Every time I cannot go home for Christmas, it means that my life is shit. The first time this happened was in 2010 because of FYP. This year it happens because of my previous fucking job that made me change job and hence I do not have enough leave yet for this December. So basically, this year is the first time I have to work through the Christmas and New Year period.
Anyway working on Christmas eve was not as bad as expected since my boss was also in a holiday mood. Out of the 4 hours working, we spent 2 hours to discuss things (related to work). Similar to 2010, the only thing I enjoy is when shopkeepers wish me Merry Christmas. I went for the midnight mass yesterday and I think I am too old for that: I felt tired, did not really concentrate for the mass, and was KO-ed until 130pm today. Oh well..
This Christmas is a reminder to re-orientate my faith. There is so much hoo hah about Disney Christmas decoration in Orchard. I joked with a friend that I will choose Disney over religion if I have to. It looks like that I follow the correct religion and I feel relieved after reading the Archbishop comments about this topic. Commercialisation and secularisation of Christmas are undeniable but as Christians, we are reminded not to lose Christ from Christmas. Without Christ, Christmas is just another festivity and public holiday. Honestly, this is also the same sentiment I have. I do not see anything offensive if non-believers want to celebrate Christmas as a festivity and I think that it is better than no celebration at all. We never know if it will make some non-believers to be curious about the real Christmas. In fact, I will find it offensive and a desecration if they put real Christian elements (like Jesus, the cross, Mother Mary, etc) for decorations. So yeah, my Catholic faith and my liking for Disney can still go hand in hand. Lol.
As part of desire to re-orientate my faith, I am interested in a retreat in January and in joining Landings programme for next year but I am still hesitating. That is not surprising as it is not the first time (and nor will it be the last time) that the Devil will pull me away every time I want to move closer to God. I never had a chance for a retreat in my previous job as I had to work on alternate Saturdays. The chance has finally come and I would like to discern with what I want to do with my life. I keep saying that I want to die since I am satisfied with my life and I have no more life goals. I may not be happy but I am not chasing happiness either so basically I just do not know what I want to do with my life. For Landings, I have been in and out of church repeatedly and this is the second time I feel the desire to join. A part of me is telling me that since now I am back to attending mass, I have returned and is no longer returning so maybe I don't need to attend Landings anymore. That is exactly the same excuse I had previously. Now I am planning to skim through my blog for reality check to find out how frequent and previous reasons for being in and out of church for the past few years. I hope I can do it tomorrow to realise how messed up my life and faith have been and it is time to really make a change.
Meanwhile, Merry Christmas and God bless :) I am not so merry as I am still tired after midnight mass yesterday but I am grateful that my landlord cooked and offered me to eat his Mee Siam for lunch. At least I did not need to go out today. Haha.. Now back to emoing of having to work tomorrow T_T
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