Peaceful irony

After touching myself yesterday (as wrong as that sounds), I am pretty confident now that I am having hernia again. Sigh.. I can finally be quite confident to feel that my right side is indeed 'harder' than the left. Although no protrusion is visible from the outside, when I move my fingers from the side towards the belly button, I can feel that the left side is smooth and straight while the right side has a bump underneath. The irony is that I feel more at peace today as there is no more anxiety and wondering if there is something wrong or just my imagination. I sent the request for an appointment with my previous surgeon this morning and I am still waiting to be contacted for the actual appointment slot.

The symptoms are not as bad as 6 years ago but now suddenly I feel that things are starting to make sense. I do not really have frequent gastric pain but there were few episodes of funny feeling with my stomach as if the wall of my stomach was spasming and the stomach felt empty. I thought it was due to diet changes as it happened previously when I was eating the fruits from my friend for dinner which might not be as filling (in terms of volume). Yesterday I had similar feeling again despite having full stomach since my KFC lunch so likely it is not related to being hungry or full. I am still having sleeping difficulties up to now which previously I thought was the continuation of the anxiety when my dad was hospitalised. Now it feels as if my body automatically knows that something is not right.

Sigh.. I don't want to suffer.. I don't want to deal with pain. I really hope if need any surgery maybe I can just do not survive the surgery. What a joke if every 5 hours I have to deal with this kind of thing. But yeah even though I am writing such negative thoughts, I honestly feel much better today as compared to yesterday. At least things are getting clearer and as always, worrying does not help. I do not even feel anger or asking "Why is this happening to me?". I am able to accept and just do whatever needed to be done. Perhaps the biggest irony is I fear more hassle in surviving than being dead. Somehow the passive suicidal traits help this time eh?