Thursday, August 9, 2018

My quit journey

I keep quiet for 2 months (June-July) about my personal life with my posts mostly on my recent trip to Japan and movies. I am going to write everything that happened in the past 2 months.

Staff appraisal
Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. I could have started filling in staff's appraisal forms since March but I waited until the very last minute: few days or the night before my scheduled appraisal with them. Lol. I take appraisal seriously and I want to be careful with what I write since this is going to be official documents. I have to make sure that I am being objective and avoid personal sentiments while at the same time to prevent from being too vague that people will not take them seriously. Thus basically throughout June, my evenings and weekends were spent mostly on this.

The appraisal sessions with staff were an emotional affair. Their complaints and issues are so trivial, childish, and selfish. Even the more senior and mature staff have similar mindset. No wonder this place is burning down with all the crap attitude. Why do I say emotional? I hate to hide my feelings and I could not mention all the above. As a manager, I have to be more professional, provide listening ears, ya da ya da.. bull crap. Some even cried over these stupid things and their own idiocy and I was like telling myself to just hang on.

In the end I just repeated the same 3 points to everyone:
  • We are here to work. If you have anything that makes you unhappy and want to complain etc, ask yourself whether it is workplace issue or it is your issue. If you are complaining something that is the same at every workplace (e.g must be on time, must follow rules, must attend corporate events, cannot anyhow take leave), then you know it is your issue. If you are unhappy, feel free to quit and find a workplace that allows you to come late, suka-suka pon, or no need to follow the rules.
  • Before complaining about others, ask yourself if you are being subjective or objective. If you are being subjective, then you have to adjust your own expectations because you cannot expect everyone to behave in a way you like. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses that we cannot change overnight and we should expect the same from others. However, if things are objective (i.e an action that affects work), feel free to point it out.
  • Open communication. Don't complain about the gossiping etc when you yourselves do not want to tell the person directly if you have any issues but you tell others. You are part of the gossiping culture.
I finally managed to get HR's approval not to renew contracts for the 2 trouble makers that gossip and make the whole working environment unbearable. So less than 1 year and I already caused 4 victims to be unemployed. FML.

My own appraisal
I was looking forward to this because finally I could say what I wanted to say. I asked 2x if I could go back to normal senior pharmacist as I did not enjoy the manager role, it affected my personal life and health, and I had to sacrifice the things I like. As expected, bosses did not give a damn. When I knew my appraisal rating was even lower than last year, that was the final straw. This time I stated clearly that doing the manager role did not bring any benefit. My manager role is not a promotion so essentially I had been working harder for same pay, worse rating, and no promotion. Who wanted to take so much shit?

Basically that was the affirmation for me to start job hunting again. I was so angry that I almost decided to just quit 1 week later (and forgo my mid year bonuses) just to show how angry I was. I managed to convince myself not to be stupid but I made up my mind that no matter what, I would throw letter on 1 Aug regardless of whether I already get a job by then. Even if I could not get a job by then, at least after I quit, I will have more time to focus on the job search instead of staying at this shit place.

Job hunt
This is the first time I am seriously and desperately looking for a job. In late 2015-early 2016, I tried to find another job but things were still bearable by then and I was looking for another job to have a better pay. I was not desperate and only applied to those I think I got potential but I was not shortlisted. I only went for 1 interview and I did not get it because my requested pay was too high.

Honestly I am not desperate for job. I can afford few months of slacking. Haha.. the cause of my desperation is that my PR will expire in April next year so I have to get a job or I can say bye bye to my renewal. So this time, I tell myself I will lower my pay expectations and expect same pay but I still will only apply to those that I think I like or I have enough experience. So the second half of June was spent on searching for jobs, updating of CV and cover letters, and filling job applications.

Things did not go well with my parents as well as they were not supportive. I was so upset and angry. It is obvious that all they care about is only money etc. Anyway I was only telling them out of respect and I did not expect any support or help so it was fucking annoying to listen to their response. Well certain things I had to keep inside my heart.

The job search was not smooth. I was preparing for MOH Training post and when I was ready to submit the application, the job ad was ended prematurely. Sigh.. I then applied for MOH Audit, MOH Professional Training (which apparently is different from Training), and a lecturer post in a Polytechnic. In early July, the MOH Training post appeared again so I applied again. I even prepared a plan Z in case I end up really jobless, at least there is a new hospital who still has an opening and will be able to take me if I apply. That is plan Z in case I just need a job for survival as my intention has always been to try something different. Patient care settings are essentially similar everywhere so there is no point to jump from one place to another: same shit different flavour.

By mid-July, the only response was rejection from the Professional Traning (I supposed my CV did not meet the job requirement) and I only had interview from Audit which would be followed up with another interview and test if I was really shortlisted.

I have to be thankful to a friend who asked if I was interested in a Clinical Research Editor at the company he is currently seconded at. I had reservations as I could not meet their Mandarin and Malay languages criteria. I still sent my CV and I was glad that I was given the chance for an interview. There was a test and it was a tough 1.5 hour test on clinical knowledge, interpretation of clinical papers, and English (editing and proof reading). I was not too optimistic as the test made me realised how rusty my clinical knowledge was (especially for those I hardly used in daily work), how I never read clinical papers, and how reliant on google online dictionary I was. Despite these, I was offered of the job in the end. Wow!!

When the offer came, I had to make choice between accepting it or waiting for MOH. It was a dilemma because one offers the opportunity to experience corporate culture and business/profit-making directions while the other offers the opportunity of policy making. Private world is definitely cut-throat and I was only given 1 day to answer the offer lol. There was no need to do any medical check up and when I said that I had to find time to sign the offer, the HR offered to email the letter and for me to sign and email back. I decided to accept it.

The pay is lower but after I know that the total working hours is 40 per week (vs 42 per week now), the lower pay is reasonable so I was as good as not getting a cut. Again that is another miracle considering I did not really have the correct background. This is a 1-yr contract position and I will only be entitled to 13th month. Compared to my current package, I am forgoing 2-3 months pay. The amount seems a lot but I decide that money is not everything with all the unfairness and unhappiness I experience. I will just 'gamble' away this 2-3 months to get new experience and perspective. It will be even more wonderful if it is actually something I like. 

Coming out
Once I made up my mind, I gave the green light for my ex-manager to inform my boss about my intention. I actually wanted to just give a 1 month notice since that is what expected of me and I do not have the obligation to inform earlier anyways.

I was summoned by my boss and obviously she tried to persuade me. I do not want to burn bridges so I keep saying my reason of quitting is to try new things. There is no point saying what makes me unhappy here because even if concessions are made, I will not change my mind. I do not want to come across as "threatening" and then boss has to negotiate. I have done my best and with the appraisal I get, I know how much I am being valued. They can say whatever they want but I also have subordinates that I appraise so I know how the appraisal system works.

A few days later, I informed my alternate RO since most of the things that I need to handover will be under her purview. She was even tougher to negotiate with as she tried to offer things that I like.

Through these conversations, I have to say I am glad that I have been honest with my views all these while. That is the secret of not burning bridges. I have mentioned things that made me unhappy previously and there is nothing new now. They did not listen, I decided to quit, and it was too late to reverse. This gives no opportunity of them saying: why you never tell us that you are unhappy bla bla bla?

I also lose respect to both bosses. I said the same things during my appraisal and now and yet the responses were different. Clearly they only "valued" me now because I am quitting and my branch is in dire condition of manpower in September. They just wanted to hold me back until they could get a suitable replacement. So much for preaching to treat people as people when they treat people only as "pawns".

Aftermath
Now that everything is over, I can finally get to be myself again. There is no need to put up the fake positivity anymore. My colleagues actually do not believe that I am resigning for real this time as they think it is my same and old joke that I have been saying for years. After my boss summoned me, they know that this time is for real. It is too late to convince me to stay now or promise how I can be supported when in the past year you all have just been bo chup.

I had to decline the interview offers for MOH Training as well as lecturer at the polytechnic that I initially applied since I already accepted an offer. Training is something that I am passionate with and I am really tempted but I believe in karma. Haha.. Got people willing to give me chance already so I shall not betray them. Nonetheless, these interview offers boost up my confidence a little bit and makes me more hopeful to find another place where I can be valued more for my contribution or perhaps for who I am.

Reflections and Learning Points
The past 2 months have been tough but I am grateful for the experience and I hope I will come out as a better person.

As I was confused, my friend suggested me to do a career anchors test to know what I am really looking for and what makes me happy. My highest score is for Autonomy and Independence, followed by Lifestyle with just 1 point difference. I would say it is quite accurate as I find it suffocating having to act or behave in certain ways just because those are what the bosses like. Pui.. Call me stubborn but I am who I am and I want people to see me as who I am and my contributions. I do not want to engage in those political BS stuff. No wonder I have been not happy in this current job. Yet I managed to tahan so long because previously my lifestyle is not affected. Since I took over the manager role, my personal life is affected and that makes me even unhappier. Realising these made me more confident that it is better to leave regardless the cost now.

Honesty and integrity are my moral values and I am glad that I never compromise this. Despite the pressure to "keep my mouth shut", right to the end I remain honest and say what I want to say, what I need to say, and to represent the staff whom I need to represent. Yes some may call me stupid for putting my own career at stake but what's the point of winning the whole world but losing ownself? It makes exiting easier as I have not been hiding things and until the end, I remain who I am and standing for what I believe in.

I am grateful for friends and colleagues who helped me through this period. All of them challenged me to stay with 1001 reasons and excuses. When presented with that many counter-arguments and things which can change my mind but my decision remains firm, it reaffirms me that I have really thought through my decision and I am no longer doing it out of impulse. A few of them ended up helping me to find lobang also even though their initial aim was to change my mind. Haha..

There is a saying that "People leave managers, not companies". I consider myself quite mature in thinking and accept realities of working life: difficult people (whether colleagues, staff, bosses, customers), pressure of increasing workload, cost cutting measures, etc. They are not my reason of quitting. My reason of quitting is simply because of biased bosses who discount hardwork and contribution and look solely on whether they like people's atittude or not. I think even up to know they are still in delusion that I quit because I do not like the manager role. That's their problem Good luck to my colleagues that I am leaving behind :) I am glad that in the past year, I did not let any of my staff down and none of the resigned because of the working condition. Those who left were due to personal reasons to return to their home countries or to study further. None left to jump ship. Despite the shit condition that my place had been in for the past 1 year, I think of it as an achievement. Lol I am quite thick skinned hor :p

Lastly, I am back to church. Sigh.. I was so desperate in finding a job that I decided to go back to church since 3 weeks ago. Now that I have found a job, I will continue since God has heard my prayer. I know God does not work this way and this may just be a coincidence. I will still give thanks to Him because the past 2 months had been shit and now that I have seen light at the end of the tunnel and sunrays after the thunderstorm, I just have be thankful for the courage to leave my comfort zone and the opportunity to try something else.

Now that I am looking forward to a 5-day-week job, I am wondering how I should make use of my weekends as previously I always used my Saturday working schedule as an excuse that I cannot participate in any regular voluntary work.

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