A&E

Yesterday was my second time in one month or so of having flashes of light in my eyes. Usually sudden flashes of light warrants a visit to A&E as it may indicate retinal detachment. I had it around one month ago on my right eye when I was eating breakfast. I thought it was just due to lack of sleep since I just woke up at 5am to go to office. I did consider going to A&E but decided not to when the flashes stopped after I took a shower. It happened again yesterday and I tried to reason that perhaps I overexerted at gym. Although it also stopped on its own, it was on the left eye and it was wider field of vision.

I made the right decision to get the A&E referral from WhiteCoat and hence everything was covered by my company insurance policy today. I went to Mount Elizabeth Novena A&E since I planned to use my private insurance if indeed I had retinal detachment and needed surgery. Going via A&E also meant the hospital could arrange the appointment with an eye specialist immediately. Otherwise, I would not know which specialist is suitable or if they even allow a walk in booking at such a short notice.

There was no other patient when I arrived in A&E at around 8am. The triage nurse did not waste time to do the usual BP and temperature check and quickly arranged for appointment with eye specialist after I told her my symptoms. My appointment was at 930am and the doctor only arrived at 1020am -_- The doctor went to check twice: through the device and then without the device, to confirm that my retina is ok. Fiuh.. thank God again... On one side, I am relieved and grateful that nothing happens and no surgery is needed. On the other side, it means I will continue living with all these floaters and worry whenever I get the flashes of light again. Oh well.. nothing can be done naturally about these floaters or risk of retinal detachment so I can only pray and surrender everything to God.

I considered of going to lunch time Mass at Novena after my lunch but I decided not to take the risk. It was still 45 minutes away while my eyes were still under the effect of pupil dilators. I think I made the right decision since I reached home within 45 minutes haha.. Anway, the A&E visit did not stop me from going for the ID appointment earlier lol.

Four years ago I went for a similar check up alone so I was not worried about doing it again alone today. However, it was my first A&E experience alone.

Not a sin?

I have never attended the confession 15-30 minutes before Mass. Yet I know I want to have a confession before I do my altar server duty next Saturday. Since it is not time for Advent Penitential Service yet, I decided to go at Novena Church since they have confessions on Saturdays i.e. not only before Mass. My choice is between today and next week. In other words, between the risk of sinning again for another week and not going at all if I am lazy next week. I chose the lesser of the two evils.

I was worried that I would not make it in time. I reached almost 930am and there were 5 people in the queue while there were only two priests. Luckily the queue moved pretty fast. I am surprised that Father told me that wishing and praying to die because life sucks is not really a sin (?). Rather, he advised me to find a counsellor or a spiritual director to help me navigate my feelings. I don't mind having a spiritual director but to find from where sia? I don't need a counsellor since I know the shit I am going through and it is not with the world but with God :( 

The more shocking thing was when he asked me what I was going to do about it since it is something that I have been fighting for a long time. I don't know, man.. If I know how to overcome it, I would also like to be happy and haiz... Anyway the best part for me is actually the penance. Father only asked me to spend more time with Jesus and to pray. For me, that really gels with what he said to figure out and navigate my feelings. Though unfortunately, I am not able to replicate what I experienced during the retreat even when I repeated the same steps. I feel like I am talking to myself. But what other options do I have other than to persevere in prayer although more often than not, I feel that I am alone and only talking to myself.

Executed

I went to execute the OTP this morning. The law firm is at Clarke Quay Central and I was quite amazed to realise that the last time I went there was before COVID. I reached 20 minutes early and I decided to grab something from Donki since I did not have my breakfast yet. I had takoyaki with pumpkin mayo for $5.90. Its original price is $6.90 which is $1 more than the normal takoyaki and honestly I could not tell any special with the pumpkin mayo to justify the extra $1.

It was my first time dealing with lawyer and law firm, and all expectations were shattered. Haha... Because my friend (who is also my agent) was late, we reached about 10 minutes late than our appointment time. Yet we still had to wait for more than 15 minutes for the lawyer who was not warm, engaging, friendly and other similar adjectives. In short, not someone I will choose as a lawyer if I have the option. The worst part was a staff called me after I left to ask me to return. She said I had not signed the OTP when I was sure I already did so and I was even given the photocopy version. Luckily 1 minute after the call ended, she called me again to inform that she found the OTP -_-" So unprofessional. 

The whole process took slightly less than half an hour. It could have been shorter if I was not so noob with my new phone. The lawyer did not know I already secured a bank loan offer. Since I already have it, he asked me to send it so that I could also sign the forms pertaining to the bank. Luckily I had a copy in my email 'sent' folder since I originally saved it in my office laptop and I sent it to my own email so that I could save a copy in my personal laptop. The thing that took me so long was to figure out how to find and attach that pdf for me to send the email to the law firm.

After that I followed my friend for lunch at Hong Lim Food Centre since he was craving for the famous curry chicken noodle. Since I am not a foodie, I find nothing special. I also never try any curry chicken noodle to compare. Normally I will avoid because I do not want to risk stomachache because of the curry and I do not like white chicken because of childhood trauma. Nevertheless, I have to give it for their white chicken: tender and did not make gag.

The best learning from today is knowing the Thomson-East Coast MRT Line (TEL) better. I only knew it until Orchard so this morning I actually transferred to red line at Orchard, alight at Dhoby Ghaut to change to purple line to finally reach Clarke Quay. That is the pre-TEL aka pre-COVID route. I should have taken TEL all the way to Outram Park and change to purple line there. Lol.

With the OTP execution, there is no more turning back for me and Sophia Hills will be my new home in few weeks time. I am lying if I say I never regret about not having the opportunity to check out the most recent listing at Thomson V Two which I discovered few days ago. Nevertheless, I think it is indeed God's plan for this Sophia Hills. It is seems impossible for the dates to be mere coincidence. The seller agreed to my offer on Mother Mary's birthday (8 September) and the OTP is signed today (13 October) which again is related to Mother Mary with her final apparition at Fatima on 13 October 1917.

I certainly never plan it this way since I was given a 3-week duration for the OTP i.e. the last day is 22 October. Two weeks ago, the seller requested if I could execute before 15 October, which is 2 months before the unit handover, since he needed 2 months for his mortgage redemption. It is not a problem for me since I have the funds ready. My friend happened to be travelling to Korea and only returned on Wednesday evening. Yesterday was not possible since I only go to office on Thursdays so I have to give face a bit. Hence, today is the only possible day since tomorrow is already the weekend.

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Mother Mary! I know none of these is possible without Your grace and blessings. Forgive my ungratefulness and activate your Spirit within me to overcome the temptations to be ungrateful, envious, angry and thinking of all the "what ifs". May You continue Your blessings so that everything will be smooth to the end.

Samsung A34 5G

I am a procrastinator when it comes to backing up and transferring data across devices. Despite the sunken power button of my Huawei Nova 3i, I was still delaying to start using my new Samsung A34 5G. The last straw was when it was impossible to press the button to lock and unlock the screen. At least I learnt that there are ways to lock and unlock the screen without using the power button. I will be using this method for my new phone so hopefully it will not have this sunken power button issue.

On Friday, I started to download necessary apps in the new phone and backed up my contacts. I transferred all photos yesterday morning and I finally started using the new phone today. The transfer was not as bad or disastrous as I thought. I only lost all the Whatsapp conversations. This noobie ended up transferring the new/blank Whatsapp in the new phone to overwrite the records in the old phone instead of the other way around. Lol.

Otherwise, this has been quite a downer weekend for me. It is unfortunately that new round of war began in Israel yesterday. I will be very disappointed if my plan to go for a Holy Land pilgrimage this November must be cancelled. I have been stressed over this since March for the visa. I even plan the timing of my property purchase around the visa application since I need to maintain a clean record for the bank statement which I will use as one of the required documents. The irony is that last week I still worried about late application since the ticket has not been issued yet and now I worry if the trip can still proceed. The good thing is that full refund will be possible since the ticket has not been issued. Too bad I already bought travel insurance last week so that is $100 wasted if the trip is cancelled. At the end of the day, it is all God's call that I was interested to visit Holy Land to begin with. So if the whole thing is called off, it is His will and plan too.

Premier shiet

Bank is only good when it comes to sucking money. The response and onboarding process were so quick after I registered my interest to join OCBC Premier Banking a few months ago. It is a complete opposite with everything that happens after that. My RM never even once contacted me to say hi lol. What an irony considering UOB and DBS called me in the past to offer insurance and investment products even though I did not have as much money as now.

Today was my first time (yay?) using the premier banking service to get a cashier's order for the 4% to execute the OTP. There was nothing premium about the whole experience. Before going down, I tried to get a queue number from the mobile app and I was told that there was no queue and I could just come down. When I reached, I was told that there were about 3 people ahead of me and I had to wait for about 30 minutes.

Part of the perks of premier banking is to have a waiting lounge with free drinks. Too bad the staff in-charge of the refreshment could not even be bothered. I sat at the bartop counter (because the other tables were lounge coffee tables which were troublesome to fill in banking form) and she did not even offer me any drinks. No wonder got people complained her as what she shared with another customer. Since I wanted to maintain my intermittent fast, I only asked for a cold water.

The staff was also very 'judgy'. I wore my usual t-shirt and bermuda so perhaps I did not look like their usual premier banking customer profile: smartly dressed or older uncles. When the teller was ready, the staff who tried to locate me asked the staff at the refreshment counter where was the "xiao di". Hahaha.. While I was happy that it was a testimony that I still looked young despite my increasing grey hair, it was quite unprofessional leh..

The teller who did the cashier's order for me was another typical grumpy auntie. There was nothing more professional than those tellers downstairs. It seems that the only edge of premier banking is to be able to sit down at a more atas lounge while waiting instead of standing in a queue.

I am considering to apply for OCBC Premier Voyage Card to pay for my stamp duties but I want to make sure that I can earn points and that I can make such a huge transaction. Another perk of premier banking that I cannot deny is shorter wait for the hotline. I learnt that I would not be able to ask for temporary increase of credit limit (apparently only situations such as wedding, hospitalisation and funeral can be considered) but I could pay the credit card with the stamp duty amount first. Unfortunately the hotline person seemed to be just a customer service officer and did not address my interest about applying for the card.

I actually already registered my interest in both 'Contact Us' forms for Premier Banking as well as the Voyage Card but noone contacted me so far despite the 'we will contact you within 1 working day', after submitting the form. The RM chat in the mobile app was not working for the past few days. Somehow it worked just now when I decided to email my RM and wanted to check the email address in the app. Let's see if I got any response on Monday.

In conclusion, nothing is premium about this whole premier banking shit. I suppose my housing loan application went smoothly few days simply because my friend knew the banker and I was giving the bank business, nothing to do with me being premier banking status. I also cannot tell if the 3.1% rate I get is just normal or slightly better. Oh well...

Inner Healing

I just came back from the retreat "At the Feet of the Good Shepherd". I thank God that the retreat was worth 'sacrificing' instead of flying to Jakarta to be at home for additional two days. It was very nice that some parishioners offered carpooling since the old Major Seminary at Punggol is very ulu. It was my first time there and at least I got to experience staying in a seminary hahaha... I was a bit bothered with the room which was not swept and mopped after someone else stayed there. Other than that, the room reminded me of the old days of staying at CJC Hostel. In fact, I think the seminary is better since each room has attached bathroom.

It was also my first time experiencing a silent retreat. I did not really have an issue of surrendering my handphone but I was quite ambivalent about keeping quiet. The good side was that I did not have to make small talk to get to know other people and it kept the whole retreat atmosphere rather than a social event. Ironically, I still think it is quite a bummer not being able to get to know other parishioners since this retreat was after all organised by the parish for the parish ministries.

Honestly I was quite skeptical about the whole inner healing thingy and I am happy to be proven wrong. One of the Bible verses shared at the start of the session is Romans 9:17 which says "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing". This verse perfectly summarises all the shit I am feeling inside. I know I should not be angry, unforgiving, envious and ungrateful but I just cannot get rid of them, even when I pray for it. So I am not wrong to feel that only God can help me to get rid of these and it is not something that I can do on my own.

Sacrament of Reconciliation was the first step of healing to remove sins from blocking the healing. It was my most embarrassing confession because I had no cheat sheet for the Act of Contrition. I had to tell the priest that I could not remember and I repeated after him. I was also not in my best state that I did not really catch how many decades of Rosary for my penance and I was too embarrassed to clarify. Hence, I decided to do a full Rosary which was definitely more than enough.

The inner healing session was rather.. I don't know how to describe. As physical representation, we were told to pair up so that we could take turns to experience being someone asking forgiveness from others and being someone to be forgiving. As a sign of forgiveness, we were supposed to hug each other.  I found it weird that we were told to pair up with someone we did not know. I decided to bo chup and just pair up with my ministry leader who was the only person I knew. We shared each other's faith and life stories from our Landings experience so we did not feel there was anything that would make us embarrassed. I am glad that I did not pair up with a stranger because I think it would be VERY awkward to hug a stranger twice. Hahaha...

Perhaps the recommendation to pair up with a stranger is in case we have actual bad blood with  fellow ministry members. Heng I have none with my leader. It is quite funny looking back because I never even hugged my dad that long. I also felt a bit paiseh since after the whole thing ended, I saw other pairs ended their hugs already. I could not help but think if others would think weirdly that my pair was so comfortable with the hug. Haha...

The healing session continued with the priest and some who have the gift of healing to pray over us individually. I had the priest praying over me. I did not think anything extraordinary happened to me but this was my second experience to know that the Holy Spirit is real. The first was during my baptism. I wanted to link to my post on baptism but I realised that I was more engrossed with the gifts back then and did not share how I suddenly felt very hot and restless while queueing for my turn to get baptised. It felt as if God asked me for a final confirmation that I still wanted to get baptised since it was still not too late to turn back if I changed my mind. I knew it was the Holy Spirit because the church was actually cold. The hot feeling was unnatural since it came and went away inexplicably: it was there as I was queueing and disappeared after I was baptised.

What I felt yesterday was different: I felt that my body was hollow except for having four quadrants and the two left quadrants felt lighter and brighter than the right two. I did not know what that supposed to mean but it was something I never experienced before. I also did not feel sleepy despite 2.5 hours in low light condition and plenty of closing eyes moments, a stark contrast to the whole day prior to this session when I was constantly feeling sleepy.

Another interesting experience was having my doubts of whether my parents loved me being answered. I sort of having a vision that my parents were happy to have a son. I remembered that my childhood was happy, even if my parents were rather stingy with money. As a kid, I never even felt angry that I had to walk or take public transport or wait for dad's car for tuition. Just that somehow things changed after I came to Singapore and I did not really have a lot of time or memories with my parents anymore.

I realised that God provided me sufficient grace in my life so far. Even at times when I lack or feel insufficient with physical needs, God gives me sufficient grace to remain happy or not to feel that I am lacking. All the ungratefulness is not because I am truly miserable or lacking but it is because I always compare with the "what if"s and "things can be better". My past has happened and I cannot change it. Thus it really depends on whether I am at peace with it because of all God's provisions or I am angry with it because God or others could have given me better. I know that I was at peace before my dad's passing and everything turned opposite only after I realised how much things could be better. It is all the work of the Devil to torment with past wounds and past sins.

While I do not get a physical healing for my eyes that I wish for, God has healed my heart. As of now, all the bitterness, anger, unhappiness and ungratefulness from all the "what if"s have dissipated. I am more worried about how to deal with them if such feelings come again in the future. Though I suppose next time going for Sacrament of Reconciliation can be my weapon against them. In addition, I am better equipped now to recognise when all these come back to attack as indeed I experienced about 90% of the listed signs of inner rawness from inner wounds such as irritability, little or no tolerance, having feelings of always rising up, urges to retaliate, sensitive, hard to forgive, hard to feel loved, irrational expectations of others, perfectionism, anger towards God and others, self-hate, feeling of hopelessness and escapism.

Now I believe that this healing thing is true because some people did experience and testify for their physical healings. The most powerful was someone who had ear injury when he was a boy that his left ear was medically diagnosed with only 15% hearing capacity. After being prayed over, suddenly he heard that everything was 'very loud' and he could finally experience stereo hearing.

Today was also my first time to experience a session with a Spiritual Director. The conversation reinforces that all my ungratefulness, bitterness, anger and "what if"s are all nonsense. I was asked if I could change anything in my life, what would I change? I said nothing :( Although I am bitter about coming and having to stay in Singapore, I honestly do not dare to change it if it would mean that I would not get baptised. I cannot imagine how my life will be if not for God's providence so far. The conversation also helps to filter that perhaps what I am missing the most in my life is a home. Let's see what happen when I finally move to my condo.

I also see the problem with my prayer and relationship with God. It seems that I have been trying to force God to decide between single vs married vs celibate for me. I am also too focused on what I must do (and hence my prayer is about asking God to just tell me what He wants me to do so that at least I can be happy to do His will) and that may not be what God wants from me. At the end of the session, I was asked to close my eyes and imagine if I were to meet Jesus and tell Him everything I shared to the Spiritual Director, what would Jesus say? Jesus actually did not say anything and I was just happy to be able to hug him and lay my head on his lap while telling Him what I felt.

Perhaps that is a sign that what I want is being closer to Him and not necessarily about Him telling me things to do. I have been avoiding having quiet times because I am too bothered if I do not hear anything or if I hear the correct voice etc. My prayers, my devotions and my Mass also tend to be done out of obligations, my promises or my expectations that doing so would help me getting closer to God. Indeed I know my one-way of communication with God is a problem and yet I have not tried to overcome it.

I was the first group to go for the spiritual direction and spent the rest of the time with Adoration while waiting for others to go for their spiritual direction. I tried to pray and recite Rosary but I ended up falling asleep. Hehe not a surprise considering I did not sleep well yesterday night. I somehow kept getting up every one hour or so.

That brings me to the final topic of this post which is about the retreat place. It was my first time at St Francis Xavier Old Seminary. Since it was a silent retreat, everyone was assigned to sleep alone and each room comes with attached bathroom. I had no problem since the room atmosphere reminds me of my CJC Hostel days haha.. The room feels bigger since the bed is bunkbed. Perhaps bunkbed was the reason why I kept waking up since I never sleep with 'something' blocking the ceiling. The shower is modern but the toilet is still rather ancient. Not complaining since it is already a toilet bowl and not a squatting toilet. My only complaint about the room is that it was uncleaned. There was long hair on the floor which I am sure was the previous person who slept in this room.

After the retreat, I declined my ministry leader's invitation to have dinner to share our experience. I would love to but I have to pack for my flight tomorrow wor...

Laughter is a gift

I participated at Novena Outreach for my church ministry yesterday. Initially I was worried if I could get out of my comfort zone because approaching strangers is something an introvert like me will naturally do. Not to mention that this is for church stuff and the last time I did this was before COVID. Thank God I managed to get out of my comfort zone. In fact, I felt that the discomfort made me focus on God and it was a sacrifice on my part to do God's work. That feels better than doing something I can comfortably do which will usually be a fertile ground for pride to come in and I will lose the sense of doing God's work.

I did two slots (10am-12pm and 12pm-2pm) just to make wearing and washing the Landings t-shirt a bit more worthwhile hahaha.. The best gift for me is looking at myself in the photos because I can honestly say that my diet has shown success and I am happy to see how thin and not round my face has become. I feel like I am back to my older days. 'Older' in the sense of the year but younger in terms of age. Haha.. My jeans were slipping bad quite badly, which proves that my waist circumference has dropped too, that for the first time in my life I am thinking that I should buy a new pair with smaller size.

I did not do 4pm-6pm slot but I am very happy to hear that the crowd was good. I was worried because I was the one who asked the coordinator to consider not ending at 4pm as the original plan. I usually attend 4pm Novena and I know it is more crowded than 12pm and 2pm. And based on the previous weeks, the priest would still be introducing the group who was doing the outreach for that day and encouraged the congregation to check out the booth. So it would be funny if the priest said that and there was already no booth. Actually I did not really care but the coordinator said to add another slot due to 'my intel'. Alamak it became as if it was my idea haha... Well, God, I have done my part.

Today is the first time I broke me streak of 5x weekly for gym. I decided to give my body an extra day to recover. I even decided not to go for my usual 7am Mass although I woke up on time. I was contemplating if I should go for gym at 10am and then 5pm Mass after the pilgrimage preparatory session. In the end,  I skipped gym for 930am Mass and I went for 5pm Mass again because two other persons who were sharing the car with me were attending the 5pm Mass. I did not mind going again since I would only sleep if I went home anyway.

It is kind of amazing that I went for Novena 2x yesterday (I followed the 10am and 12pm Novena from the TV outside the church during the outreach) and Mass 2x despite feeling angry and having toxic relationship with God. I started to dread going for the pilgrimage preparatory session because I rather sleeping or playing game. Ironically, I could feel God's encouragement through the people I interacted with.

When I was sharing about how I am currently feeling that my relationship is very toxic with God, an auntie who shared the same sentiment remarked that the way I described it was very cute. During the fellowship, an uncle said he missed hearing my laughter. He finds my laughter as genuine and joyful. I told him that my laughter is just a facade and not representative of what I am feeling inside. He said that everyone is stressed with life but not many can still laugh the way I do.

They are not the first people who told me that. It made me reflect that perhaps indeed it is really a gift from God that I take for granted: to be able to laugh, spread joy and have a positive and welcoming disposition despite all the brokenness I am feeling inside. Of course the sinister side of me says when prayer and complaining cannot help, what else I can do other than to laugh at all the shit in my life and get on with life. If my brokenness can bring joy to others, have I not done enough for me to be eternally happy with you, dear God?

This also coincides with today's readings about treasure and Solomon's wish. I think I have given up everything for God. I did not pursue a girl a few years ago because she is not a Catholic. Now I am stressed about buying a condo because I want to be near a church so that location and laziness will not become a source for to start skipping Mass again. Haiz.. I can easily find an affordable condo if I do not care about proximity to church. I know this sounds fucked up but I keep saying I want to die because I realise my treasure is to be in heaven with God and nothing in the world is worth living for anymore in exchange of early death. A question posed today is what would I wish for if like Solomon, God will grant me something I ask for. My answer will still remain to be with Him in heaven right here right now. If God still wants me to be alive, at least tell me what He wants me to do with my life and I will do it because there is nothing I desire anymore.

Scary calories

It seems that I am lighter in the morning because my weighing machine hit 59 kg this morning! Yay. Though I am now 60 kg, I am happy that there is still chance for me to go under 60 kg to eventually reach my 53-55 kg goal. I already blew it away by celebrating with an ice yuan yang.

The temptations do not end there. With 3 Kettle for $11+ promo is still on going until 2 Aug, Cold Storage adds 2 Ruffles for $8.80 promo too. Gosh! What stopped me in the end was the realisation of how much calories these junk food contain. A bag of these 140g+ potato chips contains almost 800 kcal while a bottle of my favourite mocha drink has slightly more than 300 kcal. Compare that to 200 kcal for 2 bananas for dinner, it is not a surprise how I manage to pile up so much weight.

The temptations are getting worse because I am even looking at alternatives now. At the top of the list is sour cream Calbee. After resisting Cold Storage earlier, I decided to buy at mamashop near my place but God saved me. The mamashop currently only has the hot and spicy flavour which I do not like. Heng ah!

Nevertheless, I have accept that my weight loss is slowing down. I was 61 kg at the start of July and it is impossible to reach my 58 kg goal by month end which is only 3 days away. Haiz. But something positive comes from me blogging this. I finally learn the difference between Calorie (with capital C) vs calorie vs kcal (kilocalorie). The one with capital C is actually the same as kcal. There goes my confusion because kcal is supposed to be 1000 cal. It is just a matter of big or small C.

Toxic relationship with God

I can finally empathise with the elder brother of the prodigal son in the parable. I feel that I have been doing everything to follow the will of the Father but He never seems to give me what I want. I do not wish for a party or a fattened calf. I just wish to go home but He does not allow it. He only wants me to live and labour. I am just being provided with daily needs enough to go on but no place to rest, no happiness, no friends, no meaning.

My planned roommate for pilgrimage finally receives the job offer and is allowed to take leave for the pilgrimage. I am happy for him but I am jealous at the same time because God grants his wish while my prayers are unanswered. I am also still worrying over my visa, which is pointless to worry for now since the application period is not even here yet. I informed my friend to arrange for house viewing in August and then I realise the one I am eyeing for has increased the listing price by 10%. Haiz.. Looks like I have to start looking at 1-room around my area. Alternatively, my only choice for 2-room which I can afford is Gem Residences at Toa Payoh. Again, my anger to God is misplaced since it is not November yet, the deadline I set to stop 'waiting' and just select a unit to buy.

Honestly, I do not even feel like praying to stop myself from being a hypocrite. "May it be done according to Your will" is just a lip service since praying means asking and I will be disappointed/angry/frustrated when it is His Will, but not My will.

Today I did not go to gym. I was lazy to fulfil my promise to attend daily Mass when I skip gym since last week I already skipped once because of tiredness and currently I feel that my relationship with God is toxic. God only wants me to accept His will while I am angry if He does not grant what I ask. The worst part is the distant feeling despite my attempt to connect. I feel like chasing someone who is not interested in me. If God is a human, I will already walk away from this toxic relationship.

Somehow God gave me the perseverance and resilience to resist temptation. He definitely wanted me me to listen the homily when the priest said: the people who like to complain are usually hard to die. Oh shit oh shit! No wonder I am still alive.

FUG

The title is not meant to be a pun. It is an abbreviation of what I am feeling right now: F U God. My ballot for CER failed yesterday. I am disappointed, angry and upset about that. It makes me a hypocrite when I pray "May Your will be done". The whole 'it is not God's time yet for you to attend' and 'others may need the retreat more than you' are bullshit to me since I totally had no idea about CER at all until when a priest told me. If it was not God's plan for me than I don't know what. So what was the point of giving me the message to attend this retreat if it was not His plan for  me to attend now?

Attending the ballot was such a waste of time. I cannot understand why the organiser cannot just do it automatically and inform whether the applicants are successful. Why did they have to waste the time of more than 420 people to attend the ballot physically? This is not Sheng Shiong lucky draw or something. I was not as pissed as wasting time since usually I would be doing my volunteering shift on Saturday morning anyway. What makes me really angry is all the stress and prayers for the past few months for this retreat only not to be able to go.  Seriously what the FUG.

Ironically or surprisingly, I still went to Novena yesterday and Mass this morning despite my sentiment. The Gospel today is about the wheat vs darnel. Perhaps God wants to remind me to be patient with this plan. Wheat and darnel look very similar in early stage and hence they can only be differentiated after they mature. I may be feeling very angry about my ballot failure but perhaps He has something else planned for me. Maybe I have to be somewhere else during the reatreat dates? Or maybe I will get spiritual enlightenment before the retreat dates that I do not need the retreat anymore? Or maybe He will call me to heaven by then? For now my self-consolation is that my thought that I am done with living and hope to die and be in heaven ASAP is not wrong that I need the retreat to change my mind. In other words, I have God's approval.

My diet this week was derailed by social gatherings. First was with my Landings group from the COVID run. It was my first time trying Hokkaido-Ya as well as Kith Cafe. I tried the white curry udon since I never come across it previously. I don't think there is anything unique, special or memorable about it though. Hahaha... Kith Cafe is surprisingly not as bad as I thought lol. It does not really make want to visit again though since I am past all these cafe stuff with my loose stools after cold milky drinks nowadays.

Yesterday was dinner at my aunt's place to commemorate the second dad anniversary of my uncle. Someone brought Thai fried banana and fried yam which were the most memorable food from the night. They are unique since the batter is different from the usual Chinese or Malay fried banana/yam. Unfortunately the batter for the fried yam was so tough that it was painful to bite and chew. The batter was so thick that it felt more like eating dough than eating yam. The banana was the less ripe type so they had texture instead of the usual soggy type.

The important lesson learnt from these two sessions is that my stomach has shrunk to the point that even having normal dinner makes my stomach uncomfortably full even when I go to bed. Haiz.. And yet why am I still not losing weight :(

Yesterday I carried my cousin's 7-month-old boy and that was my first time ever carrying an infant. It was our first time seeing each other so I found it really cute that he did not cry and he comfortably snuggled. I think I was even more anxious than him. But nope, that experience did not trigger any sense of fatherhood in me hahaha... I still prefer to die young or even now if possible. I am not interested in bringing an innocent life into the world which I myself want to avoid.

I was tempted to check out Uniqlo again to buy what I decided not to buy last Sunday. In the end, I managed to resist by thinking that National Day is coming so there may be sale. Haiz.. but I really currently I have enough clothes that I do not need to buy any. However, I decided to get clothes hanger from Daiso but from Thomson Plaza which meant that I did not go to Orchard today. Hehe...