Recurrence?

Since Friday, I have been battered with the anxiety and negative thoughts. I am currently extremely bothered and worried if I am having a hernia recurrence. I start to feel a pressing sensation on my right inguinal region. I can feel the sensation of imbalance between my left and right side. Upon pressing, my right side also feels different compared to the left. It feels harder and this really gives similar sensation to my hernia previously. Sigh... Of course, a part of me thinks that perhaps I am thinking and worried about this and maybe it is just some placebo effect to feel the right side to be different from the left. I decide to stop my exercising to see if the current sensation maybe due to stretched or tired muscles or something. If this sensation does not go away after another 1-2 weeks, I really have to see the previous surgeon to check.

Yesterday I re-read my posts pertaining to my previous hernia surgery and haiz... Just to thought of re-experiencing those, I am sincerely praying that I will die during the surgery or something. Even when everything is going right, I prefer being dead to being a life. It is quite easy to choose between death and living in suffering. I know I should not be having such thoughts, I know they are wrong, but it is just difficult for me to resist these passive suicidal thoughts lately. My thoughts always wander even when I am praying. It is contradicting to pray 'May Your will be done', 'I will accept my cross', and so on but the next moment the thought of 'God, please call me back to You'. It is also weird that even though I am telling my mind not to worry since it is not going to help with anything, my mind just cannot stop firing all these thoughts about dying.

I paused watching dramas last week to start working on online photobook. That ended on Thursday when I picked up something with 17 episodes -the longest series I picked up so far. I find it quite draggy as scenes tend to be unnecessarily long for extra dramatic effects. For example, the people can look at into each other or do simple things like eating or cooking and yet these scenes run for quite long. Maybe I am too used to GMMTV series which tend to have faster pace and funny and loud atmosphere. Other than that, the story itself is quite interesting although the concept of reincarnation is not that original. I found out that previously I watched another series by the same director and only then realised no wonder the approach and 'feels' are very similar, except for this new series feels darker because of the suicide theme that leads to the reincarnation.

And now I am running out of idea on what to watch next.