Vocation search

The week of dilemma, confusion, uncertainty, and making tough choices has finally come to an end. After fretting over the vocation retreat in the past 2 weeks, I finally decided to just send an email on Monday and I just came back from the retreat.

Landings prepared me for sharing faith stories but sharing about vocation journey is another ball game altogether. Currently I have no complaint with my job as I have my work-life balance and I have time to dedicate for Church activities. I always think that these are all I need and I will be happy. Now that I am experiencing it, I don't find it as happy as I imagined it. While everything is good, I do not feel any sense of fulfillment if I am just going to repeat this way of life everyday until the day I die. Might as well I die sooner and I no need to work altogether. This is the start of seed of doubt if single life is for me. Married life seems to be more distant for me now. Previously I still could imagine my wedding, my family, wanting to have 4 kids and all that. Nowadays I do not have the same 'dreams' and I feel like avoiding marriage if possible. With that, the last option is consecrated life. I am reminded by the retreat I attended this year: if you have never try, you will not know if you will like it or not. So I sign up for the retreat really with an open mind to experience and know more, rather than to make a decision.

I achieve my objectives: I learn the history, the purpose, and the difference between religious congregations vs diocesan priesthood, and more importantly about what this particular congregation does. One good thing is that nothing about this congregation seems to be repelling for me and I am open to learn more. The next part is the scary party. If I really want to learn more, then I need to be an 'aspirant'. In my head, it is scary because it is like I have to commit to something before I am able to find out if this is going to be for me or not. The other attendees noticed how I turned pale and looked so worried about this.

A part of me would like to have a time out to think about it first. Surprisingly I just took the plunge to say: okay I want to know more which is indirectly saying yes I will be an 'aspirant'. Since it is the only way to find out more, there is no other way. I also thought if I were to think about it, it would be the same as doing nothing and I would remain where I am with the question and curiosity if religious life is for me. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I deliberately wanted to 'save' my notebook and use the same one that I used for the retreat I attended early this year. As I was flipping the notes from that retreat, one (forgotten) aspiration that I promised to do from that retreat is: to take active action instead of passively waiting for a loud voice from the Heaven of what God's plan for me is. I do not know what lies ahead but I will just surrender everything to God as I have done what I can.

Moving on the more light-hearted part about the retreat experience, the retreat house is so comfortable and beyond my expectations. I brought slippers for shower expecting a shared bathroom for all but it turned out to be 2 rooms sharing 1 bathroom. I brought pillow as instructed but actually there were more than sufficient pillow. So I was like overpacking.

The only disaster was I did not really sleep last night. The aircon remote in my room did not work so I borrowed from neighbour. The aircon was freaking cold at night and I had no way to turn it off or turn up the temperature. I did not have jacket with me so I woke up after the first hour and tried to sleep in the living room. After an hour there, I started to feel warm and I moved to the cold room again. Just repeat that pattern until the morning. Haiz..

Luckily the retreat programme was very good. It really served its purpose as an introduction without packing the days to the brim. The programme officially ended at 7pm with dinner on Saturday and we had an evening walk to ECP. It was nostalgic to pass by V Hall although currently the outside is a big mess with a construction going on.

It is interesting to hear the experience and journey from the other attendees as well. I actually feel lousy when I heard their stories. I am considered quite old as most of the rest are still 22-24 years old. I know I should not be comparing because I was only 1-3 year old as a Catholic when I was at that age. A few had more experience in discernment which means they had been taking actions to do something about me as compared to myself only thinking about this perhaps only in the latest 1 year. Ultimately there is nothing to compare because everyone's journey is different. One advantage of being 'old' is that it gives me more time of self exploration. Unlike many others, I am not too concerned about family or about going overseas since I am already without family and overseas more than half of my life. My stumbling block, on the other hand, is my pride and self-insufficiency. From my work and volunteering experience so far, I feel that despite doing good, many times I run out of steam just because one FON. Will I be repeating this same pattern with religious life? Seeing others, it is clear that I am just being anti social. There is another boy who seemingly very quiet and shy but yet he actually initiated more conversation than me. I was really lazy to initiate small talk and only responded when someone approached. I don't think this is a good quality for a religious life. Sigh.. I did not really even have a good conversation with my roommate sia.. Teribble me..

I cannot hear God's voice at all so I don't know if I have a calling or I am only hallucinating and exploring this only for my own glory. Sigh.. it is all in my mind. I can do nothing about it other than continue praying because what I really need is God's direction.

An embarrassing wtf moment was someone almost saw me naked in the bathroom!! Luckily I was just taking off my shirt and the whole shirt was still covering my body. The day before we promised not to lock the bathroom door but to just slide them close as a sign that it was in use. That was what I did this morning and the person from next door just slid open even though the light was on and obviously someone was inside -_-" Imagine if it happened when I was shitting or something sia.