Still in 2019

I feel that I am still living in 2019 as I have not composed myself to look back at my 2019. Aging is real and crazy. It took me 4 days to recover from the 2 nights of sleep deficiency so I extended my gym suspension for another week. Meanwhile, I successfully dragged myself for Saturday Novenas, Sunday masses, Landings sessions, and volunteering session. I convinced myself if I did not force myself to start 2020 in the right track, I would just fall into a life of mess again.

I am happy that I did not skip last week's Sunday mass and Landings session. Last week's Sunday was the Epiphany which I hardly come across before since usually I will be home for Christmas and New Year. It was also an epiphany for me as it is my first time realising that the Three Wise Men did not see baby Jesus in Christmas night! The Three Wise Men are always part of Christmas story so I always had the idea that the shepherds and the magis saw baby Jesus on Christmas night. It actually took the Three Wise Men a long journey to find baby Jesus. In fact, considering that Herod's order to kill the babies under 2 years old, perhaps the Three Wise Men found Jesus when he was between 1-2 years old.

This really changes my perspective on their story and journey. It was not just a simple 'following the star' for one night. Did they continue walking at day time when stars were invisible? Did they have to wait and only could continue their journey when the star is visible. Yet they persevered and reached their destination. This is a mirror of my own faith life especially during most of the times when I feel lost, alone, useless, and all the negative things. The question is: can I persevere?

The reflection during Landings session last week was about the stars in my life that lead me to Jesus. I am in the period of feeling spiritual dryness now so it was really difficult for me. In the end I realised that my star is Mother Mary. Even during those period when I skipped Sunday masses and stopped praying, I still carried the rosary rings with me to try to pray on my walks. In addition, I start to attend Novena to the Mother of Perpetual Help since last year. I think I can finally believe the Marian dogmas that we are not praying to Mary but through Mary. I admit that I am often confused to whom I am praying or if I am simply reciting prayers without much thinking when I pray the rosary but now I realise that everything brings me back to God.

Last Friday was a Landings event and I was assigned to be a befriender. I am so bad in speaking to strangers and I think I did a shitty job. I was not aware that there was early MRT closure so I was very lucky that I actually was on the last train that reached Bishan. Woa...

Saturday was another busy day since there was a training session for the upcoming Landings run. I went for 8am Novena, the training at Church of the Our Lady of Perpetual Succour (that was my first time coming here), and then my volunteering session. The busyness allowed me to visit Paya Lebar Quarter for the first time for lunch. Despite the tiredness, it was quite a blessed day. The volunteering session was enjoyable as it was with few others volunteers that I worked with previously and they were quite approachable to work together. I also had a throwback to dispensing in isolation room for chickenpox patients although this time it was in a far corner of the field and I only had to wear mask.

Landings training session makes me realise another divine intervention in my life. I have always thought of volunteering through church or be involved in a ministry but that never came into fruition until Landings. I feel that Landings' spirit fits me and my approach to the faith. When we are promoting for our run, we are not doing a recruitment drive. We are essentially saying that we are ready to welcome those who are ready to return. Essentially we are just the instruments but it is ultimately God who does the calling.

I was so lazy for the session yesterday as it was at OLPS again. If not because of Saturday's training session which made me know how to go to OLPS, I would definitely skip it. I had a hard time listening through Father's European accent but even with the little bit that I learnt from yesterday, I did not regret going.

The talk was about Sacrament of Reconciliation. It is reassuring to hear that God forgives even those sins that I never mention, whether due to deliberate omission (because I am not ready to say or repent yet) or simply due to forgetting (like when I am prepared to say 5 things but somehow during the confession I only manage to say 3). The latter actually really bothers me previously since I always thought "Oh shit, just now I forgot to mention this and that so they were not confessed yet". It is also reminder that even though God is forgiving and merciful, we still need to ask for forgiveness and go for confession. It is the same principle with our fellow human beings. If we fight with someone, we will not know if we have been forgiven if we never even say sorry to the person. Of course not everything is good news. The 'bad news' is sacraments are not tickets to heaven.

Christmas season officially ends on Sunday so I no longer have any excuse not to continue with gym. I will slowly get into the habit since my more important goal is not to injure myself. I am more worried with controlling my diet as it has been very difficult to stick to my red dragonfruit for dinner. Nowadays I only eat it twice a week while I eat rubbish for the rest of the days. No wonder I am already back to 66kg. Sianz..

The night market at Bishan MRT is suprisingly still going on. I thought it would be just for Christmas and New Year. Now it seems that it is going to be all the way until CNY. It has been very difficult to resist as I have been buying the shumai almost everyday :( The only thing stopping me from buying daily is the person behind the counter. I am avoiding the same people as I am quite paiseh if they remember me buying quite frequently. For now, at the very least I have to tahan with bubble tea and potato chips.