort of broke only after few months of use :(

The location of the cracks is also quite unusual (as shown in the photos below) as this part is not normally touched or manipulated. If the cracks are not at the place backed by the screw, I think the lenses would come off. The only reason I can think of is that because the whole frame and temples are made of metal, they may be more rigid and the tension when I put on and remove the spectacles is badly distributed to these crack points. But supposedly this frame is made of titanium which is a strong spectacles material leh.. On the bright side, thanks to COVID, at least this pair gets to be worn hahaha..