Friday, May 4, 2018

Mid-career crisis

I reached my breaking point and finally snapped. I am so sick of wasting my time and energy at work everyday for meaningless things: things which do not provide personal satisfaction or pride, things which do not give personal growth, and things which eventually do not matter in the grand scale of things. It is so sickening to deal with staff issues and getting blamed for things which are not even within my control. And that is at the expense of the things that I like to do or I need to do for my own personal portfolio.

With all the negative energy for the past many days, I finally made up my mind to speak to my bosses that I give up and I do not want to revert back to be normal worker. I do not have the skills to deal with daily shit nor I have the patience and willingness to sacrifice my own personal health and well being for all these insignificant things. I am so tired of pretending to be someone which is not myself with all the needs to set a good example and role model crap. I planned everything nicely on my head to have this conversation this evening during pledge ceremony but everything just did not go according to my plan. What is the point of registering when in the end my name was not even in the list and there were no seats assigned. The auditorium was so warm and I know I should not complain so much because at least I still managed to get a seat. Some people had to stand or even sit at the walkways. I recalled things were much better during my time. Since basically it was a mess, I decided to not even bother looking for my boss. Looks like I have to tahan another month plus until appraisal time comes.

Honestly I also did not feel like wasting my time for this pledge ceremony. This is another example of me wasting my personal time for the sake of showing face. Although at the end I tried to make it a bit more palatable to myself by saying that I should support my pre-reg who had done well bla bla bla. Well at least he was appreciative that I came and asked me to take a photo together. Sadly I looked damn chui and shit reflective of the current shit mental state I am in.

Even this coming weekend must be sacrificed to write some nomination for a colleague. It is not that I do not want to write but I am pissed because I asked for this to be passed to me last week so that I could do it over the Labour Day and then at work before the deadline. Now the 'soft' deadline is over and I have no choice but to catch up on this. Seriously give me back my old life! I do not give a fucking shit about career future and career progression.

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