Going out in phase 2

I usually do blood donation after gym so today was the first time going for it at 10am when the center just opened. I thought I was early enough but I was already the third person in the queue. Lol. It is heartening to see that people are donating and I know better to go at 10am subsequently because no matter what, it will always be busy. By the time I finished at around 1050am, until bed 10 was occupied so it was really non-stop right from the start.

I was hesitating whether to cut my hair. I last cut it just before the circuit breaker so it has been 2.5 months. My hair was not irritating yet except for the part near the ears and the side burns. To be able to last so long tempted me to return to the barber where I cut it in April. However it is no longer having 20% promotion now and it is going to be $40+ now. Plus with the need to put on the mask while cutting is just lame. Since there was no queue for QB just now, I decided to cut. I am glad that I got quite a young guy because usually males will be a bit more particular when cutting for males haha.. As earlier feared, the mask really ruined my sideburns. I think currently they are not as short/clean as usual. Oh well...

Although it is generally more crowded now than during the circuit breaker, it is not the full crowd yet. I wanted to take away KFC but I was using the screen after someone did not properly log out and the settings were still for dine in. So I had to experience dining in. Haha.. No way I would get an empty table during lunch hours under normal circumstances.

I also had my KOI fix so now I can stay in my cave safely even if there would be a CB2. Hahaha... For now I am happy that my office is extending WFH until the next notice on 19 July. Keep on continuining please... Hehehe...

Worse than prodigal son

This week I am slowly falling over to the dark side. I thought I have gotten over all the angst in my life but once you are hurt, the scar is always there and can hurt again anytime. The climax was this morning. After watching the 40th day commemoration of my dad's passing, it hurt so much to see that I had (yes, past tense) a comfortable home and family to return to but instead of enjoying those, I had to live homeless and lonely life for more than half of my life. Unlike the prodigal son who left the Father on his own wish, got his inheritance, and had the choice to repent to return to the Father, I am the complete opposite. I was asked to leave, I have to fend for myself and I have no option to return. My dad is gone. With my degree unrecognised, no driving skills and no connection, nothing can replace the lost time and opportunity even if I want to return.

I always tell myself that the only thing justifying my whole ordeal is my baptism. Perhaps this is also a self lie I am telling myself as a coping mechanism. Though considering passive suicidal thoughts are my friends, it is also true to say if not for God, perhaps I would already take the action.

My healthy goal to sleep before midnight failed for the whole week as I was caught with a good series. I even slept at almost 2am for the past 2 days to wrap up the series. It is a nice show but it partly fueled my current negativity with the visuals of nice home and good friends -things I left behind for I don't know what in exchange. However, there is one sentence that strikes me from the show "Are you angry or do you just want to punish him?" when the two main characters are angry at one another.

Neither is a good answer because it does not change anything to what already happened in the past. If I am being a good child of God, I know I should just let it go and let all have a good time moving forward. Unfortunately, I am currently just being too dark. Since my life is already like shit, all of you are going down with me. Indeed, seriously at this point only God can help me to draw me back to the light and to harden not my hearts.

Gundam Wing Tricolor

Gundam Wing is my favourite. It does not normally get a lot of merchandises so I always hope that it will have more merchandises. Now my wish comes true with the newly announced Gundam Wing Tricolor collection that I can order through Premium Bandai. But I am emo because there are 7 different items and 6 of them has 5 variants each (1 for each pilot). Huhuhu T_T It is simply impossible to own them all. I usually only post about toys that I own but this will be an exception since it is very rare that Gundam Wing gets merchandises. Hehe...

Acrylic calendar (1980 yen or SGD 28)

Keychain (880 yen or SGD 13)

Pillow 48 cm x 27 cm (4730 yen or SGD 68)

Pouch 19.5cm x 14cm (1650 yen or SGD 24)

T-shirt (3300 yen or SGD 47)

Tumbler 320ml (2530 yen or SGD 36)

Face Towel 34cm x 82cm (3300 yen or SGD 47)

Apparently there is another item which is available in the Bandai Fashion website but not in Premium Bandai. That item is recyclable shopping bag that goes for 2530 yen each. It also has 5 variants but the website does not allow me to save the picture so I cannot post it here. Hopefully Premium Bandai will have it because I will get it.

As much as I want them all, money and space are limited resources. It is easy to forgo the T-shirt (too plain and too expensive for that price), the pillow (definitely not use-able as I like those harder contoured pillows, not the soft ones), the tumbler (don't think I will use them), and the keychain (never a fan of keychains as collectibles). The calendars and towel are definite buys for me and I am still on the fence about the pouch. I still have about 2 weeks to decide.

Sigh.. how I wish I am rich and I can decorate my rooms and house like the following pictures:

Wufei is usually my least favourite among the five but surprising he is given my favourite colour here. Hehe.. The most surprising thing, however, is that he is the only one smiling in this illustration. Usually Duo and Quatre are the more friendly two among them.

Cravings fulfilled

When there is food craving, it is easier to succumb and then be freed from the craving after that. I finally ordered KFC last Thursday to try the double down mozarella and sour cream and onion fries. My luck was soooo 'great' that the lunch was free since I received someone else's order. I did not get to try the new menu since I got Bandito pocket and cheese fries from the regular menu. Somehow after that, the cravings to try the new menu did not return.

However, I still could not help thinking about McD. Bishan Park branch was finally open when I checked yesterday evening. I did not want to take the risk to order for lunch today (in case they do not want to deliver for whatever reason) so I ordered McD for dinner. Honestly there is nothing fantastic with the coconut pie and the boneless chicken. It was just tempting previously as I had not had any McD since February. With cravings fulfilled, I no longer think about McD anymore. I had around $5+ in my Grab Wallet and after topping up the minimum $10, I was lucky to find something for lunch today that leaves my Grab Wallet balance as $0.01. I can uninstall Grab now hahaha...

I am quite backward when it comes to technology. I do not even use PayLah or PayNow until now. For the sake of credit card rewards, I have to digitise one of my UOB cards to get extra rewards points. Too bad that when I want to be more technology advanced, my device does not allow me. My UOB Mighty does not show Mighty Pay option so I am guessing that the app can tell that my phone has no capability for the digital payment. Oh well.. Uninstall also.

I was so pissed again with the volunteering session on last Saturday as it ended at 11pm again. It was so ridiculous to reach home past midnight. I managed to hold my tongue and emotion and I am calmer now. But now that the roster for July onwards is open again just like pre-COVID days, perhaps I will not sign up anymore. Let them know if they can get volunteers who are willing to do until 11pm on Saturday evenings even when on the schedule is written as until 930pm. May that be a lesson for them to organise things more properly and do not simply abuse or take the volunteers for granted.

When drama resonates with personal life

After my post last Sunday of wondering what new series to pick up, I started on a good one that tempted me to sacrifice my sleep on the very same night. Haha.. I really enjoy it that I finished the series and its sequel (a total of 28 episodes) by Friday. The first season takes place in the university and revolves around hazing activities while the sequel jumps 2 years later when the character has entered the working world and internship. The story is realistic enough that it really brings back my memories as I can relate with my personal life.

Hazing

Hazing, ragging, orientation, initiation. There are many names to call this activity although some have more negative connotation than others. I experienced both the harsh/uncivilised version (in senior high school) and the more civilised version (in JC and university). The one in the drama is the harsh one because obviously the civilised version will be too boring. It is interesting that despite being in different countries, the hazing stuff is about the same: the seniors are shouting etc at the beginning, then later on show that they will also do the punishments meted out to the juniors previously, before eventually revealing that everything is just an 'act' at the end.

Looking back, it does not matter each style, the activities themselves are kind of useless. The facade is always about building bonds, unity, knowing more people etc but after the orientation period wraps up, people are just back being strangers.

I disagree with the physical punishment. However, looking at long term usefulness, surprisingly the harsh type of hazing is more beneficial in the long run. All the shouting and mental distress are good preparation in what lies in 'real' world or working world. The civilised one is just for 'feeling good' or even optional is sort of rubbish because that is not how the real world works.

We will meet strangers and we have to know how to approach them if needed which is the relevance of 'gathering of seniors' signature activities. At times we are forced to do things that we think are useless and we just have suck it up for work with is the relevance of doing whatever stupid stuff the seniors ask. At work, what we think as useless may be just because we do not see the value of that actual work. So if we teach the values of making things optional or doing things as you like, these people will not survive the real work next time.

The most important thing that comes from the shoutings is yes we will meet psychos at work, whether they are bosses, colleagues, clients, etc. We cannot control them or the situation that they put us into all the time but what we can do is how to have the resilience to overcome such situations.

Work

I used to look for dramas outside school life because I am no longer schooling. It is very difficult to find such stories because working life is just boring, no matter how we want to dramatise it. Just using this as an example, the plot and the new characters introduced in the season 2 at the work place are so boring. They mainly revolve around office politics. Bleah...

Watching both seasons back to back made me appreciate the values of the hazing from the first season.  As I mentioned above, psychos are everywhere. At work, you can just have people bullying others simply because they are more 'seniors'. Seriously these type of people should just be gone from this earth.

At the same time, it makes me realised that my working life has been quite blessed as I have never been outright bullied and shouted at just because I was new. Of course I am not spared with the other subtler toxic environment such as sarcasm and condescension when I was a newbie or simply because I look young/new/inexperienced as well as the regular favouritism and office politics subsequently. Thanks to my hazing experience, at least I know the art of 'going in one ear and going out another ear' and the resilience that as long as I do not engage in their 'game', they will not overpower me. Eventually, the sweetest revenge will come when they know my true value: just like at the end of the orientation in my senior high school, when the senior knew I was the top student in junior high school, he felt a bit paiseh. After all, in school life, academic strength is more valued than seniority. Hehe.. Similarly now at work, I also have certain skill sets that others do not have so do not simply underestimate me just because my strengths are different from yours.

Thank you for the trip down the memory lane with this drama. Now I just want to be a good colleague and senior at work. Stay away from all the toxicities hehe..

Food woes

One concept learnt during my smoking cessation training is never to ask for someone to quit more than one things at a time. As much as I have already realised that currently I am obsessed with losing weight and I would like to stop obsessing over it, I still cannot stop the obsession. To achieve this, I need to avoid junk food, avoid overeating, exercise, and have sufficient sleep. To make several lifestyle changes at the same time is too much and is tearing me down mentally. Not to mention that a part of the 'overeating' has a hidden agenda: to save money and cut spending on food.

I am having craving for McD since last last week but sadly I could not do delivery as the branch nearest me (Bishan Park) has not been serving McDelivery orders. On one of the days when I checked GrabFood, it showed that AMK branch was available for delivery and I thought I could have McD for lunch on the following day. Nope.. Since then, even GrabFood showed no McD delivery for me. While searching GrabFood, I found a deal for Burger King: $12.80 for 3 burgers and 2 fries. I have been thinking about it but I am pulled back by the delivery charge (tahan a few more days until I stop my Deliveroo subscription) and if I can finish so much on my own. I have not ordered it until today and arrrgh.. I keep thinking about it. I almost went hypo on Wednesday evening and I made a bargain: lets buy some potato chips to add on for dinner and skip thinking about fast food until the weekends.

I finally ended my Deliveroo Plus subscription today and hopefully that will help to lessen the thoughts about food. I kept thinking about maximising the last few days of subscription which is a direct contradiction to my aim to reduce overeating, cut down calories (I even thought of ordering ice cream pints) and save money. Durian season is here and it does not help to have additional craving although luckily so far there is no durian delivery at Deliveroo, unlike last year.

My knees occasionally hurt when I sleep. I will not describe the sensation as 'pain' but more of the stinging or tingling sensation. That is enough to make me not to push with my exercise so much. My 5x a week goal is reduced to 3x a week nowadays. I am more concerned if I injure my knees than about weight loss for this though.

New resolutions for June

My sleep has not returned to normal and I have been waking up repeatedly for no reasons at night. This starts to be bothersome now as I wake up feeling tired. Because of this, I made it an aim to sleep latest by 12am from 1 June onwards. I also stopped drinking bottled milk teas thinking that the caffeine maybe the culptrit (although the real reason is there was no stock when I went for grocery shopping last week). Unfortunately both failed and for the past week I still have problems sleeping. Sigh..

It has not been a successful week to fulfil this goal, though. I realised that it was time to replace my dehumidifiers on Tuesday. I only go out once a week lately and I will have no hands to get groceries as well as dehumidifiers. Groceries are more important since I want to choose my fruits so I explored delivery services for dehumidifiers. I misread Watsons' pricing and I thought Guardian's dehumidifier was cheaper. Minimum spending was $40 for free delivery fee and I spent half an hour trying to find things to make it up to $40. After doing so, it said that there was no delivery slot and to check on the following day. I waited slightly past midnight but there was no delivery slot. Even until Wednesday morning, there was no delivery slot. After checking its facebook page and reading all the complaints about its delivery service, I decided to ditch Guardian. This was when I realised that Watsons' dehumidifier was actually cheaper. Lol.

Watsons waived delivery fee for first online order so I did not need to find items to make up the amount. The earliest delivery slot was for next Saturday but surprisingly I already received the items yesterday. Wow. I know Ninjavan has mostly negative feedback but I think the delivery person for my area is great and so far I have no problem with Ninjavan. In fact, I had worse experiences with Yamato.

My diet needs further adjustment as I have not been able to lose weight since 2 months ago. I finally finished my stockpile of instant noodles and pasta and I managed not to order delivery for lunch for weekdays. This will be my new diet goal. My weight loss obsession is getting unhealthy that I feel very bothered when I do not pass motion daily despite knowing that perhaps it might be due to diet changes last week. I received a carton of fruits from a friend last week. I declined condolence money for my dad's passing so she sent me fruits instead. Thus I was only eating those fruits for last week. Nonetheless, I start to take vitagen twice a day in the hope of regulating my bowel movement.

How can one person finish all these?

The other drive for limiting lunch delivery is saving money as one lunch delivery is easily twice to thrice the cost of buying food from hawker center. I have given up on the possibility of spending $500 per month for my UOB One so there is really no reason to spend. Just when this though of saving money comes, temptation comes too in the form of preorder for Angemon figurine. Sigh...

I spent Friday night checking out and contemplating. Thank goodness my final decision is not to buy. $400 for a PVC figure is not worth it especially considering the previous Megahouse Digimon GEM large figures are hollow. Although Angemon is one of my favourite digimons, he is too fierce here, unlike the Angemon from the first Digimon Adventure. This figure also does not come with Takeru so  that makes it easier to pass.

My research brought me to know that the Digimon Adventure reboot was stuck at episode 3 due to COVID. Toei Animation's official Youtube channel uploaded a few highlight videos for the reboot. The character design is the same and I only notice changes in their clothes. I am okay with the change in story but what disappoint me the most is the fact that now the Digidestined kids do not seem to be friends to start their adventure together. I am still looking forward to this reboot though.

Yesterday I was activated for a volunteering session again. Despite my irritation from previous week, I said yes. I had a partner yesterday so it was not too bad.  My partner also experienced almost ending at 11pm on Wednesday and hence she asked for a dispensing partner yesterday. I hope that drives across the message to the organiser since it is not only me complaining. If they plan for more than 30 patients per session, they better get 2 people for dispensing. I did not get the chance of wearing the 'spacesuit' PPE yesterday :( Although I was not as angsty as last week, I was not 100% happy either. It is irritating to deal with self-entitled people who still wanted to argue and bargain over the freebies/donations. I know it is not right for me to think this way but I cannot help it: if you go any other clinic, it would be already at least $30 just to see the doctor. Add the medicines and it would be easily $50. Yet at this volunteer-run clinic when you only need to pay minimally ($8 flat), you still want to ask for freebies. Gosh!! If every person takes up 1 minute just to bargain about the freebies, it is going to waste everyone's time by 40-45 minutes per session.

In the past 2 weeks, I have finished another Thai series which has 3 seasons, although the third season is only 6 episodes of 15 minutes each. This is another good one although it got me hooked quite slow at the start since the first season was out in 2016. The actors were still very young and the acting was very awkward. The approach was kinda old and not exciting as the more recent series. However, after finishing everything, the series is actually quite charming with its innocence. The third season was out in 2019 so it is nice to see that despite the 3 year time jump in the story, they still keep the sweet and innocent elements. Though if we talk about realism, the characters here are too good to be true. I don't think nowadays there are people who can be so selfless and so patient towards the persons they love or their friends like what in this series.

Hmm... time to decide what new series to pick up for next week. Hahaha.. Never expect that this lockdown makes me binge watching dramas in Youtube sia.

Bye bye CB

I just had another nasty and disappointing volunteering session yesterday (since now is past midnight when I am typing this). I set out with a positive mindset to be helpful and bring joy but sadly circumstances turned me into a devil again. Last week I was already quite pissed with having 30 patients and yesterday, they had 43. I am not upset or angry because I had to work harder or spend longer hours. I am upset and angry because it was just impossible. If they are going to increase the load, then jolly well get another person to help with the dispensing. We ended past 1030pm just now and if I were to keep my cool and standard (i.e. no rushing, no scolding), perhaps we would only end at midnight.

If last week, I was scolding 25% of the time, today I leveled up to even blackfacing and throwing tantrum. It pissed me off when people started to get impatient and crowding at the door. That was not gonna make me able to do more quickly. While they had the guts to be that impatient, when their turns came, they still wasted time by not knowing their queue numbers, their IC numbers, and so on. There were still people who shamelessly asked for freebies. What the fucking hell man!

I am not making excuses that these external factors drove me nuts. However, the ultimate thing that really upset me is myself: I lost my cool, I was rude, I was not able to be as professional as I wanted to do. Basically I did not do what I intended to do and did the opposite. Today would be my last day volunteering until I do not know when. This is not the first time I am feeling so angry. I am not being calculative and I am alright with longer hours. What I hate is when people cannot plan properly and end up 'abusing' the volunteers by admitting more than the capacity of the volunteers on that particular day. This has been a perennial issue and that is why they find it difficult to retain volunteers. It sucks to reduce the standard of our practice just so that we can make sure everyone (yes including the patients) not waiting for too long and not going home too late.

I took a photo in full PPE and I said my goodbye that yesterday was my last day of volunteering. That is the truth and I am not sulking because indeed yesterday was the last session assigned to me. If they are going to approach me for June, I will definitely refuse at least for the first 2 weeks. It is not the physical tiredness. It is more of the mental burden and the guilt. It sucks wanting to do good but ending up hurting others and committing sins.

Let's end this rant with a moral question:

Is it better to help but end up hurting others and yourself or not help/do nothing so that noone gets hurt?

Dad loves car

Yesterday was the first night that I was able to sleep uninterrupted. It gave me hope that my sleeping pattern had returned to normal which turned out to be a false hope. Last night, I had interrupted sleep again and I had two dreams about my dad.

First dream was about me wanting to open an umbrella to take out things from the car. However, my dad said to let him do that and asked me to wait at the covered part in front of the house so that he could pass over the things. I even vividly remembered that at the end of this dream, I told him to be careful and not to slip.

Second dream was about I would be late for school (for exam!) because my sisters were hogging the toilet for too long. My dad turned out to be already waiting in the car to drive me. I noticed that he was reading the newspaper while waiting for me and he was wearing the shorts usually he wore at home. I was quite emo because of this dream awakened the childhood memories at home before I came to Singapore. It was dad who drove us (including my sisters) to school when I was in junior high school. It was just like the dream: it was always him waiting in the car and chasing after us while we were still busy going to the toilet at last minute, putting our socks and shoes, or even finishing the last bite of the breakfast.

I dreamt about my dad again during my nap earlier. There was something first (which I could not recall) and I only remembered when he asked me to wake up at 6am tomorrow to follow him to go to Puncak. His car was making noises and he wanted me to help him video it so after that he could review the Youtube video to investigate the noise. Haha... no idea why Youtube was specifically mentioned. I immediately woke up because I was giving him black face. Lol.. It is not that I hate to go to Puncak, it is just that only once in a blue moon that I will be happy to go. What made me black face in the dream was about the something that I could not recall. I was like "Eh got that something happening but you want me to wake up so early tomorrow to go to Puncak with you".

The funny thing is I just noticed that the common thing across these three dreams is CAR. Perhaps car is indeed his most favourite object in the house. Haha.. People say that perhaps my dad visited me to say that he is already in the better place and that is how he can send me the message in the dream. The realistic part of me think that it was just a coincidence. It was raining heavily and repeatedly last night, I was chatting with my sister and jokingly angry at her before I slept last night, and I am watching Youtube videos too much lately. These are why they appeared in my dreams. The fallacy with this theory, however, is that I have not been thinking of my dad lately so why would my brain carry such thought in my sleep.

Whatever it is, I do not want to overthink or be sad or cry about my dad. I would like to freely let him be in heaven than making him worried about him. Nonetheless, these dreams made me emo again with the realisation that with his passing, everything that he had worked hard for was also left behind. So what is the point of working hard and how should I make use of my life? Sigh...

One week on

Today is the seventh day to commemorate my dad's passing. I am thankful for my cousins who live streamed the mass from my home. Just looking at the living room helped to soothe my homesickness. I really prefer to stay home there than my fake home here. Haiz.. I did not cry or have those negative feelings that swarmed me last week so I think I am mentally better. Strangely, I still had difficulty sleeping throughout the night and still woke up a few times.

Life is slowing getting to normal for me as I start to be bothered with the useless things that usually bothers me. For example, weight. I really do not think I can even go under 60kg. Having lost 10% of my weight, I wonder what I have actually lost since I think the excess fats around my belly is still as much as last time. After taking break from diet and exercise last week, I am restarting again.

May is the first month that I see how circuit breaker helps to save my money. For the first time, I am unable to meet the minimum $500 spending for my credit card this month. I could have saved even more if I did not order lunch delivery last week because I was too emo to go out. I will usually order delivery on the weekends but after doing my finance yesterday, I managed to restrain myself for today which happens to be Hari Raya. For this coming week, I will either buy from hawker centre or eat the instant food I stocked up for covid. I already stopped stocking up for the past 2 weeks but I cannot eat the instant food everyday because I find them not filling.

I still did not get a photo in PPE because on Saturday, the clinic manager was roaming around instead of being at the admin station. I was also not in the mood because there were 3 doctors on duty so there were around 30 patients for the session. Time is tight for 1 person to dispense to 30 patients so I was easily losing patience. Perhaps I lost my cool 25% of the time to everyone who jammed my queue. So disappointed with myself as my habit simply does not wear off just because I am not doing this as full time job anymore.

I just finished another Thai series in the past week. It is surprisingly a diamond in the rough. It is so difficult to follow at the start as it is so full of angst and I prefer lighthearted and comedic shows. The characters are so frustrating to watch but at the same time they are so well written. I am so angry at how "asshole" and how "stupid" the characters are but I cannot get angry to the series overall as these types of people really exist in real life so everything is still within the boundary of realism. Thank goodness the ending wraps up the series nicely.

Coincidentally, one ongoing series that I am currently following on Saturday made me a little bit emo. It is a comedy so it was unexpected that for this recent episode, two characters are bonding over stories of their respective fathers' death T_T Hur hur...