Miser

I am getting lazy to blog anything recently as I realise my life is getting monotonous and I will just end up rambling about the same things all over again. My mind is all about money, food, and not losing weight. All are inter-related and each takes turn to drive me crazy in varying degrees.

It looks very possible to keep my total spending for meals to below $200 this month. I do not have specific purpose for achieving this goal but this drives me to be a miserable miser this week. After every meals, I would calculate whether I would exceed and how much I could save for the weekends when usually I spend a bit more because the hawker center is not open. I was even upset with Grab hiding their 25% off for self pick-up promo today. There are ongoing 15% and 25% but somehow the 25% is not appearing unless I manually key in. The code is supposed to be active since last Saturday. The ridiculous thing is that the 10% difference is only equal to less than $1.50 of what I could have saved. Why am I so upset just over $1.50.

I failed to abstain from potato chips for the rest of this month with 2 packs of Doritos over the weekend. As usual, I regretted buying although that means I would not be tempted for Doritos anymore. At this point, I know only Kettles and Ruffles are worth buying for me but I will only buy when they are below $4 per bag. Even with this realisation, I am always tempted to get miscellaneous brands even though I know I would regret later on. Really addiction problem.

I do not know when I have the willpower to start my home exercises again. Haiz.. Despite the relatively strict diet control, I cannot lose further weight. I cannot cut my food even further as now I am only eating 1 meal for lunch and 2 bananas for dinner. I need to supplement it with physical activity already.

Haiz... see... I am just repeating all these things all over again. Perhaps to encourage myself, I should be proud that I was able to avoid 1-for-1 offer for Popeye's and Xing Fu Tang last week. Honestly in the past week, almost everyday I already put something in the Grab or Deliveroo cart but in the end I managed to restrain myself and just closed the app.

Wiped out

I am tired of trying to find a clinic where I still can register and get Sinovac. Out of the few I contacted last week, only one replied with no stock and currently not opening any more registration. I registered with another two clinic this week and both said officially no more Sinovac registration is accepted for first dose people due to stock. I am being redirected to Sinopharm registration which may be available in September. My stress evaporated since due to stock issues, it is no longer my fault for not getting vaccinated. Furthermore, I already told my boss about this so anytime my office allows people to return, I will just have to excuse myself. Thank goodness my gym allows me to wait until I settle my vaccination and give me the remaining 1.5 months membership that I still have.

One thing went down but another surfaced. I rarely removed my phone from the protective holder but somehow I did that on Wednesday to clean the dust. The back cover was coming off which was due to the battery being bloated. Thank goodness I was able to secure a slot at Huawei repair centre for the following day and I was able to settle my photos. Here comes the ridiculous part. Just because nowadays we cannot remove phone back cover to change battery ourselves, this has to be done at  the service centre. Changing battery should be something simple but I was told that it would take around two hours. The worst part was that the whole phone had to be wiped out. Seriously what the fuck. I just need the battery to be replaced and I do not need the operating system to be touched but they said it is the law bla bla bla.

I had to waste time walking around for those two hours. I could not even eat dinner thanks to the vaccination discrimination. The best place to spend time was at Kinokuniya but my attention span is greatly shortened now that I could not stay still just to read a book. I tried to browse some Japanese learning text book and I got dizzy after reading the introduction in a Kanji learning book. about onyomi (Chinese pronounciation) and kunyomi (Japanese pronounciation). I realised that I have forgotten much of what I learnt from my Nihongo classes few years back. Bleah... At least my friend recommended me Duolingo app so that I still can brush up.

The blessing in disguise from the two hours of standing around and walking aimlessly while waiting for my phone is that when COVID is over, I better practice shopping around before I travel overseas again. My legs are so painful and I cannot imagine how I can survive a day at Disneyland from opening to closing time. And I know just doing that for a day is not enough as usually I spend a minimum of two days. Haha.. In short, after 1.5 years of just rotting at home, my body will not be ready for overseas trip anymore. That also reminds me that I already stopped even exercising at home since the last round of gym closure. Haiz.. that means all my physical fitness is also gone.

I felt like an idiot after I realised that there is a back up option in the phone. I should have done that instead of just transferring the photos. So all the newly saved numbers since I changed to this new phone are all gone now. Haha... I am getting lazy to save numbers since it is easy to see who the numbers belong to in Whatsapp. I guess I can enjoy my peaceful and antisocial life even more now. Hehe... If someone needs me for something then I will eventually get the number again.

Sayonara Olympics 2020

2021 is like a year that does not exist. It was Euro 2020 earlier this year followed with the Olympics 2020. Despite being held this year, both events retain the 2020 as they were slated for last year and were delayed because of the pandemic. With the Olympics coming to a close tonight, the news will all be about COVID and vaccination again. And yep, the COVID is still 2019. Poor 2021.

In my previous post last week, I doubted if Indonesia could win any badminton gold so I was very happy to hear that the Women's Doubles won gold on the following day. Unfortunately I did not get to watch and join in the excitement as the match was in the afternoon and I was still working. Other than the badminton matches I caught two weeks ago, I only watched the final for Men 10m diving yesterday. Only after that I realised that I can actually stream meWATCH via laptop. That is goodbye to the app in the iPad. Haha...

As I am watching the closing ceremony right now, I cannot feeling sad about how cruel this pandemic has been. It reminds me of attending the closing ceremony of SEA Games 2015 and I imagined how more amazing this Olympics could have been if not because of COVID. To see the empty stadium and the quiet around the stadium is really heart-breaking. It must be quite sad for the athletes too as not everyone can attend the closing ceremony due to COVID precautions and they have to fly back few days after their last participating event. I also feel nostalgic when I see their landyards. I saw the landyards in Asian Games 2018 in Jakarta and it seems that despite they are all different Games, the design of the landyards is similar. Aaah.. I wonder if I am ever be able to experience this kind of involvement again. Nevertheless, I can only treasure the memories of SEA Games and Paragames 2015.

I am feeling miserable this weekend because of all the upcoming vaccination discrimination measures. Thank goodness at least Sinovac would be recognised now so I have pre-registered with a few clinics and now it is just waiting on when I can get a slot. I am not an anti-vaxxer but I am really skeptical about COVID vaccines which I think is just as useless as the annual flu vaccines. To me, what is the point of vaccination which cannot prevent disease. All the compulsory childhood vaccinations are effective to prevent those infections (e.g. TB, polio, DPT, hepatitis) and they are not just to reduce the risks bla bla bla. I know it is not compulsory for COVID but all the measures are as good as forcing everyone. Anyway since I have to do it to get the vaccinated status and all are quite shitty in terms of the efficacy, I choose the more traditional vaccine to minimise unknown risk with the newer mRNA technology and so far only Sinovac is available here.

On the bright side, it makes me hopeful of the possibility of travelling again. It is quite pathetic but I felt somewhat happy just simply of checking on how to renew my passport and about application for multiple entry to Japan. Haiz.. I wonder when life will be back to normal.

Too much screen

Olympics have begun but there seems to be no free screening that I can find in Youtube. I read that the opening ceremony included theme songs from games during the athletes' parade. I was curious but only managed to find snippets of certain countries from some random channels.

While waiting at my aunt's house on Monday, I was watching a badminton match of Loh Kean Yew. I learnt from my cousin that I could download meWATCH to catch Mediacorp screening since I do not have TV. Of course this means watching only whatever Mediacorp is showing instead of able to choose what sports I am interested in. Oh well, I managed to catch Jonatan Christie vs Loh Kean Yew match on Wednesday. It was a thrilling match but unfortunately it was because a close match, rather than an exciting match. There was too much of net play instead of cool rallies and smashes. It has been a very long time since I watched a live badminton match and in which I am rooting for someone to win. While Jonatan won this match, sadly he lost the next match in the round of 16. Looks like Indonesia is not able to win any badminton gold medals in this Olympics. Anyway I think this Olympics is quite a sad affair with empty audience stands. Without the shouts and screams from the supporters, it does not feel like a grand sporting events.

Earlier this week, the Thai TV channel where I usually follow the dramas was hacked. Because of that, all their recommended videos were changed to an anime channel Ani-One Asia. They recommend me Backflip!! and RE-MAIN which are animes about rhythmic gymnastics and water polo, respectively. I am sure Youtube algorithm is able to detect my interest in anime (for the Prince of Tennis songs I listen) and my recent searches for Olympics stuff to come up with that recommendations. I finished watching Backflip!! (yes there are 2 !!) which already completed airing but I am yet to start RE-MAIN (yes it is stylised with all capital letters) which is still airing and only at episode 4.

Genshin Impact just released the latest update with new region (Inazuma). I am not speed running but I have been spending more time playing this week as it is exciting again to explore new places and new story. At the same time, Mihoyo also released a new game called Tears of Themis this week. It is an otome card game so I am sure I will run out of interest soon. However for now, I still find it fresh and somehow the gacha seems much more generous than Genshin. It says a guaranteed SSR card every 100 pulls but I have been getting one for every 10-20 pulls. Usually a new game tends to be more generous. Anyway the main pull factor for me to try this game is the settings about law and crime investigations. The otome and the card game part are just like any other such games.

Haiz... this is why I am still feeling very tired despite having enough sleep this week. Too much screen time and not enough rest for the eyes. One huge thing that I am thankful of today is that I was able to attend mass. The rain was super heavy and windy this morning. Even if I took a bus, I would still be drenched under the umbrella while walking from the bus stop. Since I was already outside the house before it started raining, I decided to take 410W and if the rain did not stop, I would just go to Junction 8 to do my grocery shopping. God heard my prayer and the rain became light for a while when the bus was near the church. Thus I was able to walk from the bus stop to the church without getting drenched. Yay! 

Farewell, Godpa

My father passed away last year and this year I lost an uncle who has been a father figure for me while I am in Singapore. I am alone here and the only person with familial tie is my aunt who is now my godmother. I have been calling him as uncle and only when I visited him earlier this year during his hospitalisation, my godma told me that I should tell people that he is my godfather instead of my uncle. I am glad that I was able to visit him twice this year at the hospital. I visited him at home once after he was discharged but I did not manage to see him as he was napping then. Unfortunately, I was not able to visit in his last hospitalisation due to COVID restrictions.

I went to the wake on Friday and stayed for the whole day. I initially wanted to leave around dinner time but my godma asked me to stay. My godma only has 2 nieces and me as relatives here as the rest of our family in Indonesia could not come. My 2 cousins are already mothers so I am the only one without commitment and stayed on to accompany her. Her daughter is stuck in Australia and could not fly back. I know how it felt not able to fly back for father's funeral as it happened to me last year. I looked at this as perhaps God's way to allow me to experience something which I could not do to my own father and family last year.

Due to COVID restrictions, only 20 people were allowed at any time at the wake. That was the reason for me to choose Friday. Anyway I still have plenty of annual leave to clear so I might as well take leave to attend on Friday and leave the weekends for others to attend. I took leave again yesterday for the funeral mass followed with the cremation. It was my first time going to Mandai and I am impressed. It looks even more amazing than the crematorium in Jakarta which I thought was already very atas. I also learn that here we collect the ashes on the following day. From my previous experience in Jakarta, we usually wait for ~2 hours and then we will collect the bones which will then be ground to the ashes.

I helped with some readings during the Mass. Thanks to COVID, mic sharing was not allowed so I ended up having to read the first reading, psalm, second reading and general intercessions. With only 20 attendants, everyone was helping in one way or another. Honestly I was very self-conscious with my readings and my accent. I was so useless with other things so helping to read was the only thing that I could do. I am happy that they said my reading was alright and my accent was not too bad. At the same time, I cannot help to think perhaps it was just a pleasantry. Anyway whatever it is, I know it is wrong to be self-centered and thinking about myself. I should actually feel honoured and privileged to read in a Mass considering how sinful and unworthy I am.

Farewell, Godpa/Uncle. I will always remember and treasure my first encounter with you in 2003. Although we had not met before and you would not know how I looked like, you waited for me at the carpark when I went to your house for the very first time to store my barang-barang as I had to move hostel from secondary school to JC. I worried about how I would be able to identify you or your block since it was my first time visiting. It turned out that I had nothing to worry about as you approached me first when you saw me unloading my boxes from the taxi. I also remember how you carried my heaviest box which contained my textbooks and files while I was pushing the rest on a trolley. Back then, there was no lift directly to your floor so we still had to carry the things manually for one floor. You also helped me similarly when subsequently I had to move to my new hostel.

At times when I visited and my aunt was not home yet, it was never awkward to talk to you although technically we are not related by blood. Thank you for allowing me to have a home-like and family-like experience every time I visit. That really means a lot to me considering my actual state of homelessness and being all by myself here. I pray that you are no longer in pain and are happy in Heaven now. I even visualise that my dad would also welcome you and thank you for everything you did for me.

Cranky

The exchange of stopping junk food for Genshin Impact BP is working very well. After I bought BP, I became cranky and of course succumbed to getting potato chips again not to 1 but to 3 bags. Sigh.. I am upset because my weight does not seem to be dropping despite only eating one proper meal daily, cutting of all the junk food as well as sweet drinks at lunch. I do not mind the 'suffering' if I can see any benefits. I know maybe I am too impatient since it is just barely 2 weeks.

Addiction is scary. When I deprive myself, I get cranky and crave for my potato chips. Yet after fulfilling my cravings, I always end up feeling sad and regret which is not worth the 10-15 minutes of the joyful eating. Initially I was thinking of resuming my sweet drinks again as I do not feel sadness or regret as compared to potato chips. Ironically I read an article about sugar content and after checking the amount of sugar in each bottle, it becomes very easy to decide that I will stop the sweet drinks. Hahaha... Occasional treat during the weekends may be okay but I am definitely not tempted to have one bottle daily anymore. After all sugar is the number 1 enemy vs losing weight.

After all these food denial, the next thing that drives me crazy is: what is the point of living if I cannot enjoy my life? I cannot seem to lose weight despite eating only one proper meal so how would I able to squeeze in sinful food as one pleasure in life. I am not really a foodie but during this COVID time, there is nothing else that can really make me happy. Gaming does not give me as much joy as when I was younger and I am getting bored of watching dramas. My sleep time and slack time are often ruined by the fucking maid in the house. Bleah...

The only obvious benefit from restraining myself from all the junk food and food delivery is the money saved. Then again, what is the point of earning money if only to keep them in the bank? Having said that, the dividends for my POSB Invest Saver came in this week. Upon checking how much I have, I am considering to withdraw all and re-use that amount for investment with my financial consultant. The capital I have put in is not growing and it has been almost 6 years since I started. Based on the dividends alone, POSB Invest Saver gives around 3% return annually while the investment with my financial consultant is giving me about 10% per year. Of course 3% is better than normal deposit insurance and I do not regret because previously I cannot fork out a lump sum for the investment product. Now that I have enough for the lump sum, naturally I am inclined for the one with higher return. Aiya... see la.. thinking about money also makes me cranky.

Unsung Cinderella: Midori, The Hospital Pharmacist

Synopsis:

Midori Aoi is a passionate hospital pharmacist who goes the extra mile for her patients by understanding their lives in order to empower them with regards to their own medications and medical conditions.

My opinion:

Yep, my synopsis is just a sentence as this dorama basically depicts the daily life of a hospital pharmacist. As a drama, it is boring. Each episode follows the same formula and it is just a matter of different patients, diseases, medications as well various lifestyles or patients' circumstances which may affect their treatment. There is hardly an overarching plot and the supposedly climax of the drama with Seno's cancer treatment is so abruptly weird between episode 10 and the last episode 11. Character development is almost non-existent. Ironically, character development happens with the side characters namely Aihara (the newly practising pharmacist) and Onozuka (the jaded pharmacist who eventually rediscovers his passion). Of course, I may be biased because I am a pharmacist myself and thus I feel like watching my daily life on screen rather than watching a fictional series.

This dorama successfully covers many aspects of pharmacy: training, prescription intervention, packing and dispensing, medication error, narcotics/controlled drug audit, rude patients, rude doctors, nice patients, nice doctors, team-based care, different perception between retail vs hospital pharmacist, drug interactions, home care, waiting time, perpetually understaffed and very busy pharmacy, night shift, clinical trial, different types of pharmacists, robots, and many more.

Most of them are depicted quite realistically. However, I do have some criticisms. First is the imbalance between the nice and rude patients/doctors. Almost all the doctors and the patients here are rude but in reality the proportion of nice vs rude is not as imbalanced as what this dorama shows. Second is the unrealistically positive pharmacy environment. This will not happen in real life given the understaffing situation. They are also missing the slackers, the backstabbers and the MC fakers among the staff to add to the drama. Haha..

Nevertheless, I think they have done the best with what is available because unfortunately, most parts of pharmacy life is indeed boring. I mean how dramatic can we dramatise about reviewing prescriptions, packing drugs and dispensing which form majority of pharmacists' tasks. 

My afterthoughts:

Pharmacists are usually depicted in bad light in media e.g. misusing drugs from crimes so Unsung Cinderella is really a unique gem. Not only it does not put pharmacists in bad light, this is the first medical series which focuses on pharmacists. Usually medical series will have doctors as the main character. This dorama portrays the roles of pharmacists and life in a pharmacy quite realistically. It does not exaggerate the roles of pharmacists just because they are the main focus of the series. Those who find that the roles of pharmacists here being exaggerated are those who think that all pharmacists do is packing medicines. Yes, even helping to transfer patients in the emergency room is something that all medical professional can perform in a team-based care settings provided they are trained for it. Thus it is not an exaggeration.

After watching this, I conclude that pharmacy and pharmacist life is generally the same everywhere. Although I am heartened to watch this, it still does not inspire me to return to front line. Hehe.. I will just keep those memories in my heart.

By the way, the promotional image seems to be done much earlier before the shooting because the first guy from the left is not in the dorama. Haha.. I am not sure if that is meant to be Onozuka but he does not look like that in the actual dorama. Lastly, I am quite amazed that this is the first J-drama I watched and I posted in more than 4 years! Wew... My last one was for Tokyo DOGS in January 2017.

Pride vs Sensibility

My bad mood continues this week and was worsened by mid-year review. It got me to the point of thinking that I should resign to show my boss for real if my contribution is significant or not. I have to remind myself that no job is perfect and whether at least the current flexibility and work-life balance are good enough to trump all the bad sides. Bosses everywhere area also the same. They only know to point out things which are not done or not completed yet but never appreciate what has been completed. They never see if I have to complete those things criticised 'not done' then those done would be the ones not completed. Anyway what irk me the most is that even if I do things, the credits go to others but when KPIs are not met then it becomes my problem.

I was emo until Thursday night to the point that I was angry and could not concentrate for prayer. I told God that I would just be reciting for that day just to fulfill my daily promise instead of properly praying as I was really not in the mood. Surprise surprise.. My mood was sort of back to normal on Friday. I do not know what happened. Was it God's miracle? Or my mood swing simply just ended.

I am happy that I managed to get a Mass booking for today. I woke up at 515am and it was still drizzling. I hesitated so hard to just sleep since usually I tell myself that I will skip if it is raining. It had been raining since last night so I told myself that perhaps the rain would already stop in an hour time. It did not but miraculously I finished all my morning routines by 630am. Thus I could take the bus and if the rain was still heavy, at least I only needed my umbrella from the bus stop. It was really a blessing for me because now the Mass is at the main church even for the 50 people Mass. Now they are starting few timeslots for 250 people Mass for those who have been vaccinated so might as well hold all the Masses at the main church. Hehe..

I have been very patient and tolerant but this week I finally complained to my landlady about the fucking maid. She cooked I don't know what shit until the whole house was smelly on Thursday. I cannot understand how she can eat such food when they smell really like a rubbish bin. The landlord was also not happy about it so when my landlady asked me about it on Friday, I basically ranted. I don't mind her cooking but the problem is her food is always fucking pungent. When she cooks, I cannot even go to the toilet or throw rubbish. Just for that short exposure, my clothes would already stink. Plus she cooks for few hours and not as if it is for my landlord and landlady. She is also lazy about cleaning the kitchen after using. It is as if she is treating the whole house as her house. I even have to adjust my laundry schedule according to her because she will wash and leave her laundry hanging for few days or she will cook and make the clothes smell. The fridge is 3/4 full of her stuff. Although I do not use the fridge and the kitchen, it is just irritating to have her so inconsiderate. What if I actually also like to cook?

My landlady falling down is like a daily affair now. I tell myself that I treat her as my mum so I don't mind helping her. But now I am slowly getting irritated although I know that is not the right thing to feel. I am not irritated with having to help her but I am more irritated because she cannot even control the maid. Please lah. I am not your maid or caregiver and I am helping is already a very good thing. At least you help me to control the fucking maid. Plus if I am not working from home or staying at home most of the time, who would help her when she falls? Sigh.. I really feel being taken for granted. At the same time, I am also worried if I get kicked out. Haiz... Sad life of being a hobo.

Moving on to the happy things, I am quite lucky with Genshin Impact this week. I won my 50/50 and got Kazuha. 30 pulls later I got Jean which means my next 5 star will be guaranteed. Although I did not get any Rosario, I am quite happy to stop until the next version. Despite still being underbuilt, Kazuha helped me to clear Spiral Abyss for the very first time. Hohoho.. I even got full stars for level 10 and 11 this round even though I did not manage to get full stars in the previous cycle.

Thanks to the in-game good luck streak, I am reconsidering if I really should skip the BP this patch. Hehe.. I have been telling myself to skip this round to wean off my addiction as it is a waste of time to spend money on gacha. Realising that I usually mindlessly spend on food, I decide that if I can avoid fast food, junk food, sweet drinks, bubble tea and food delivery until near the end of this patch, I will buy the BP.  If I am able to cut down on these, I would save more than the $15 I intend to spend for the BP and hopefully can cut down my addiction on these fattening stuff as well. I survived the first weekend so lets see if I can tahan for another 2 weekends. Huhuhu,

Sensitive

I am not sure what is happening with me this week. I am irritated with every little things that happen in my life. Even things which are supposedly good still end up upsetting me. Let me start with diet which goes out of the window this week. After having McD BTS meal on Tuesday, I had KFC Triple Down on Friday. I am not even interested in Double Down anymore so I don't know why I was so eager to try Triple Down. Definitely it is for the sake of novelty and yet I could not resist. My bubble tea woes last week has been replaced with potato chips this week. Yep... 4 cups of bubble tea was replaced with 4 bags of potato chips.

At the start of the June, I gave up about hitting $500 spending. Thanks to the indiscriminate spending on all the junk food in these past two weeks, I was at $440 yesterday so getting $50 interest for this month is still within reach. I was so stressed thinking of what I should spend on last night. I managed to remain sane and not to take risk with in game purchase for Genshin Impact since I do not know when Apple will bill me. Thank goodness I decided to replenish my eye supplement as my current stock will only last for a month or so. At least I am not wasting money since it is just a matter of time for me to replenish. I remained emo after ordering because I realised that I was missing an item from my previous order. There was no invoice or list of items in the box so I only relied on memory when I was checking the package two weeks ago. I only noticed yesterday after seeing the purchase history online. I don't know if two weeks is too late and I still sent an enquiry. It is just a $1 soap (discounted price) and is not a big deal but yet I was so worked up about that. Jeez...

I reactivated my gym membership on Tuesday but only overcome my laziness by Thursday. It is now required to still keep the mask on during the warm up and I find it uncomfortable and lame. Lucky I suspended for the past 3 weeks when the gym only offered mask on exercises. Seriously no matter how low the intensity, an exercise is an exercise and it is really difficult to have the mask on. There was pull up which means I still have to rest for the past 2 days since I still can feel the muscle soreness. I hope tomorrow I am good to exercise again. One good thing is that it seems that many are still not comfortable to return to gym yet and the competition to book slots is not as bad as usual.

Vaccination discrimination is slowly ramping up. I am not an anti-vaxxer but everything is about risk vs benefit. I am not comfortable with mRNA technology. Two weeks ago I was sort of decided to get vaccination and bam! the news about pericarditis risk in young men appeared. Today I saw the news that FDA has added warning of pericarditis and myocarditis. I heard my sister's friend died two days after receiving Astra Zeneca so even the non-mRNA is not that safe either. Bleah.. I am even thinking of Sinovac despite the poorer efficacy if this whole vaccination discrimination becomes more pervasive. There is news of the prospect of Novavax before the year end and now I am inclined for this. Hopefully there is nothing bad about this. The funny thing is that I am worrying so much about this when it is not even my turn yet to register, even if I want the mRNA vaccines. Lol. Perhaps the most ridiculous thing is that if they allow vaccinated people to be mask-free, then I don't care about the side effect risk already. Haha... That benefit is enough for me.

I finished watching a Thai drama titled Happy Birthday. Ironically, it is not exactly a happy affair as it tackles suicide theme. My goodness.. I thought nothing could beat 1 Litre of Tears but I cried even at the supposedly normal or not sad scenes. I could not even finish the last episode in one sitting. The last episode ran for more than 2 hours and my eyes were sore from all the tears. After experiencing the death of my father, I think now I know that death is still sadder than sickness.

Watching this reminded me that suicide is never caused by one person or one factor. It is always everything goes wrong before a person decides that even death is better than such life. A more sinister thought is that suicide is the sweetest revenge as the people left behind will be affected and may not ever overcome the guilt. I am not gonna lie that if I am not a Catholic, I would already be dead now. The only thing that keeps my passive suicidal self to become active is the knowledge that I will definitely go to hell if I kill myself.

Dear God. Everyday I pray for the strength and grace to defend myself from all these evil thoughts. In the past, my demon was mainly with my homelessness. With the death of my father, there goes all my dream: to eventually have a house here which my parents can treat as their holiday home when they already retire. I am grateful that this is just an unrealised dream rather than a regret. Still, it makes my life feel even more useless. Sigh.. scratch my first line. Dear God, I pray that you call me to your presence instead because living is too painful for me, even with Your grace :( I am tired.

BTS McD

Finally BTS Meal from McDonald's arrived here since Monday. As expected, I did not manage to order it on Monday. In Grab, my nearest McD was listed as closed or out of delivery area for the whole Monday.  Hehe.. I decided to forgo the free tea time delivery just for the sake of trying this asap and I managed to order it on Tuesday. I am not a BTS fan so I really tried this just out of FOMO. Lol. The cajun sauce is normal while the sweet chili sauce is meh. The drink cannot be changed and the worst part is I did not find the meal filling at all even after the additional blueberry cheesepie that I ordered on top of this BTS meal.

Did not take photo of the fries since it did not have the special purple packaging

This week has been atrocious for me so far. I was planning to return to gym yesterday but I felt very sleepy so I skipped. I told myself to finish my cup noodle stock last night so that I ran out of food tonight and I had no excuse to skip today. I ended up with stomachache today, overate and overdrank  with lunch delivery and hence ended up skipping gym again today. Haiz... It is really difficult to overcome the inertia.

I hope my willpower is strong enough to overcome the inertia (aka laziness) tomorrow. Based on previous experience, I know once I start going gym again I would actually enjoy it.