1-hr confession

Christmas Penitential Rite is just around the corner and I even think of going for confession during the Catholic 200SG Festival. I had no idea why I even bothered thinking about going for confession offered for Landings retreat. If it is God's plan, there is no way to run away. After asking for schedule few days ago, I kept quiet so that I could just let it slide. However, my group facil updated me about the slots yesterday so I could not avoid from replying whether 'Yes' or 'No'. The initial slot I chose had to be cancelled because the priest had to lead a funeral mass. I was so reluctant to switch to the remaining evening slots since I need to wake up at 530am tomorrow to attend 7am Mass. Anyway it was lame to have a Mass as an excuse to skip confession so I agreed to switch to 8pm.

In my heart, I was still thinking about various scenarios and praying that somehow I would not go. What subsequently happened was the total opposite. The priest had to continue with a cremation so he was only available from 830pm. But this time, I was informed not only by my group facil but also by the person liaising with the priest schedule. Ooh la la.. it was even more paiseh to reject two people. Since I saw all the evening slots were empty, I thought I could be the only one. So I used my thoughtfulness by saying if I were the only one for the evening, just cancel mine if the priest had more urgent engagement since I still could go confession nearer to Christmas. That completely failed. Again both of them replied me at the same time 830pm was confirmed.

I had never been to St Francis Xavier Church and it took me 1.25 hours to reach although it does not look very far to where I live in the map. I sort of lost my way in the Serangoon Garden Circus roundabout. According to the website, I only need to walk up the hill from the bus stop. Well I did not see any hill and I could not find the road name sign too. I was expecting the hill to be quite obvious so that at least I could see the cross of the Church. I decided to use the map on the phone and I think it was a miracle that out of all the possible directions I could take at the roundabout, I already chose the correct direction before activating my map. It was around 2-3 bus stops walk but I managed to reach at 833pm. Heng..

By far, today was my most memorable confession. Without realising, I spent almost an hour with the priest. I guess since I was the only one, there was no reason to rush. I think it was 'worth' it for me. Otherwise I spent more than an hour to travel just for a 5-10mins confession. Haha.. I guess it was worth it for the priest too. Otherwise, he opened the hall, switched on the lights and aircon just for 5-10mins is also quite bo liao.

The hardest penance is not saying some prayers or reading some bible verses but confronting the sin directly. My penance was to call my mum which I told the priest not going to happen. He offered an alternative to take a photo with him and the tabernacle and to send it to my mum. Haiz.. I contemplated so hard and I even googled what would happen if I do not do penance after a confession. I found that asking to change penance is okay so that makes me do not feel guilty for refusing the phone call option. I do not want to be transactional about sins/Sacraments/grace/forgiveness and things of that sort. 

Ultimately I asked myself: what is the point for me to for confession if I still do not want to let go of the sins? After all, that is the biggest hypocrisy that always makes me try to avoid confessions: I know I am not ready to let go certain sins (e.g. those involving conflicts or grudges against others) as opposed to I want to although I know I will fail again (e.g. lazy to pray, skip Mass). I am such a shit so I decided that okay I will do it, at least if I get angry and block my mum again, it is the latter scenario. Honestly I find this harder than just the former. By doing that penance, I am basically exposing myself to the opportunity to be hurt again. It is going to be back to square one again: blocking once for all is better for me than to be irritated and to ignore daily. Seriously, God. Why are you making things so difficult for me? Yes just from this penance, I am already back to my biggest sin of not appreciating this gift of life and hope that I will die instead.

God was kind to me as the priest offered to drive me home instead when he heard that it took me more than an hour to travel. He said he might as well drive me and that would only take 15 minutes. I waited for him get changed at the grotto. It was my first time lighting up a candle to put at the grotto. I also took a photo of the Mother Mary statue.

This turns to out to be another reminder of God's presence today. This afternoon I was trying to find The Purpose Driven Life book which I owned. It is one of the first few books I bought since I came to Singapore. I could not remember where I put it and I could not find it. Not sure if I already donated it away or perhaps I kept it in Jakarta. Anyway, I decided to take out The Glories of Mary book to read it again. This is also one book that I bought in my early Singapore days so it has been more than a decade since I read it. When I reached my room, I was shocked to realise how the image on the book cover looks so similar to the Mother Mary statue earlier.

Out of so many styles of Mother Mary statues, seriously what is the odd of seeing two different but yet very similar styles: white veil (no yellow/blue shading, no pattern/coloured lining), visible hair including the central parting, no crown/stars/halo around the head. This also serves as another encouragement for me to just 'suck it up' and do the penance.

Haiz I am scared and not looking forward to tomorrow but I hope my mum will ignore me. Then at least I will not need to fear of being hurt and then repeat the silent treatment or the blocking again. Meanwhile, although these are not penances, I will try what the priest suggested for me to do daily: read the daily Bible reading and to spend 15 minutes in silence with God as a start for me to be able to listen to God's voice better.