Perspectives

A cup of bubble tea easily costs more than $5. I usually wait until a bag of my favourite Kettle cost $3.95 before buying. One good meal from any fast food chain is easily above $10. It is so easy to spend on these few times in a week without thinking. Entertainment-wise, watching a movie is $13 for a 2-3 hours thrill. Yet I keep feeling guilty when I spent $7 for a month for free gems or $20 for a monthly pass in a mobile game. Sigh.. When comparing to how gaming in the past was or how much a fully developed console game, monthly spending for a gacha games feel like a waste of money. It is frustrating but I have to just 'bluff' myself that I am forgoing bubble tea and use the money for gaming. One-time or 10 minutes of excitement vs a month of enjoyment. Yep it is worth it.

Fast food streaks struck me again in the past two weeks as I was trying new stuff such as Mala fries from McD, chicken skin from KFC (now there is normal and spicy variants), and Mac and Cheese Subway. The good thing is as always, after binging, there has been no further desire to repeat any. Yep, they are all just so so haha..

Currently I am feeling super fucked up with the house maid.  She always cooks damn fucking smelly stuff and the smell lingered. Not to mention she did not clean the kitchen properly and finally there was cockroach last night. That was the last straw and I told my landlady to inform the maid to clean the kitchen after she cooks. I think she swept but still did not mop the floor today. Fucking maid. Earlier this week she did not throw a rotten fruit for two days and there were a lot of fruitflies.

Yesterday was super frustrating because the smell went into my room and I even had to re-wash my laundry. I have been patient but after this, I won't give a fuck anymore. I am just waiting a moment to tell my landlady that the main has not been mopping the floor for God knows how long. Even doing laundry she is also getting lazier. I do not mind about that as I prefer to do my own laundry anyway. She does only 2-3x a week and the machine is so full so how would it be clean? I often get itch which I suspect is because of that.

All these negativities flow over to my prayers as well. I feel like giving up praying altogether as I feel like a hypocrite. I keep praying for graces to be obedient, to be grateful, to carry my cross and follow Him, etc and yet what I am feeling is the opposite. I still hate the state of my current life and I do not know what God wants me to do in life. Praying just feels like a lip-service and for me, being an unpraying prodigal son is better than being a hypocrite. Haiz.. Again, it is a matter of perspective. In the end I still continue to pray because lip-service is still better than just giving up to evil.

The first reading for Mass today is about God calling Samuel. I am still waiting for God to call me and tell me what He wants me to do as currently I am already giving up on my own life and I just want to obey instead of searching. How I wish that He will just call me as a voice from heaven like what happened to Samuel and save me the trouble of the discernment stuff as I do not know whose voice and whose sign I have or I am looking for.