After 6 months away from Church, it is sort of expected that my faith is kinda dead. Add on the health problems and the surgery I recently had, it makes me feel that these are punishment from God for my insolence which obviously does no good to my dying faith. I have no Christmas spirit, I don't even wish people "Merry Christmas", I don't enjoy Christmas songs this time around, and I don't watch Christmas-themed films that I always watch annually to lift up my mood. I try to pick up my bedtime prayer and Rosary back but it is tough when I feel so distant -in fact I feel nothing- from Jesus. Pray for faith-that's all that I am asking for now.
Recently, my dreams often involve running. I am talking about physically running. I don't know if I actually want to run because after the surgery, I tell myself that it is unlikely that I dare to do any sort of vigorous physical activities because I worry that it will cause the mesh to come off. Life is ironic. When my body is still capable of running, I am so lazy to do that. Now that I think I won't be able to do that anymore, suddenly I wish to do that.
In addition to running, my dreams also come together with "superpower" to break things when I get angry and upset. I guess subconsciously, I have underlying angst/anger/frustration that I may not realise or I don't know how to channel and they appear only in dreams. Haiz... Yes I wish I have such power when I am angry in real life.
I guess I need help...
And nope, still no Merry Christmas from me this year.