Gastroscopy and Colonoscopy

I did not have a good night sleep since I woke up at around 330am for another round of  bowel movement.  After that, I woke up at 6am to take the morning serving of the bowel prep. I was actually allowed to take it between 7-8am but since it took me around 3 hours before I stopped running to the toilet, I decided to take it at 6am so that by the time I left home I did not need to shit anymore.

There were another 4 runs to the toilet and my butthole was really really sore. I mostly passed water so it was really surprising that it could irritate my butthole. I was worried that I did not have any solid passing out but that worry was unnecessary. I googled to find that the sign of the bowel being clean is that it should only be passing liquid and it should be getting clearer. So my bowel has been getting cleaner. Is it only fibre that cause solid stools and since I skipped vegetables and fruits since Wednesday, there was no solid stools to be excreted? But carbohydrates and proteins are completely absorbed? I seriously forgot my biology.

Previously I did not really pay attention to what my private insurance covered. This time I used company's coverage and I learnt that the insurance only covers after Medisave deduction. Since Medisave is my money, it is as if I also have to pay -_- I asked the admission staff and was informed that if the policy covers the Medisave portion, it would be refunded to Medisave by the insurer later on. Anyway Medisave cannot be withdrawn so I am not too bothered about this. I will just take this as a learning experience to compare if next time I should just activate my private coverage or the company's coverage is good enough.

The most obvious difference is the ward coverage as with the company's policy, I am only entitled to 4-bed room. Not really a big deal for this day surgery as I would be only in the ward for awhile. So in the future, if I need to stay for more than a day, I will definitely use my private insurance straight away for a personal room. I really need the sense of privacy, safety for my belongings, quiet, and personal toilet. Haha...

I waited for around 1.5 hours before being wheeled to the endoscopy room. In midst of all the waiting time, I only entertained myself by taking some selfies. To prepare for the gastroscopy, I was sprayed with something which was awful twice. The sedation was very smooth as I was not even asked to count and I was already unconscious. I returned to consciousness very quickly. I heard one of the nurses said that I was already ++ alert. Haha.. I was self conscious as I could not tell if it was only gas or there was liquid too but my butt felt wet. Actually it was mostly gas and the wet feeling came from the lubricant use for the procedure. Now I think I know why the recovery after my hernia surgery previously took longer. It was not due to the anaesthesia but due to the painkillers. After the scopes today, I did not receive any medicine and thus I got up quite quickly. I had lunch and by 3pm I was already discharged. 

Fish porridge for lunch as I am supposed to abstain on Lenten Fridays

I read the report and I am glad that I did the colonoscopy. My colon looks smooth and there is nothing worrying. However, there were hemorrhoids (yaiks!!) which were treated by energy therapy during the colonoscopy itself. So my suffering from the bowel preparation at least had some use. I am not surprised that there are signs of eosophagitis and gastritis considering the frequency of my gastric. However, the 'surprise' is a gastric polyp. I need to return in 2 weeks time for the results and I hope it is not cancer or something. I was discharged with rabeprazole and lubiprostone. Initially I was thinking to keep them aside and use them as PRN. After seeing my report, I think I should be a good boy and finish them for now. That is all for my day surgery experience.

Last week, I gave up of trying to hit $500 spending for this month. Today, I fell into the dark side. I bought Bee Cheng Hiang for my uncle and aunt since he was already at home when I came to visit on Tuesday. That brought my spending within $500. I am short of $50 spending vs potential $30 interest if I can meet the $500. I decided to spend for Genshin Impact T_T. I told myself that it would mean I only spent $20 to get $50-worth of in-game stuff. I know it is a stupid excuse but haiz.. let's just say it is a congratulations for myself to be able to complete the day surgery alone.

2014: hernia surgery

2021: gastroscopy and colonoscopy

When will it be heaven?

Bowel prep

This bowel prep for colonoscopy is really a shitty matter. I don't know if I should feel regret for doing now or I should feel happy that doing this now will at least spare me for the next decade. The fasting is even more troublesome than fasting for Lent. I cannot eat vegetables, fruits, milk, wholemeal bread, and rough meat e.g. beef or pork. I was tempted to get salmon don yesterday but decided not too since it will be troublesome to pick up the cucumber bits. I bought the Taiwanese chicken cubes which I thought would come with plain rice. Instead, it was fried rice with bits of spring onion as toppings which was even more difficult to separate. I had plain bread for dinner which surprisingly still made me hungry although in terms of calories, the number of slices I ate should be comparable to my usual 2 bananas for dinner.

Today I had salmon sushi which luckily did not have any wasabi underneath. Worried that I would be hungry since I cannot eat anything else after my 6pm dinner today until tomorrow, I decided to get the Taiwanese chicken cutlet and cubes. My dinner would be plain bread as yesterday so I hoped the 'extra' calories from lunch would be sufficient.

Here comes the ultimate nightmare: the bowel prep regimen. I was supposed to take 2 packets of Fortrans with 2L of water at 8pm in one serving, followed by at least another 1.5L of water for the next 2-3 hours. My stomach was exploding after only 1.5L. So I only completed the 2L within half an hour. I was sitting in the toilet for the next half an hour. I did not expect it would be that fast but it helped the liquid to move down from my stomach as my stomach was no longer exploding. My worry comes true. Instead of solid, what coming out was only water. Where did my lunch go? Haiz... Is it stuck somewhere in my intestines? The water passing out is also different from diarrhea.  There was no sensation and the water just came out like waterfall. That was the reason I was just sitting at the toilet.

I did not think I would be able to take the additional 1.5L but I managed to do it between 10-11pm. I am not running to the toilet as frequently. In all, the end result now is my butthole is very sore T_T Damn it.

To make things worse, my landlord started cooking at 9pm. Seriously wtf. I hate the smell and the he did not clean the kitchen floor after making it oily. I had to mop it since I will walk through the kitchen to go the toilet. The cooking also made the toilet smell and my clothes stank of the food after I shit. Now I am washing my clothes and I don't give a damn about saving water and electricity.

I know this is just a small matter but it just feeds more negativity about my life in this rented place. A part of me wishes that I wake up in heaven after my sedation tomorrow. Somemore I dreamt about my dad last night. Is that a sign that he is picking me up tomorrow? Hehe.. Honestly if something happens and I have the vision of Jesus asking if I want to cross over, I will cross over and follow him. I do not know what will happen tomorrow and this may well be my very last post. I am not scared of dying but I am scared that I am too sinful to be in heaven. So my prayer and hope will be for God to forgive my sins and allow me to be with Him if I were not to wake up tomorrow.

Ancient life

I travelled back to the 'ancient' this week. I went to Sengkang Hospital for the very first time and LRT is one of the method to go there. I cannot remember the last time I took LRT but I felt so lost that I decided to walk instead. Haha.. The LRT platform was so congested (so small but there were so many people) and I could not figure out the West Loop and East Loop thingy. I screenshot a map to prepare myself for the walk but I was completely unfamiliar with the place that I had to return to the MRT to re-orientate myself. The hospital is actually very near. Initially I crossed the road to be at the side of the hospital and because of the buildings and trees, I could not see the hospital's name. The second time I left the MRT station, I was at the opposite side and I was like omg. The hospital was only 1 block away from the spot where I decided to u-turn earlier. Lol.

I got my Letter of Guarantee for my insurance on Friday and I need to print it. I was too lazy to go to office only to print. My landlord, my friend and myself do not own a printer. Luckily I remembered I used to print in the library. Yes, that was the ancient time in 2007 when settling my university admission. I was joking that I would laugh if they still use Cash Card nowadays. In the end, I became the joke as things are quite advanced now and I was lost since there is lack of guide.

The multimedia stations can be used to browse stuff without going to internet. To access the internet, I need to pay first and I do not even have library ID. I managed to figure out everything and I spent 45 cents for 15 minutes internet and 60 cents to print 2 A4 pages. The payment can be done online through Paypal too so they are really not as outdated as I expected haha.. The experience got me thinking: if a young person like me was having difficulties to figure out these, how would the elderly able to use these multimedia stuff independently. After all, these are mostly used by them who are more likely not to own computer at home. Or perhaps, I am simply more ancient than the old people.

I am suddenly feeling nostalgic with simpler life during 1.5 decades ago. This complements the feeling from a series I am currently watching about a volunteer teacher in a remote village. I do not know if I can survive living without electricity and convenience of life like laundry and take-away food. However, I think it maybe more meaningful to have a simple life that way. Just earn to have enough to get by and the purpose in life is for betterment of others.

Chasing worldy stuff is suffocating and never ending. This week I had to decide to skip Hyoga HQS from Tsume. Sigh.. My local shop is selling at a price more expensive than even Seiya HQS+ which is a bigger statue. Honestly though, the price is not the main issue. I am running out of space. Even if I can store the boxes in rental storage space, now I am even running out of space to display in my room. So I will end up storing this in an unopened box in the rental storage space. Not to mention, I am quite disappointed with the statue design as well. The overall colour scheme is not fantastic as it is mostly white/transparent. From the previous Tsume's transparent materials, I think this will look quite awful. The overall design does not feel like Hyoga doing one of his iconic attacks. The whole ice and swan thingy (and the LED) seem to be just needless gimmicks to make the figure bulkier and more expensive. I hate this approach and hence the deciding factor not to support this figure. After all, I am paying for the character and not for the objects. Having said all of this, a part of me is sad for not buying this as it means I will not complete this line :(  So yeah.. living a simple life without caring this kind of thing will be much better.

Stomach issues

I had gastric on last Sunday night that I had to wake up at 3am to take antacid which did not work. I was awakened up again at 4am and I took cimetidine. Lucky that was good enough until my wake up time. It was not my first time experiencing such thing so I did not think much. On Monday, I visited my uncle who was warded at Sengkang Hospital and this was when I started to notice abnormalities with my stomach. I only had bak chor mee for dinner and yet I felt as full as if I just had buffet. On Tuesday, I was not feeling hungry even though I ate much less than normally. Something was definitely not normal since usually I would already feel hungry at around 4pm-ish. My suspicion grew in the evening when I noticed my stomach was ballooning despite the little food.

I say 'balloon' rather than 'bloated' because internally I did not feel anything unusual. I only saw something not right when I saw myself in the mirror. My stomach was so big and looked like a pregnant belly. I was doubtful since perhaps I could be just fat or gaining weight. However another part of me was sure something was not right since I am so preoccupied with my tummy that I look at self in mirror quite frequently. I would 'suck' in to flatten my tummy but this time even 'sucking' in did nothing to the stomach. I was confident to see doctor on Wednesday after I saw my stomach did not deflate.

The GP referred me to a specialist for scopes. He did not say if something was wrong but I knew the physical examination was not similar to how he did it when I went for gastric and bloating previously. He suggested further check because it is quite unusual for someone young to keep on having stomach issues. I think I have stomach problems more frequent than flu or headache. Because of my company's insurance coverage, the GP clinic arranged referral with a specialist from the panel list. I was referred to Mt Alvernia for an appointment in the same afternoon. Cool! Very efficient. The specialist left it to me if I wanted to do scopes. I think he was very reasonable. He said that I have been experienced with gastric since I was young so I should know if this current episode is normal or not. If I suspect it is unusual, then I should consider scopes to check for possibility of things that have never been assessed before e.g. ulcer, Helicobacter and all that.

I do not mind gastroscopy since it will only required 6 hours fast and the procedure will take less than 5 minutes. I am more resistant about colonoscopy but since I would be sedated anyway, I may as well do it. Colonoscopy will take around 30 minutes maximum so it is not going to lengthen the sedation until I need to spend a night in the hospital. I am just lazy thinking about the bowel preparations. Haiz.. Anyway with my dad's colon cancer, it is just a matter of time before I need colonoscopy. Since colonoscopy result will be good for ~10 years before I need to re-do it again, I decide to do it.

I know I am being kiasi about these scopes. I am tempted to just brush this off since physically I do not feel any disturbing symptoms. However, looking back at my hernia previously, it started with monthly gastric pain for few months before. Then I had my dad and my uncle who tahan their stomach issues and by the time they became so bad to seek medical help, they ended up requiring surgery. So it is better to do it now rather than waiting until I have no other choice.

This week I am supposed to be in the office but I asked my boss to be at home so that I am nearer to Sengkang Hospital. I ended up returning to office just to settle my insurance coverage. Haha the irony.. Insurance is my biggest worry and now that has been settled. I am not worried about the scopes at all because it cannot be as bad as a surgery which I experienced before. In fact, I honestly hope that I never wake up again from the sedation and to wake up seeing God in heaven insteady. Haiz.. It is Lent and I am still thinking like that :(

I think I make the right decision to go for scope. This morning I had diarrhea 3x but I still think it was not complete emptying. Although I did not feel complete emptying, I can see that my stomach no longer looks as big as yesterday. Thus definitely it is not simply because I become fat but something is happening inside my stomach and it is better to have it checked.

Because of repeated diarrhea, I did not make it for my dermatologist appointment. I start to feel lazy for my regular visit as I still have a lot of the medicines. With working from home and the mask wearing when going outside, I only apply the creams in the evening instead of twice a day. My motivation of going is usually to help hitting $500 monthly spending requirement for my savings account interest. I decided to just heck it. I will not hit $500 and it's okay. I am just tired of chasing dollars and cents. Now I am only hoping that this stomach will not act up and disrupt my Mass tomorrow morning.

Self love... not anymore..

It is the Valentine's Day so let's talk about love. I realised that in the past, I was so selfish and narcistic. I loved myself so much that I could not care about loving others. Currently, I am feeling the complete opposite. I do not even love myself that I do not even open my heart to love others. Either way, that's why I remain single and I do not regret.

Earlier this week, I met up with my hostel friends whom I last met 15 years ago. Wow.. Two of them are mothers now. This reminded me that in the past, I would find myself longing for a family on my own and I would get jealous seeing my friends who were already married. I no longer have such sentiment nowadays which makes me sure that married life no longer interests me. Seeing CNY family pictures also did not evoke any emotions. In fact, I am completing shutting down myself this CNY. I am not replying some relatives who wished me happy CNY and I ask my sisters to reject if anyone is giving me angpau. That way, I would be easily forgotten and noone would be sad when I die.

I usually post something for CNY but I cannot really be bothered this year since I have no more desire in life or to live. If things are good, they will make my life more bearable. If things are bad, I hope it will bring me (closer) to end of my life. Haiz.. Lent is coming and I am still dwelling in this kind of dark thoughts.

Bittersweet

They say go to private sector if you want higher pay. BULLSHIT! I received the lowest salary increment ever in my work history. My bonus is even almost 10% lower than previous year. I know I should be grateful since there are people who lose their job, get a pay cut, receive no bonus/increment because of COVID. However, my irritation comes from the expectations since from around September last year, CEO has been saying that the company is able to maintain its revenue despite COVID bla bla bla.

In addition, my grade for year end appraisal was S but in the letter, it states that my performance was only B. I did not bother to bring it up as the answer would be moderation with other teams bla bla bla. If that is so then what is the point of S grade at the year end appraisal? Everything just does not tally and fucked up. I don't even care about higher management is forgoing some of their bonus to top up for the rest of the staff. That means without their sacrifice, the actual increment and bonus would be even more pathetic.

Although I am disappointed, it was rather short lived. A part of me feels liberated too. Knowing how pathetic the pay progression here, I have nothing to tie me down. Previously I had hesitation because I was still pining on the hope that pay progression is higher in private sector bla bla bla.

Looking back at the past year, I am glad that indeed money is not my top priority. Despite the pathetic increment and bonus, I still did not regret leaving my previous job. Haha... The work life balance from working from home is priceless.

With that, my plan moving forward is to start looking at alternative job. I will also not bother to put in so much effort in my current job since there is not much reward. Just do the bare minimum or even less since anything will also be B.

Diet died

It was barely 3 days and my diet plan completely failed yesterday. It was too difficult to resist a promotion for a potato chip brand that I never tried before. The normal price is almost $6 which is beyond my usual limit of $4 per bag. I think it is the first time this brand is ever put on promotion. Currently it is $7.90 for two bags. Not only it now falls under my budget, the ginger flavour caught my interest. Unfortunately the rest is kinda meh. But since I had to get two, I took the crinkle cut which turned out to be just a (super) salty flavour. Overall, I don't think both are fantastic. I don't know if I should regret for breaking my diet for something so so  or I should be happy that at least I know I won't be tempted with this brand anymore in the future. It is day 1 again today and I was almost tempted to get another potato chips earlier. Although I managed to resist, this is really an addiction.

So the item that I managed to sell this week is Sailor Moon Art Book Vol 5. I sold it for $400 and I bought it in 2013 for $271.25. That is only around $130 profit in almost 8 years. Vol 5 is the most expensive out of the 5 volumes. The reason for selling this was because after getting this one (which I thought was a good deal), I found a full set for $500. So there is no point for me to have 2 copies and I might as well sell it away.

I am glad to finally be able to sell this. I received too many false alarms from potential buyers as well as low ballers whom I completely ignored. The last round of false alarm was in September last year. It made me took the more recent photos and the person did not buy in the end. In the end the photos were useful as I told this current buyer that the photos were recently updated. It was curious that I received more enquiries on this item in the 6 months. I was quite fed up with the low ballers but that made me increase the listed price from $350 to $400 at the start of this year. Anyway this can be considered cheap as current eBay prices are around USD 500 minimum for this book.

The person buying this time is somehow based in Hong Kong. I think the person must really want the item and the transaction was hassle-free. The person asked a friend based in Singapore to get it so I did not have to deal with any bargaining. The buyer paid through Carousell and that forced me to learn about the payment system there as previously I have always been doing meet up and cash on delivery. Meet up was not convenient with the buyer while I could not find any local shipper who provide coverage as much as the price of the item. In the end, she arranged for a pick up and she would bear the risk so everything was cool for me. Lucky!

Starting over

I lost 10kg from the start of the WFH last year until phase 2. Since phase 2 until today, I already gain back 5kg. Sian... February is finally here and I decided not to wait until Lent to return to a disciplined life, whether it is for diet, gym and prayer. Food is the toughest. It is a constant internal battle to avoid grabbing potato chips in the supermarket and to keep my eyes straight on the pathway while walking pass all the snack shops. It helps that I have skipped bubble tea for so long that nowadays I am not really drawn towards bubble tea. At least that is one less hurdle.

Sadly today is only the 3rd of February and I already sort of failed a part of my diet commitment. I ordered delivery for lunch today as I was waiting for a pick up for my item. I was deliberating whether to take a chance of just going out to buy lunch since it would only take me about 15 minutes. I decided not to take the risk since the saving for lunch was not worth the item that I sold. Of course when I waited, the pick up person did not turn up during the time I usually go out to buy lunch. Oh well.. The jialat part was that I got hungry and decided to order delivery for dinner. Aaargh... I will write about this 'high value' item tomorrow after the item is successfully delivered and I have the money.

Losing weight is not possible without the exercise component. I have been slacking recently with the rainy weather as an excuse. I have to slowly start with alternate days as I don't think my body can take consecutive days, especially on days after pull up. I swear that even if it rains, I will still go. Though I doubt it will rain nowadays since the weather has been uncomfortably hot as usual recently.

Spiritually, I am still not improving in the past 2-3 weeks. I still feel that I am just rambling and talking to myself when praying. Haiz.. Nevertheless, I am not going to fall again like in the past. It is better to still pray although I feel that I am just talking to myself instead of not praying altogether.

Yesterday I met up with an ex-colleague to pick up my masks. Yeah I am ready for another lockdown please! Haha.. I am happy to hear the shitty stories as it means I made the correct decision to leave that shithole. It is clear that I don't fit into the company's culture. The new in-charge matches perfectly with the shitty culture of sucking up and having to suck up and yet it makes many people unhappy. Hehe.. A part of me also feel schadenfreude for the people who were unhappy with me last time. Now they get to enjoy real unhappiness and real shitty boss. Hehe.. 

It is so hard to adapt and adjust to new physical stuff like diet and exercise again. I know I can do it because I did it in the past. I just need the discipline which is harder to come by when I am not mentally in happy state. With the Ox Year coming, the forecast for Rabbit is not good. I know this kind of thing should be just for fun but I can't help not to be affected. When the forecast is good, life is shit so when the forecast is already not so good, life is gonna be shittier.

Looking forward to Lent

I just went for Mass earlier and time really flies. Chinese New Year is coming in less than 3 weeks and Ash Wednesday is immediately on the Wednesday after CNY. I am honestly surprised that I am looking forward to Lent for a reset with my life.

My spiritual state has not improved much since last week. I still feel that I am just reciting prayers and babbling to myself instead of actually praying and having a conversation with God. I am paying more attention to my food as my weight is slowly increasing. Not to mention that the cooling weather has been my excuse to be lazy with my gym for the past 2 weeks.

I am also getting worked up over $50 as I missed quarterly rebate for my UOB One Card because I got mixed up between $500 spending requirement based on calendar month (for interest to my savings account) vs statement month (for the rebate). My statement month ends on the 27th and in Nov, my last few spendings to reach the $500 was after the 27th. Because of this, I am watching my spending more closely this month. Not to mention that DBS Multiplier is cutting down interest rates from this month and for me to maximise, putting all my money to UOB is more worth it provided I hit the $500. If I don't hit, I will end up with zero bonus interest. I end up spending more for food and potato chips. While these are not sufficient to hit the $500, they are really successful to make me fat.

I was short of $120 yesterday but somehow I managed to hit it yesterday. Lol. I collected my Singapore Mint Ox coins yesterday and there was an ongoing store promotion for Mickey-shaped CNY medallions. I wanted to pre-order them previously but I did not. I was being a scrooge back then. When there was a promotion for Singapore Mint membership in November, I rejected since I thought there would not be many things that I would buy. After all, I usually only buy the Ni-Cu coin and Treasure Cove pack for every CNY. Anything other than that is only as and when there is any interesting things. When the pre-order letter came in December, there are a lot of Disney CNY stuff T_T I calculated that I would save if I were to sign up as member previously. Because of that, I did not order any of the Disney CNY stuff in hope of a membership promotion again.

I bought the medallion for $22 yesterday which is cheaper than $25 member price. The individual 12 Zodiac medallions are also on promotion ($16 x 12 = $192). It will be cheaper than the full set ($210 even for member) but I want the full set because of the box. Haiz.. A pass for this for now since in 2020 I already bought a full set.

Initially I wanted to get Haikyuu Complete Illustration book to wrap up my monthly spending. I went to Kinokuniya for the first time in more than a year haha.. In the end I did not buy it. I realised that my membership was expiring and it would cost $55+ to renew for three years. Luckily I checked my card more carefully because yesterday happened to be the last day i.e. it was not expired yet. I ended up buying 2 postcard books for Twisted Wonderland. I will renew my membership next time when I have difficulty hitting monthly spending requirements. Hehe.. So what happened to the Haikyuu book? I will buy it as delivery next time as it is thick and heavy. There is Slam Dunk Illustration Book vol 2 which is also big and heavy. So perhaps I will wait until April for 20% sale for Good Friday weekend (I hope there would be) to renew membership and get these two books. I am pretty sure there will be sale for CNY in Feb but I will skip because I have my skin doctor appointment and hitting $500 for Feb will not be a problem.

Frankly I am hoping for another lockdown. The crowd is getting normal and any distancing is just impractical. I just find it irritating to be in a crowd and still having to don a mask. I think it is easier to hope for a lockdown so that it gets less crowded and to hope for no longer need to wear a mask. People are getting more irresponsible as well. This morning I kept hearing people coughing, clearing their throat, or snorting their nose during Mass. Gosh.. If you are not well, please stay at home! I hope they were just having rhinitis because of the aircon but given the current situation, it just feels so irritating to be around these people.

I collected my Trace Together token and so far I have not received any notification of close proximity with a suspect case. Lol I am hoping I have that so that I can excuse myself from going to office for this coming week. Sian...

So much angst.. so much negativity.. so much unhappiness. That's why I am waiting for Lent so that I have a stronger reason to give up my junk food which will indirectly help with my weight. Lent is also a season for praying which I hope can somehow revitalise my spiritual state.

Perspectives

A cup of bubble tea easily costs more than $5. I usually wait until a bag of my favourite Kettle cost $3.95 before buying. One good meal from any fast food chain is easily above $10. It is so easy to spend on these few times in a week without thinking. Entertainment-wise, watching a movie is $13 for a 2-3 hours thrill. Yet I keep feeling guilty when I spent $7 for a month for free gems or $20 for a monthly pass in a mobile game. Sigh.. When comparing to how gaming in the past was or how much a fully developed console game, monthly spending for a gacha games feel like a waste of money. It is frustrating but I have to just 'bluff' myself that I am forgoing bubble tea and use the money for gaming. One-time or 10 minutes of excitement vs a month of enjoyment. Yep it is worth it.

Fast food streaks struck me again in the past two weeks as I was trying new stuff such as Mala fries from McD, chicken skin from KFC (now there is normal and spicy variants), and Mac and Cheese Subway. The good thing is as always, after binging, there has been no further desire to repeat any. Yep, they are all just so so haha..

Currently I am feeling super fucked up with the house maid.  She always cooks damn fucking smelly stuff and the smell lingered. Not to mention she did not clean the kitchen properly and finally there was cockroach last night. That was the last straw and I told my landlady to inform the maid to clean the kitchen after she cooks. I think she swept but still did not mop the floor today. Fucking maid. Earlier this week she did not throw a rotten fruit for two days and there were a lot of fruitflies.

Yesterday was super frustrating because the smell went into my room and I even had to re-wash my laundry. I have been patient but after this, I won't give a fuck anymore. I am just waiting a moment to tell my landlady that the main has not been mopping the floor for God knows how long. Even doing laundry she is also getting lazier. I do not mind about that as I prefer to do my own laundry anyway. She does only 2-3x a week and the machine is so full so how would it be clean? I often get itch which I suspect is because of that.

All these negativities flow over to my prayers as well. I feel like giving up praying altogether as I feel like a hypocrite. I keep praying for graces to be obedient, to be grateful, to carry my cross and follow Him, etc and yet what I am feeling is the opposite. I still hate the state of my current life and I do not know what God wants me to do in life. Praying just feels like a lip-service and for me, being an unpraying prodigal son is better than being a hypocrite. Haiz.. Again, it is a matter of perspective. In the end I still continue to pray because lip-service is still better than just giving up to evil.

The first reading for Mass today is about God calling Samuel. I am still waiting for God to call me and tell me what He wants me to do as currently I am already giving up on my own life and I just want to obey instead of searching. How I wish that He will just call me as a voice from heaven like what happened to Samuel and save me the trouble of the discernment stuff as I do not know whose voice and whose sign I have or I am looking for.