Inner turmoil

Earlier this week was the first death anniversary of my father. I did not want to think too much about it and that defense mechanism failed. I still had difficulty sleeping on the night before. The lack of sleep snowballed to the rest of the week and I have been feeling lousy. It did not help that all the negativities resurfaced again. I want to accept my state of life but a part of me cannot avoid blaming my parents. My father is gone and there is no point holding to such thoughts. I do not want to think this way but the thoughts just came and overwhelmed again. Watching the Mass at home live was like pouring salt to my wound. Great! All of you enjoy the nice home and family while I am here left nothing but shit hole.

I felt worse the following day thanks to the fucking maid's cooking. Haiz.. I really want her to be deported soon. I really hate her inconsideration. Fucking smelly food, dirty kitchen, etc. This just fueled my negativity towards my current shit life even more.

It was raining during lunch time, except on Thursday. Thus I took the opportunity to do my groceries shopping as well. My trace together token ran out of battery and that lunch trip upset me even more. I was lucky that I could still scan the QR code on the token to enter Thomson Plaza and Fairprice. However, I noticed that the smaller shops only have the token scanner. I had a Mass booking for today and I did not want to get denied entry. I was upset because if I knew my token was out of battery, I would go to Junction 8 for my groceries and exchange my token. Now I had to arrange for another trip.

It was raining very heavily on Friday noon and I ate the instant noodles I bought on Thursday. It was not really filling and I had to order early dinner before 5pm. Worse, I had minor gastric discomfort either because of eating too little or because of the spiciness of the instant noodles.

I was very surprised and angry at my gym's reopening. While I do not doubt the precautions at the premises, I am not going to risk any exposure at the public transport. I am angry because my email has not been answered. I am left with my final suspension and 28 days left. I am not even sure if this is enough until the COVID situation improves. I feel that they should give an option if people would like to suspend during this period. Not to mention that the supposed extension during the closure in the past 2 weeks is not reflected in my account. With less than 3 months of my membership remaining, I shall not renew until COVID is over if this is how the gym approaches the current situation. So irresponsible.

Yesterday was the only day with bright ray of light penetrating my cloudy mood. That figure of speech is ironic because I was happy yesterday thanks to the cloudy weather. Hehe.. I went to Marymount CC to exchange my token and get my lunch. I thought the CC was not that far but it was 4 bus stops away. I walked home thanks to the lovely weather. I dropped by to Hao mart which is 2 stops away from my place to get some potato chips. Sadly, those become my regrets today. Hahaha.. I was excited to try Samyang brand of chips. It tastes nothing like the super spicy instant noodles. It is not that spicy and weirdly, it has a sweet rather than salty flavour. Bleah.. I also bought Treatz wasabi and cheese flavours because they are on sale and I have never seen these flavours at Fairprice. I did not taste much cheese so I am expecting that wasabi one to suck as well. Haiz.. it is like a slap to my face to remind me to stop all this potato chips addiction. I guess able to exercise 4x in the room is a good start for this week.