Depressing period

The stressful period of the year has finally comes again. Last year I was damn depressed during this time. This year, I just recovered from my depression. Although I think I am on way to another one.

First bad news is regarding the PR2101 Lab Reports. Holy crap!! No A!! Fantastic!! Argh dammit!! Okay... I shall say no more about it. I don't want to put too much vulgarities here.

Second is chinese. Putting grades aside, I just find that I really suck in it. All my effort to learn it is quite useless. Haiz... I seriously don't understand what is going on during my tutorial and I hardly can compose any sentence. Oh gosh... I was surprised (and blessed at the same time) that my mid-term is surprisingly much better than what I expected. Haha... There is still no chance to get an A- though. So no matter what I would S/U it.

Yay yay yay!! Chinese performance was over. Not gonna talk about it. This semester is mad!! I could not believe it that I had shame myself 2x by singing in public. Oh no... No more please... My singing just sucks. My chinese show-and-tell is on week 13. Praise the Lord!! I have more time to write what crap I intend on saying. Lol... There is a lab test next week. I must do my best to salvage my PR2101... And that starts NOW!!! A CA is on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

History

6 years ago, on this very day, a cute 15 year-old boy was forcefully exiled against his will by his parents to a country far far away. His parents promised him a bright future and better life there. A claim which he has proven to be false.

First year: 28/10/2002 - 27/10/2003
English was a problem although it was not as grave as PE. I learnt the bitter pill called "failure". After a wrong choice of CCA, I also learnt to believe in his judgement and follow his own ways, not others'. Then came SARS period which provided the much needed break. The additional 1 week break was a blessing. I could celebrate his birthday at home. Social life was barely there. Classmates were hostile towards foreigners and fellow hostelites were no more than fake companions. Lucky that the hostel mistress was very nice and motherly. This period ended with a great distress with the putting up of braces (after 2 very painful teeth extraction, inclusive 1 that took 30minutes and the dentist needed a rest) and the failure to be the top student just by margin of 2 points.

Second year: 28/10/2003 - 27/10/2004
There was a great surge in my spiritual life here. I attended weekly masses because I was playing organ for some masses. In fact, I could still remember the very first mass when I played. It was the All Saints' Day mass (as well as to welcome the new batch of scholars). Social life improved tremendously as classmates were getting warmer. Hostel life slightly improved. It was my first experience to be a mascot in one of the hostel games. Lol. I got a triple digit (100) for my A-maths although my History and Higher Malay were going downhill. Thank goodness my English improved (really thankful for my tutor) and that secured me a place in the top JC in the east. And one day, a miracle occured. Suddenly I managed to do 1 pull-up with no training. My classmates were all in disbelief that I could do 1. Lol.

Third year: 28/10/2004 - 27/10/2005
Mugging for O levels was an enjoyable time. Thanks to the prelims. Surprisingly, my Higher Malay saved me for the actual O level results. The grade jumped from C5 (in my prelims) to A2. Halleluya... I needed not to transfer JC. JC life was significantly better. My og (half of them) was a great bunch of people. My luck was not that good as my classmates were rather sucky. Oh well... I made few best friends in my CCA: Harmonica :)

Fourth year: 28/10/2005 - 27/10/2006
In JC, I was humbled even further. I was not that smart after all. Haha... But I had to be greatful for my Chemistry Olympiad bronze medal. Oh darn!! I still remembered what mistake I made. I was too impatient and poured in too much solvent for the organic synthesis lab test. I got no powder in the end. Sigh.. I could still recall the lab where it took place. And the written test was in LT 21 before it was renovated. The Harmonica concert was successful and satisfying. Yeah... It was a good year in fact. And I managed to trash my classmates! I proved that they all sucked!! Their strong 'cliqueing' at the start of the JC life crumbled in the end. Yeah... Told them already that their fake friendship would not hold out. Although my performance in JC was a bit outshone by everyone, I am proud that I constantly scored 4As thoughout the 2 years. Hehe... GP is not counted of course.

Fifth year: 28/10/2006 - 27/10/2007
A level result was a shocker. I was forced (again by parents) to look for job during the holidays. I could not get one. When I got one, I was cheated (but lucky I got the payment 1 year after I quitted) and almost brought the whole thing to the court. God did not wish for that and the hearing was delayed until school began so yeah... eventually no court. Lol. Uni life was not as exciting as what I expected. Sucky people were everywhere. I had a great clique mates. Arigatou :) Though initially the guys bitched about me (I know they were jealous cos I was the only guy in my clique... even until now). Too bad for you all who went ragging. Wakaka... Was demoralised by my poor performance in uni. I was even thinking of swapping course. Sigh... Not an exactly a good year.

Sixth year: 28/10/2007 - 27/10/2008

Fantastic!! That's the word. God saved the cute boy! I had the best Christmas present ever. It even saved me for my hostel stay. My sem 1 and sem 2 results were mirror images of each other. In sem 1, I had no confidence and I did surprisingly well. In sem 2, I thought I did okay, the result came out to be shit. Haiz... I had my first best friend, too bad he turned out to be another fake friend. Well... It's okay!! I was baptised (YEAH!!), I went to Sydney (OH YEAH!!), and I went to Bangkok (Ok only :p). Great great great... It was a GaRYat year. Lol... Although CCA, 6 modules, and studies really weighed me down.

Seventh year: 28/10/2008 - ...
Hopefully I will still be alive until next year... The story is being written.

Haha... I received more than one comment that blog entries are too emo and depressing. Haha.. Well, that is why the blog is called darkrose of sorrow. Because it is dark, it is filled with sorrowful things, and I am evil. Ohohohoho....

I promise this entry will be pretty good :) Haha... My projects are all over. And I have free time to breathe and mug. So yeah... I am pretty light-hearted now. Yesterday I managed to finish 1 webcast. Hurray. Another 2 hours to go today. Yeah yeah!! I am positive that I am able to clear it. Hoho..

This morning I attended my friend's confirmation. Wheee... 90 people got confirmed. It had to be a tough job for the Archbishop. Haha... Repeating "Be sealed with the holy spirit" and "Peace be with you" for 90x. Kinda of jealous with them. Well, I was confirmed already. But it was at the same time with my baptism, so everything was kind of overwhelmed by the baptism. Anyway, it is one and the same spirit :) Haha..

Okay, it is just plain weird if I don't complain and write about bad things. Sorry... Haha... My attitude problem is getting worse. It seems that there are more people that I find weird. Haiz... Perhaps I am the weird one. And I am getting weird. Unlikely though, because generally I get along very well with different kinds of people, except for the weird ones. Lol. Perhaps I am evil, anything different or I don't like then that person is weird. Haha... Well, for me there are different grades of weirdness of course.

Grade 1: Weird but tolerable if I have to talk/give face
Grade 2: Weird and untolerable. Don't even feel like talking to them
Grade 3: Weird and hateable. Just go to hell!

Fiuuh... I need more spiritual lessons and emotion control skills. Lol... Don't let these people ruin my day. Perhaps this is why, I prefer being myself (alone). Haha... But surprisingly, I think I have grown to be someone better and more patient. Few years back, I would just 'spat' on these people. Sigh... I want to go back to what I used to be :)

Okay... Time to webcast... and I still need to memorise Jay Chou's song for my chinese project on wednesday -_-"

No more SP :)

Yay Yay Yay!!! Poster presentation was done today!! No more SP. That was fantastic!! 1 more burden has been gotten rid. Hehe...

Let me say a bit about my presentation today. Hoho... I guess I need milk. I had no milk for this week and my egestion is affected. Lol. This morning I went to do big business 2x. Was it because of no milk? Or was it because of the impending doom to speak in public (14 people actually)? Haha.. Anyway... I was nervous today. All my rehearsals last night were useless. For a few times, I could feel my legs shaking and my voice trembling. Lucky people said that it was not obvious. On top of that, I did not smile (I think I did not smile), I spoke pretty fast, and I had problem with putting equal weight on both legs. Everytime I saw the teacher wrote something or when I saw the camera, I immediately felt worse. Gosh... I shall see how the recording goes. Well.. it may boost my presentation confidence. Otherwise, I shall take it as something to improve on. Hoho...

Isn't it a very good looking poster? Hoho... Great job from my group mates. I enjoyed working with them. Hoho... We organised things well until people had no more question to ask. Someone said that we planned who answered the Q&A very well too. Hoho... Nice one :)

Well... It is time to buck up now. I have tonnes of school work to do. Hang on there :) This semester will quickly come to an end. Yeah :)

Unexpected

My plans for this whole week are totally ruined. Firstly was my plan to apply visa on Monday. Before going, I withdrew money as I was short of cash, and paid my phone bill. I was so bloody damn shocked when I lost about $1.4k. Holy shit! I quickly went to have my bank book printed. And my worst dream came true. The money was gone for hostel stay. That means there was no increment for my allowance, even after my 2 e-mails. This is just plain dumb! $2000 for a semester and >$1400 is used up on for accomodation. Put in the vacation stay and that means I only had about $300 per semester. F%@*!! It's just plain dumb! That $300 is only enough to cover my meals for 1 single bloody month only. Damn it! Now I cannot go shopping as if it rains money every month. Gosh... Last time in secondary school and JC, I had $200 per month. I could shop without guilt. Now I can no longer do that! Everything I spend is my parents' money now. Sigh... There is really nothing to sustain me... To keep me going on... So yah... even I suffer from the economic recession.

It's less than a week to 28 October. Yes! It's a bloody celebration of my landing to this island 6 years ago. It is not a joyful occasion of course, although every year I will treat myself on this 'special' day. This year is the worst year so far. I never feel this regretful and angry for what has happened to my life. How the heck I can end up here? Life sucks, school sucks, social life sucks, now finance also sucks. What do I have here? I just sold the last 6 years of my life to the devil... And what do I get here? Nothing!! I am losing stuff.. My youthfulness, my cheerfulness, my future, my sense of direction of my life... Everything.

Before I ramble on and on about my cursed life, let's get back on track. Since my plan for visa application on Monday was cancelled, I decided to go this morning. Yeah it failed again. I slept too late last night. I had a group discussion on what to sing for chinese performance. I had no energy this morning. And it was not a bad thing of not going because there was a last minute work to be done regarding SP poster.

I spent the whole day mugging chinese (for the first time in this sem that I found the quiz was doable) although I decided to skip the lecture for extra sleep time. I guess that is the only good thing that happened to me so far this week. Everything else was failure. I failed to finish my UV lab report today. The lecture notes are confusing and I am confused. Sigh... I planned to finish that today so that tomorrow I can focus on my speech. Too bad.. I think I need to look for a book to read tomorrow. So I used the remaining time to type half (or a third?) of what I am going to say during oral which is on this friday. I am ill prepared. And I have no confidence. My english sucks and my presentation skills suck too. I have no problem spewing nonsense but this one I have to act formal and speak in a very good England. Sigh.. I just hope that I don't throw face. That will suffice.

At least that signals the end of SP agony. Yay yay yay!! Out of one hell, another hell is waiting next week. I have no idea how I am going to remember a chinese song in 3 days time -_-! And there is a CA next week T_T. Plus another bad news that next wednesday, pr2101 lab reports will be returned and there will be practical test in the following week. How great!! That will just ruin my days even more. I hate to see my results. It adds on stress and burden. I prefer just to see my grades (in December) and that's it! In addtion, I have a chinese oral in 2 weeks time. I have no idea what to bring for the show-and-tell. I have to write another essay to say and remember. Sigh... Life sucks.. It really sucks... Just when I think that my life cannot get worse, it keeps getting worse...

More inspiration

Have you ever watched birds when they are faced with adverse circumstances? They spend day after day weaving their nest, sometimes with materials brought from distant places. And when it is almost ready and they are prepared to lay eggs, actions of weathers, and human beings, or other animals destroy the nest which is built with so much care, effort, and love. What do the birds do? Stop and give up? Not at all!! They start and start over again, until the first eggs are laid in the nest. Many times, just before the chicks are born, an animal, a child, or a storm once again destroys the nest, but now with its precious contents. It hurts starting from zero. But in spite of it all, the birds never hush or give up. They carry on singing and building, building and singing. Are you tired of starting over and over again? The struggle of everyday life, the betrayed trust, the failed dream, the broken promises, the unreached goals, when you are almost getting there? Have you ever felt that your life, your work, your family, your friends are not what you dream of? Do you feel like saying: "That's enough, it is not worth the effort, this is too much for me!"?". Even if life hurts you again and again , do not give up! Pray and put your hopes in front of you and go forward! Do not worry if you get scarred in the process, it is something you can expect. Collect all the bits and pieces of your broken hopes and dreams together, and go forward again. It does not matter how many obstacles you have to overcome. Do not lose courage. Trust God and keep on going in faith. Life is a constant challengem but it is worth to accept it. And above all... like the birds... KEEP ON SINGING

If only I can be like those birds...

Heh, and below is quite interesting :)
Who is Jesus? He IS Jesus. Who IS HE??
In chemistry, he turned water into wine.
In biology, he was born without normal conception.
In physics, he defied the Law of Gravity when he ascended into heaven.
In economics, he disproved the Law of Diminishing Return by feeding 5000 men with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread.
In medicine, he cured the sick and the blind without administering a single dose of drug.

He had no servants, yet people called Him Master.
He had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
He had no medicine, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.


The conclusion: I AM STILL DEPRESSED T_T

Inspiration

I am not planning to blog today but today the pastor did an excellent homily. He gave a lot of analogies which are worth remembering. So I shall eternalise these stories here. Haha..

Story 1
Once there was a pastor who brought 4 bottles at the start of his sermon. Bottle 1 was filled with worms and alcohol. Bottle 2 had worms with cigarette. Bottle 3 had worms in liquid chocolate. Bottle 4 had worms and soil. At the end of his sermon, he pointed out that the worms in bottle 1,2,3 were dead, but not those in bottle 4. He asked the congregation what the meaning of this. Then one frail lady raised up her hand and said "Drink alcohol, smoke, and eat chocolate so that you don't have worms in your body."

I did not really get the message behind the story. So I shall take it as a joke. Haha...

Okay, let's be more serious.

Story 2
In America, once someone sent this editorial to the newspaper: "I have been going to church for 30 years. I have heard about 32000 homilies but there is nothing I can remember. I think I should stop going to church as I get nothing from it. The priests should stop preaching too as there is no use". This letter created a furore for few weeks until someone wrote: "I have been married to my wife for 30 years. I have eaten about 32000 of her meals but I cannot recall the food served for any single meal. But I am sure that whether I remember what I eat or not, her food has sustained me. Otherwise, I will be dead now".

Good isn't it?

The gospel today is about "Give caesar what belongs to caesar and give God what belongs to Him". It never occured to me to interpret 'what belongs to God' in a way that I heard it today. Just like the coin which bears caesar's head, we are God's currency. We are made according to His image, and even more, He resides within us. We are just like money, no matter how crumpled, how dirty, how old it is, a $50 note still worth $50. No matter how sinful, how sad, how useless we may feel, we still worth the same in God's eyes. Hence by giving God what belongs to Him, we are expected to give ourselves. The currency is not love, compassion, patience, etc. It is ourselves, our time, our actions.

Gosh.. I guess I am really depressed. That's why I feel so touched by these kind of stories today. Haha... One last story is from my e-mail.

SCARS OF LIFE

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could. Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.'

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

~We ask for silver and God sometimes sends his denials wrapped in gold~

SP sucks. Haiz... I looked at the poster until 230am on Thursday night (which actually was already Friday morning). That made me waste all my Saturday sleeping away. My sleep debt may not only due to SP. Too many things sucked my energy and enthusiasm. I slept for a total more than 14 hours today. I had numerous nightmares (SP essay needs to be redone, having a celebrity friend,

I am really glad there will be no more lab next week. But still, there are a lot of things to do. There are 2 lab reports (and I only finished one), Pharmacostats CA (which I have not read at all), more SP (I don't know what it will be), Pharmacostats stupid lab test (I don't know how to prepare), Chinese quiz (I have only read 20 out of 50 characters that will be tested), my econs webcast for last week, econs tutorials for both last and ths week. Gosh!! And oh great, I have to skip econs lecture for yep meeting on monday. That makes me owe 2 webcast lectures :(

Haiz.. talking about yep... I have to honestly say that my passion for it has finally died. Haiz... I just feel lonely and do not belong to the group. I sense no team bonding whatsoever. Oh well... I don't know how I am going to survive. Sigh..

CCAs are becoming chore to me... No more excitement and motivation. The people suck.

Yah... basically I feel lonely.. Don't know it's because I am tired or what.. Maybe I am just weird. And I am really alone. Well, I survived JC days alone so I should be able to manage this time too. I guess it's time to repair my prayer life. It's ironic that I have been neglected The One who is always faithful to me. And it's sad that I always feel lonely... I have forgot that I have the best friend in this world :) If only He will just talk and stop bullshitting "I speak through the people around you... your friends". I don't have any worldly friends so I cannot hear Your voice through these non-existant entity called friends. Please make Your voice more audible.. even if it is in my heart.

Psalm 121:5 - The LORD watches over you. The LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night

Chinese Class

Wednesday is the day for me to rant my frustration after my chinese class. Today's mid-term was as horrendous as what I expected. I could not understand like 50% of the paper -_-. So many funny words that I never used before. I really don't know. Haiz... I hope can get S la!!

The tutorial was better this week. I was not as lost as usually. However, I was still lost!! Haiz.. There were some interesting things though. Firstly was 老师 said my face is 和气. Lol. She said I always smile in the class. I am very friendly and therefore people like to talk to me, ask me question, and are not scared of me. Haha... If only she knows, I am almost laughing all the time during the class because I hardly understand what is going on. It is the laugh and smile of desperation. Haha... Secondly, the teacher heard me and my friend are studying FARMER instead of PHARMACY. Lol.. Then she started to say things like we learn how to plant stuff etc. I did not really understand but from her action, I could roughly tell. Then we asked what "X X" means. (X X are the 2 words she used to say the farming). Then we were all laughing like mad when we corrected her. My friend was laughing until her face turned red. Lol.

The teacher is getting more creative and today she started on asking people to go in front for the rest of the class to question us. Oh gosh... If there were an oral test, I will die for sure. I hardly understand the questions asked. And worse, I don't know how to answer. Haiz... My chinese sucks!! That's the conclusion.

Okay, it's time to flame school now. My chinese quiz last week as bad as expected. Shit!! Just because I made a ultra mega stupid careless mistake. My chinese agony continues as there is a quiz next week. And the performance... Oh my dear God...

I am glad that this week is the last practical week. I hope next week onwards I can buck up with 8week worth of school work. Haiz... I am not very optimal this week. It's all because of last week. Sigh... SP is a total burden. I am glad that I have such understanding group mates. They tried to understand my busyness and attitude because of my chinese test today. Thanks :) I greatly appreciate it. It's chiong time tomorrow. I hope we can finish the dumb poster draft tomorrow as painlessly as possible.

I don't know what to study for prac exam tomorrow T_T... desperate...

Yummy Food

I am going to talk about good and value-for-money food which I already ate for the past few days.

The first is the $3.90 promotional meal at the MegaBytes. I had my dinner there on Friday. It was ridiculously filling. With such price, I got chicken chunks, butter rice (although I could not recognise the butter taste), coleslaw, fries, and soup. That was a lot for $3.90 set meal (as compared to the equally priced Chicken Chop set which includes chicken, mashed potato, soup, and vegetable only). Hehe..

Secondly, I tried the Wasabi Fillet-o-Fish and Wasabi Shaker Fries (or whatever the proper name is) from McDonald's on Sunday afternoon. Lol... Authentic wasabi flavour although I found the salad type of vegetable in the burger did not really go well. The green tea was also surprisingly sweet and tasty. Haha... I never had such a satisfying McDonald's meal. Perhaps my extreme hunger contributed to the increased utility lol.

As Aston's was gone since 2 weeks ago, there is a new western stall at PGP canteen. I intended on trying it today. Surprisingly, the menu changed from what I saw last night. The stall mentioned 'trial operation' so yeah... In the end, I had my dinner at the Gourmet Cafe today. Lol. After 1 year plus staying at PGP, I never tried eating there. Guess what? It is a very good place to eat. I was surprised that the price is actually cheaper as compared to Astons's or the western food stall at the other canteen. The portion was not small too. Plus the ambience, $4.80 for a carbonara spaghetti was a good bargain. The cream was thick. Slurp... Delicious!! Can eat there more often.

So yup... Weight gain is expected haha...

Lastly I would like to thank everyone who has helped me to complete my survey forms. May God repay your kindness :)

I return to my most powerful weapon when I am angry with someone: total ignorance and silence. I do not know whether it hurts more than direct verbal abuse but according to my roomate last time, silence is worse and more irritating. Well... too bad for messing with me.